Nightmare Adult Stepson Living with Me
My husband moved his adult son in with us full-time. I was told he was going to be pursuing a career/job etc. and that we were just temporarily helping him out on his journey. Instead, his son has been an absolute nightmare, doing nothing I was told he would do. At my insistence, he finally got a part-time job. However, he only works 15-20hrs per week MAXIMUM. Some weeks, he doesn't get called in at all. He spends the rest of his time in our small apartment wearing his bathrobe, baking and cooking every day for hours in my kitchen, spending hours grooming himself in our ONLY bathroom, loading up his filthy clothes in our washer/dryer and leaving them there all day long, and playing videogames. As you can imagine, this has caused major problems in my marriage. My husband cannot make a stand and struggles to set boundaries, rules and guidelines with this adult manchild (daddy-guilt)...yet saves his temper for me when I push back or beg him to make changes or put an end to this nightmare. Any complaint, criticism or opinion I have on this matter is crucified and squashed by my husband. This is his third adult child in our lives, and they are all treated like royalty - and none of them do a thing to deserve it. It makes me want to vomit. I have endured 7 months of this hell (after already raising his skids for the past ten years of my life prior to their adulthood). I have cried more in the last 7 months than I have in my entire life. As I'm writing this message, my adult SS is in his bathrobe, baking bread in my kitchen and talking so loudly on his cellphone that the entire house can hear it. My husband deeply knows how much this negatively impacts my life, and yet does absolutely nothing about it but vilify me. We are in couple's therapy over this issue with a therapist who (although fantastic) has never been divorced let alone had step-skids. In our first session, she outright said that a father will put his kids first - and althought it is difficult for step-mothers to hear, that I need to accept it. Unreal.
I am losing my mind in this scenario. My husband finally agreed (after over half of year of my begging) that he would move his adult spawn out of our small apartment by July - who knows if he will actually follow through on it though. Either way, 6 more months of this hell is going to put me in a grave. My only option is divorce as my husband won't BUDGE. His adult son dominates our lives (our 15-year-old has to share his small room with this adult skid monster) and everyone has to sacrifice for this ungrateful, lazy, arrogant skid.
I hate it so much that I want out of my marriage. We just moved to a new city and I don't know anyone nor am I working yet. I don't have any family in my life. I'm trapped and living a nightmare. I wake up in misery and go to bed in misery. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I need help.
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The first thing you need to do is find a new therapist.
The first thing you need to do is find a new therapist. No, you do not need to accept the fact that a father will put his children first, because that is not true. In life, sometimes the marriage comes first and sometimes the kids come first, depending on what else is going on. In your case, the child is an adult and there is absolutely nothing else going on except he is lazy and your DH is choosing his kid over you.
The second thing you need to do is get a job. If things don't change, you may have to move out in order to save your sanity.
The third thing you need to do is make sure everyone in the household understands that you are the woman of the house and moving forward you will be respected as such. All men will need to be clothed when they are in public areas of the house. If anyone wants to talk on their phone, they will do it in a private area of the house. Next time SS wants to make a call, get out the vacum. If wet clothes are left in the washer, dump them on his bed. See where I am headed here? Make his life as miserable as you can, and maybe he will either straighten up or move out.
Thank you!
Yes! This is EXCELLENT advice and also made me smile. Thank you so much for taking the time to empathize with my situation and respond so thoughtfully and wisely. I am taking your feedback to heart.
Also
Turn off the WiFi during working hours and between 10 pm and 8 am. Ban all use of your kitchen by anyone other than yourself. Put a lock on the door if necessary. Take away all his little comforts one by one. Limit his laundry use to one half day per week. Hide all the charger cables.
I wish!
My husband works from home a lot so I can't turn off the WiFi or else I would! That is a brilliant idea.
I have tried to set boundaries around the kitchen but they are constantly broken. When we first moved in, my creepy SS would be in my kitchen until 2 or 3am, nightly! Yes, this is the TRUTH. No exaggerating. When I told this to my husband, he wouldn't BELIEVE me! This was hurtful in and of itself. Why would I make this up? Then, one night, after we were fighting so much about his gross skid, my DH slept out on the couch. Of course, he then finally realized his scum son was actually making full on meals in my kitchen until the wee hours of the morning. My DH finally told him to start making food earlier. So then the skid was so gracious and only went until...midnight. I couldn't take it anymore and told him his skid needed to be out of my kitchen by 9:30pm every night. I even told the skid directly, multiple times, that he needed to be finished making any of his meals by 9:30pm. Of course, this rarely happened if ever. And when I say something, DH rips me a new one.
