Should we tell her personally or wait till second trimester and expect for ss to break the news?
We have decided to have another baby. We already have a 1 year old son together. With him we told "her" a few months into the pregnancy. She did everything possible to make our life hell during that time. She drug us through court and fought with us constantly about trivial things. I really think that it was jelousy. I just don't know what to do. I almost want to wait till like 6 or 7 months into the pregnancy to even tell my stepson. Because I know that he will tell her and I really don't need the stress at such a fragile state. I know that in a normal situation we should be able to tell her what is going on and us all prepare my ss for the changes happening in his life. But I know thats not going to happen. I really felt bitter for much of my first pregnancy because of all the crap she put us through. I want to be able to enjoy that precious time. WHat does everyone think? Any advice would be helpful.
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I think you should wait
I think you should wait until 4, 5 or 6 months + ...until you start to show, anyway. Who needs the extra crap she'll dish out! That will give you several extra months of peace and still leave time to prepare SS for the arrival of a new sibling. You can leave it up to him to tell her or do it yourself when the time comes.. I wouldnt want her to shoot the messenger as far as hearing it from ss goes. She might flip on him a little on hearing the news. SO on second thought...maybe you guys should tell her when your ready...and prepare SS for X's possible reaction...if that's possible. (Make sure she doesn't fill his head with nonsense about baby will replace you, and such and keep him feeling positive about it...so any negativity on her part doesn't take hold!)
Congratulations.....by the way!!!
Given the fact that she has
Given the fact that she has already set a “precedent” that she can’t deal…I say that it is probably best to wait it out… you and you husband do deserve to enjoy your pregnancy…being that stepson doesn’t understand “gestation” telling him at 6-7 months will not be any different then telling him at 2-3 months…now she will likely be PISSED that you didn’t tell her…but in all honesty, it’s none of her business except for the fact that she will need to support her son in whatever he is feeling about the issue and she will have to do that the same no matter when she/he finds out…I also think that you should tell your SS and then before sending him home from that visit…tell her what you shared with him…after all it is YOUR FAMILIES good news to share with him and you don’t want any “twist” put on it…
ake a GREAT Day!
Make it fun!
Find a way to get him just as excited as you all will be…maybe he can help pick out paint colors for the baby’s room, or bedding design, help paint, etc…if you get him excited about the fact that “HE” is going to be having a new baby, it will be more difficult for mom to poison him on the issue….
Make a GREAT Day!
Big brother class?
Maybe he can even take a Big brother class at a local hospital. They had them when my kids were small. They got a T-shirt and certificate and learned how to help with baby. That way he feels included regardless of the certain negativity from BM.
But I agree with everyone else -What could you POSSIBLY GAIN by letting her in on your joyous occasion a second sooner than you have to. You already know what will happen b/c you've been through it before. Build on the foundation of wisdom you already have and LEAVE HER OUT OF IT!
Thanks for the advice. I'm
Thanks for the advice. I'm thinking that waiting will make things easier this time around. I just really hate it sometimes that 'she' always has to be right in the middle of my life. I'm not even pregnant yet and I'm already feeling that I have to walk on eggshells in order to keep such a happy time from being sabatoged.
I would like to encourage you to do something different
you stated earlier that you have bitterness about her behavior during your 1st pregnancy, and you feel like you have to walk on eggshells...these are very powerful feelings of yours that you are giving the "x" control over...
You are empowering her to make YOU feel uncomfortable, and I hope I give you words of encouragement to take control of your feelings, and empower yourself to do the things in life you want to do guilt free.
Living life, and enjoying it with your husband is something you should be entitled to do, yet, b/c of an ex, you are forced to behave a certain way to not disturb her jealous feelings...I personally think she is the one that needs to "get over it"..and move on with her life. And you SHOULD be living your life as you want to guilt free, regardless of how your life makes her feel.
The big picture of your dh ex is that she hasn't moved on with her life, so if she makes you miserable then she "wins" at her game. That is why she does these things. Don't let her win by becoming bitter. What is the worst thing that is going to happen with her taking your dh to court? She wins? If she wins, will it ruin your life? The answer should be no. No matter what she wins in a court room, that should not ruin your marriage/life. Does it waste some time and money? Yes, but that itself should not be ruining your life. I know it isn't fair, and it brings up frustration, but find ways to let it go, so you can enjoy life.
My dh is really good at ignoring his ex..and for a long time I couldn't understand how/why he could ignore every move she made as if he could care less. One day, we were in counseling and I asked why he did that, and the therapist said "Candice..you can't reason with insanity..that is why dh ignores her.." And it is so true. That was such a profound and moving statement to me, that after I heard that I was able to release all my previous bitterness I held in close about the ex. I personally cannot allow an insane person rule my life.
I hope in your 2nd pg, you are able to enjoy every precious second of it, regardless of what insane activities your dh's ex throws at you guys...
RE:
I can't get over the feeling that not telling your SS or the EX about the pregnancy is just fundamentally wrong. By giving in to her bitterness you are proving that she has control over you. Being pregnant should be a fantastic and proud time of your life, not a time when you are sneaking around and hiding it. Don't sell yourself short by surrendering to her.