The same with laundry. This is the first time in my life I have owned my own washer/dryer. It means so much to me. I have asked both my DH and his skid that the skid sets a laundry day. I have repeatedly set this standard. This never happens. And once again, if I complain, point it out or push back in any way, I am crucifide. It is an absolute nightmare. I am alone in this mess.
Unfortunately...
What you permit, you promote. With your DH never having your back, the outlook for this to change is not good.
It's a DH problem, not a SS problem, since your DH isn't man enough to actually parent or have any respect for his wife.
Exactly!
You said it best!
see if your provider has an
see if your provider has an all where you can manage access to wifi.. you may find you can cut just his devices off.
So take it out of daddy's hands.
Start calling in anonymous lease violations to the land lord about an adult living in the apartment who is not on the lease.
Fire your idiot therapist and find one with a brain who will focus on the marriage rather than daddy coddling his failed family toxic demon spawn who is an incubus on you and your marriage.
Tell daddy DH that if he will not resolve the issue of his parasitic crotch product that you will. His choice. If he does not, he is the one choosing to end the marriage, not you.
The spouses and their marriage are the unequivocal priority. Minor children are the top adult responsibility in the marriage regardless of who progenated those kids. Kidults are neither a responsibility nor a priority. They have no place in the marital home unless both spouses agree that they do. A veto cannot be overridden by the other spouse. So, play your unassailable veto.
Next time the spawn leaves for one of his rare shifts at work, have the locks re-keyed and give the land lord a copy of the key. Do not give the spawn a copy of the key and inform daddy that his kid is out during regular work hours whether he is actually at his job or not and cannot be in the apartment unless daddy is present. Daddy leaves, spawn leaves.
He is fully dressed anytime he leaves his room. He leaves his shit in the laundry, dump it down the garbage chute.
Accommodating your failed man, failed husband, and failed parent of a partner has to stop.
IMHO of course.
You owe yourself to live your best life. If that can happen with your DH and he is actually stepping up as your equity life partner, then great. If not, then get on with living your best life in spite of your husband. He mans up or you move on.
I do not comprehend a spouse ever moving a spawn into a marital home without prior discussion and consent by their mate. I would call the cops if I had an unwelcome adult in my home. Whether a mate invited them in or not.
Grrrrr!
I love you!!
Your advice wasn't only powerful but you had me laughing! Which is something I rarely do anymore. I loved every sentence you wrote! Especially the part about anonymous calls regarding lease violations. He actually IS violating the lease as we told the landlord it would only be temporary. And it is welllllll past "temporary".
This situation is any step-mom's worst nightmare. I forced his dad to charge him rent after the first month his lazy, unemployed, loser self sat around my small apartment all day doing absolutely nothing but be on screens. So at least I have that...for goodness sake! And his dad and I did agree he could live with us for a little while, but I was under an entirely different impression of what that would entail. Had I known it would be a living nightmare, I would have NEVER agreed. Once my husband saw the anguish it was causing me, though, he should have had my back. Nope! He defends his adult offspring to the death.
The most heartbreaking reality about this whole scenario is that I was a single mom living in poverty before I met my husband. I have lost all of my bio family to tragedy. I have only lived in substandard housing and apartments as an adult and continued to do so after getting married as my husband dug himself out of debt from his divorce. I took on all three of his spoiled kids (all who grew up with more money and stability than I've ever experienced) and helped my husband pay his ex-wife alimony and child support. I've never had my own space, and I have been working toward a new life for the past two decades. This gross adult spawn decided last minute to ride our coattails right as we were preparing to move and start our new adventure. His behavior and my husband's behavior was so overwhelming that I threw my back out. I was laid up for months just stuck in this prison with his disgusting adult skid.
I am mostly back on my feet now and agree 100% that getting a job is the answer. I can't bear being in my home with this monster. I don't care how much pain I'm in...I need a plan to make money so I can find some sort of way out of here and have a quality life.
My husband has profoundly disappointed me. I am heartbroken and distraught. I feel exceptionally disrespected, trapped and desperate to get out of this hell on earth. I've been through a lot in my life, and this is one of the worst things I have ever experienced.
Thank you SO much for your validation and passion around this situation. It is so wonderful to know I'm not alone and that there are others out there who can attest to how horrible and wrong this situation is for a step-parent.
Thank you, again. You're amazing! And SPOT on!
Agree with everyone
Your H is already married to his children not you. You rent so that is great once you get a job you can get an apartment of your own!
This brat is an adult so he should be on the lease I would definitely report him to the landlord anonymously as a guest that is holding over.
Of course you're current lease is probably joint and several, but that is so much easier than owning a house jointly to get out of.
Yup!
Thank you! Yes, I am definitely going to consider reporting him. My husband has no guts and he would rather I live in misery than make his adult skid even slightly uncomfortable. I cry daily...bawl. My husband allows this nightmare to go on... I need my own place.
I would be absolutely
I would be absolutely miserable living in a situation like you describe. Not even 2 bathrooms and there are 3 adults and a 15-year-old. I agree that you need a new job and a new therapist. That way, if your DH doesn't keep his promise to have SS out, you can find new living arrangements. "Putting his kids first" does not mean enabling them to loaf about as adults with no path toward self-sufficiency. This skid needs to be out of the house working or getting an education at least 40 hours per week. That could include class time, studying at the library, and part-time work. Having him constantly in your space at his big age is a no-go.
Thank you!
I have begged and begged my husband to at least have my SS doing SOMETHING full-time. If he refuses to go to school or work full-time, then go walk in the park 40 hours per week! Anything but lounge around my small apartment. But my husband lashes out at me and protects his precious adult son to the core. I am torn apart with any feedback or requests. My DH roars at me like a lion and will go to the ends of the earth to make sure his adult son is comfortable and cozy. I am absolutely miserable.
Yes, find a new therapist.
Yes, find a new therapist. And one ONLY for you as well as the couple's therapist.
Start looking for jobs.
Then tell your husband that you are moving out until July, when the Boy finally moves out.
Or move out and never come back.
Thank you!
I do have my own therapist who actually gives me the same advice as many of you: set boundaries, rules, and follow through. I told her what I'm writing here now - that my husband fights me every step of the way. No matter what standards I set forth, no matter what I say to both my DH and my SS, no matter how many family meetings I hold, no matter how much begging, crying, and pleading....my husband has the back of his adult son. Not me. I am heartbroken. You are so right, I just need to find a job and move out.
Unless DH starts to set up his DS to move.
First of all you need to figure out how much $ SS needs to make to pay rent, buy food and other things like transportation. He needs to first get a JOB that pays enough for him to move out. This should be done now. Then make him save. Charge him rent, save the money. 5 months from now you will have $5,000 save . Hopefully enough for security and first month rent.
'you have to get him a bed, dishes, and a bad of food as a going away present.
4Just doing nothing waiting for July is not going to work. It's will be just a new excuse. DH should have your back, unfb It will come at the expense and if his DS. But when DH married you thus must happen
Thank you!
I did get on my husband to make SS get a job, which he finally did, but he works minimally. He is only called in 1-3 days per week for about 4-5 hours (he hosts at a restaurant). I have told my husband he needs more hours and I get pushback. I have told my husband he needs a second job and I get pushback. I am vilified so much over this situation that I feel completely conquered.
I also told my husband we would be charging him rent, which he finally agreed to after the first month in... but reluctantly.
I have required us to sit down as a family and go over all the details of SS's budget so that he is prepared for the move (including everything you mentioned). Things are moving at a snail's pace. I have done everything in my power. Not only does my SS not care, but DH fights me every step of the way. His goal is to make sure his adult son "likes" him (although he would adamantly deny it) so how do you beat that? I have exhausted myself to the bone and on the verge of considering divorce.
Ask him why he doesn't love
Ask him why he doesn't love his son enough to want him to have a normal life. Why doesn't he care that his son has no ambition, no life, no independence, no plans for the future? How does he imagine his son's life in 5 years? Will he still be a pathetic loser with no friends? Again why doesn't he love his son enough to want him to get on in life?
Well Said!
I have asked my DH this question countless times...his answer is always the same: "If he lives with us, I can guide him in the right direction! I can lead by example!" Barf. We have been setting the example for a decade and his loser son has not followed in suit. DH claims that he wants to "show" this adult SS how to "Be A Man"...but the irony is that my DH is NOT being a man about his adult SS living here. DH doesn't set boundaries, enforce consequences, or light any fire under his lazy-worthless-entitled-good-for-nothing-adult-son's butt. He PRAISES him for working just a quarter-time job and rubs it in my face with how this is "progress". He rubs it in my face that SS makes his own meals and how this is "progress" but the reality is SS is using my kitchen and resources to do it. (Side note: Adult SS's bio mom would make all of his meals and literally bring them to his bedroom so SS didn't even have to get up from his computer/videogames. THAT is the entitled slob I'm dealing with...and DH is SO proud that his adult SS has learned to get off his butt and actually make his own food at nearly 20 years old - at my expense. WOW!!! Sooooo impressive.)