If I were in your position, biomom would be the first person I told (well besides my own family). Think about it. What's going to happen if she finds out any other way? The nasty behavior that you are trying to avoid would pale in comparison to the crap she would throw at you if she found out you were hiding it from her. And for goodness sake don't make SS do the dirty deed. It is definitely not his place, and that would send all the wrong signals to biomom.
The respectful and adult thing to do would be to tell her, and tell her soon. She may take it the wrong way and she may (try to) make your life hell, but that doesn't mean that you can't be the bigger person about it. I say tell her, and request that she not tell SS before you do in respect of your desire to tell him yourselves.
Not telling her may send her the signal that you feel guilty for having another child with her ex. There's no reason you should be sending her these signals. She needs to know that you are proud and comfortable with your role as stepmother, mother, and wife. Hold your head high and don't worry yourself with what she thinks. So what if she decides to make your life hell because of it? Take it with a smile and use it to show the world that you are the proud and progressive woman that your husband chose to live the rest of his life with, and this poor woman is so stuck in the past that she doesn't think either of you deserve the happiness that she thinks she should be living. She's the one that needs to get over herself and move on!
I realize that my opinion is probably not one that many people agree with on this topic, but this is how I see it.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I do respectuflly disagree....
Are you saying that she "owes" her to tell her early? Why do you think that the timing matters in regards to telling the biomom? Its not like she (the mom) has any prep work that she needs to do...buy anything, rearrange a schedule, etc...like I said the only thing that biomom needs to do is emotionally support the son and when she (biomom) finds out will not affect that...
Don't take it like i'm "attacking you"...I guess I take this one very personal b/c i see myself in that situation soon and i know for a FACT that i will be giving the news as late as possible!
Make a GREAT Day!
RE:
I don't see it as an attack, I love debate
No, she doesn't "owe" her to tell her early. I just think that pregnancy isn't something that you should feel guilty about or like you need to hide it. It's not timing that I think matters; I think it will be opening up the possibility for more problems if biomom finds out from another source. Telling her early is damage control. Not only that, but it is showing her that you are proud and that you don't care what she has to say or do about it. I feel like telling her late (or not at all) would be sending the signal that you feel guilty about it, which is not something you want her to believe. You don't have to hug and cry and have a life-altering conversation with the woman, just simply tell her "We're having another baby. I wanted you to find out through us rather than through the grapevine. We would appreciate it if you could keep this in confidence and let us tell SS for ourselves."
I put myself in the ex's shoes. What impression would I get if my ex husband and his new wife were having a baby and tried to hide it from me as long as they could? I'd feel like they were ashamed of themselves. I'd feel like they were tiptoeing around me because they're afraid of what I might have to say or what I might do if I found out. This is -exactly- how I would want them to feel if I were the jealous ex-wife! Not telling her only reinforces her behavior. Why would you want to send her the signal that all of her games have power over you?
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Nymh....
Great! I LOVE to debate as well...glad I've found a sparring partner that won't become offended…I NEVER mean any harm!
Make a GREAT Day!
The first time around "she"
The first time around "she" was one of the first people that we told and she went out of her way to make things difficult on us my entire pregnancy. I guess that I would just like some time to relax before the storm begins...again. The thing is that she was never really anything to my husband. My stepson is basically the result of a one night stand. She did however "want him to do the right thing and marry her," and I think that she was and is still VERY bitter that he wanted a relationship with their son but not with her. I in no way am feeling that I have to hide my pregnancy becasue I feel guilty as you stated. And I really don't want to make my stepson carry the burden either. I'm trying to find the middle ground. I fully plan on telling her myself at some point. Possibly at 5, 6 or 7 months. Depending on when I really start to show. We never see her so its not like I have to sneak around or hide. Her mother meets us at the exchange point and my stepson runs over and gets into our car unassisted.
Another thing that I just thought of was the fact that she doesn't inform us of big events happening in her life that will affect my stepson. She got married without telling us-we saw it in the paper (we didn't even know she was seeing anyone). Then a year later she got a divorce and didn't tell us. My stepson said the guy moved out and was never coming back. I know this has nothing to do with our situation but I just don't understand why telling her right away is such a big deal.
But thanks for you thoughts. I really do want a wide variety of opinions.
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no comment
Expecting baby...
To me, it's NONE of the EX's business to know you are having another child. She doesn't have to know! I would introduce baby when you are showing to SS. If SS tells his mother then so be it. No worry, no fuss. That is none of the bitches business what you do in your life w/your husband.
-happy mom
This was my original thought
This was my original thought but after reading a wide variety of posts I have no clue now.
I think that is wonderful..
Personally I have kinda been in your shoes. When I got pregnant with my daughter 10 years ago, my ex's first ex and mother of his son.
It is none of her business whether she thinks it is because she is the mom of his son whatever. There only concern they have as parents to him is his well being? If he is ok with you two having another baby then thats it. There should be no room for discussion with her on this subject. If she calls and starts in on this subject hang up the phone. It has nothing to do with her. They are no longer a couple and she needs to butt out. If she does not like the fact that he is having other children then I guess she should've made her marriage work.. Am I right? I say go for it.. There is nothing like a baby.. They are so precious.. Congrat's on the wonderful decision.. Are you pregnant now?