I keep telling DH that if SS had to live on his own, he wouldn't have the option of lounging around as he would HAVE to work full-time in order to support himself. My DH just argues with me about it to no avail saying "Well, then he'll just lounge after work and I don't want that either. So I need to show him that there's more to life before he moves out." Yet, the saga continues...I can't win. I am SO unhappy and so overwhelmed with what to do about it. The only choice is accept this insanity or get a divorce. My husband is just happy to have his skid around...period. He'd let him live here until he was 40 if I wasn't in the picture!
You poor thing!
You poor thing!
Hon, reading your post makes me feel ill. Previously, you described your husband as a 'good man' and believe me, he is anything BUT! In fact, he's a domineering, heartless bully! Unlike your cold hearted husband, my DH is devastated when I cry and would do anything to cheer me up.
You are correct in claiming that you live in hell; it sounds intolerable. One thing to keep in mind when you're making plans to leave your abusive husband is that he adopted your 15-year-old and will have to pay child support, as well as spousal maintenance when you finally pack your bags. Also, I LOVE Rags' idea of an anonymous call to the landlord. It's time that your SS's mother took a turn at housing her lazy son.
Im in Camp Throw-this-fish-back-y
Thats just icky how your SS is the miniwife to your DH. There is no room in this relationship for you except as wife-appliance 2.0.
Im so sorry you are going through this.
Thank you grannyd!
You have written some really sweet things in another blog of mine as well and I appreciate your tenderness and compassion around this difficult situation. Honestly, I'm sick to my stomach DAILY about this whole nightmare, as well. My husband is cold-hearted when it comes to my needs over his bio-kids. He has serious, deep-rooted guilt around his parenting with his previous alcoholic wife and their messy divorce. So he defends his offspring to the death. He has a lot of unresolved pain about what they went through and the pendulum has swung so far in the other direction that now his mission is to coddle and protect his adult skids above anyone or anything else...including his own wife. DH has even agreed to let me move out and find my own place to live over ever enforcing his adult son's independence. He says things to me like "Do what you need to do..." whenever I bring it up. He has let me sob for months on end, with an injured spine, alone in a new city with plenty of my own trauma (I have lost my entire bio family) while his adult slob lounges in his bathrobe playing videogames all day. It is so disgusting. And at this point, even if he were to kick his adult son out (which will NEVER happen), the damage has been done. I can't even be intimate with my DH anymore. I'm so repulsed my this man. And I am paralyzed with grief and what to do next...
Do you have any frienfs or
Do you have any frienfs or family who could help you, who could let you stay with them until you get back on your feet?
My husband has no guts and he
My husband has no guts and he would rather I live in misery than make his adult skid even slightly uncomfortable. I cry daily...bawl.
But my husband lashes out at me and protects his precious adult son to the core.
The question you should be asking yourself, is why is your husband okay with YOU being miserable? Why does he not care more about how his wife feels?
Why is he more concerned with protecting his adult son than his own wife? Than his marriage?
He is showing you where his priorities lie, and it's not with you.
I know that divorce is not always the answer, and it certainly isn't easy, but I don't think I would want to be with a man who had so little respect for me and cared so little about my well being. Even if he moves his son out by July, I'm not sure I could get past this.
And, what does that mean, exactly? Is he going to pay for a place for his son? Because if that's the case, he can pay for a place for YOU to move into, right now, and pay you child support.
You NAILED it on the head!
This is the constant narrative I repeat to myself, to him and to my therapist (who has never been divorced nor has any step kids). Neither of them see it this way! And it is SO obvious to me! And to ANY step parent! In fact, my DH feels empowered by our therapist as she says that we need to "adapt" to this new reality...so he constantly reminds me of that when I bring up my agony.
The damage is done. Like you said, even if he moves his son out, I don't think I can get past this reality. He has treated me this way with all three of his adult children, and it has nearly broken me. I'm scared and alone (I have no bio family in my life), and I have enough trauma from my own personal life that I can't handle anymore. I am so heartbroken my husband has done this to our marriage.
I would love to get a new therapist who truly understands the dysfunction of this dynamic. I will take any recommendations. I am scared. I don't have any money of my own. I live in a new city. I don't know anyone. And I left my former career to move here and don't have a job yet (still recovering from a spine injury). Our 15-year-old son sees our turmoil and begs us to stay together. I am paralyzed with grief and indecision. My husband has betrayed me so deeply...and I don't know what to do.
Make that anonymous call to
Make that anonymous call to your landlord NOW!