I'd like some of your thoughts on this idea.

Quick history - (I'm re-reading now and realize it's not quick, sorry)

DH has 3 kids ss22,ss25,and sd29.
He and BM divorced 12 years ago. Throughout their divorce, DH didn't do a good job of setting the record straight or defending himself against her lies. she'd lie to the kids about EVERYTHING - absolutely ridiculous things that simply never happened, he'd blow it off and not badmouth her or set it straight. things like SS 12 then, would tell us, hey when you saw mom at target last week and pushed your cart into hers and broke the eggs in her cart, she actually had to pay for those so you really should give her the money for those!

WE DONT and have NEVER gone to Target, it's 40 mins out of the way. HAVE NEVER seen BM grocery shopping anywhere, WOULD NEVER have interacted with her in anyway. THIS entire episode never happened!! This is the kind of insanity she'd come up with to tell the kids. EVERY.Week.

We've paid over $500k in alimony, cs, atty fees, buying out her debt following her bankruptcy and fraudulent activities (forged DH signature on huge loans, defaulted on skids tuition bills etc) We've picked up the pieces to save our credit and skids credit over the years. We paid for all three kids cars (x2) in hs, insurance, tuition, fees, room, board, cosmetic jaw surgery, each has moved across country and back at least once. We paid for trips home for holidays, sporting tickets, some pretty high profile events and gifts. We gave unconditional love, support, it was our house that got homework done, did crafts, built tree houses, snowmen and handprint crafts for grandparents. MY MOTHER sewed SD wedding dress, I hired the photog, cake, etc. I created all hs and college grad announcements etc etc etc... we've been the involved parents. The kids like us and hate mom, or the other way around over the years, but in 12 years there hasn't been ANY period of time the kids could handle just liking both parents at the same time. they are seriously messed up ADULTS.

BM is looneyfuckingtoons. and a victim. and a lieing cheating thief. She kicked all of the kids out of her house at one point or another over the years, they came to us. then she always ran back to the kids crying and begging for another chance. they gave her one. then another. she's mommy afterall. even on the best of days, I always knew they go back to hating us and loving her, and I used to say I was ok with that. but I'm not.

yss was always her baby. he never really liked dh more, just used him for $ and to fuck us over.
mss we thought, had a decent head on his shoulders and stayed fairly neutral, until some mystery event changed all that (below.)
SD29 and her husband lived with us for 8 months at age 26/7. they both had full time jobs, never helped a minute around the house or yard. ate our food, left messes on counters, shoes on carpet, dog puke they had to walk around to get to their bathroom... came and went as they pleased without a word to us. We eventually got so uncomfortable with them disrespecting us and our home and taking advantage of us, that they finally moved out and to bm couch for a month before they got their own place again.

I became the bad guy for that to happening because according to sd, DH chose AGAINST HIS DAUGHTER. Right, He chose our future together over his 27yo bitch kid and her asshole husband. We had both allowed all the skids to run us, I chased them for years. We made them 1st always, they 'won' every discussion and they were our priority. They became entitled, unappreciative, jerks. They NEVER showed a bit of gratitude or thanks.

At age 20, 23 and 27, we decided they. are. adults. they are not our first priority anymore. dh and I are each others first priority. and life became good. better than it'd been for years.

(almost there, sorry!)

So, FIL passed away after a short illness. we'd invited all kids to come spend a week with them a few weeks earlier, my kids came. they had an amazing relationship with fil and mil. they love them and it's reciprocated. when fil and mil came across country a few times a year, my kids took them to get pedis, fishing, to a movie, to lunch, invited them to their homes (my kids are 23, 25, 27 now) They treated them with respect and appreciation like their own grandparents. skids DID NOT ONE TIME take a day or a few hours off work or drive 20minutes to come see their grandparents when they visited 2 or 3 times a year only. asses.
So, FIL wrote his own obit. he listed his grandkids, included my kids with directions that we DO NOT CHANGE A THING, and specifically, do not EVER say STEP. He did NOT include asshole husband of sd - because he probably just forgot, or because he never liked him. ssil and sd broke up once around age 22 and the things sd told us about him really upset dh and fil. we got over it but I don't think fil ever did. The last conversation fil had with ssil was for the 26yo kid to get himself and his wife straightened out because family is family and the way they were acting was not the way he liked his family to be. Then his message to dh and I was ... they are their own family. if they choose to also be part of yours, fine. if not, let them go. wise man.

ANYWAY SD GOES APE SHIT over the obit listing 'my fam' and not her husband. she sent dh a nasty email about this, telling him what a failure he is, that he chose me over HIS OWN DAUGHTER (she's 28 remember) she bashes him for everything wrong in her life, EVER. DH sent a response saying, hey, let's work this out. we love you guys and want to be part of your lives and this is a stupid way to behave as a family, maybe I'm not a great dad, you're not a great kid either. She announces she's pregnant a few months later.... in a text. they don't talk again for a few months. he finally breaks down and goes over to her house, they sit and talk and all cry and agree to try. she has the baby a couple months later. we go to the hospital, we take photos, we love the baby. we have some Christmas gifts for the baby, they come to our house, we take them dinner a few times. all this in 5 weeks following birth. we think we're on our way back to happy family.

OUT OF THE BLUE SD goes apeshit again. we get this rant of 27 text messages about how WE DISOBEYED their RULES about visiting and sharing pics of the baby. We were completely blidsided. DH takes the high road and says sorry, didn't know what she's talking about. she forwards a text from BM with a pic of dh facebook posting a pic of him with baby... then they say I posted pics of the baby on my fb too (NEVER HAPPENED! we have three friends with babies born the same month, if they don't know the dif between a pic of our friends and their own child, that's not my fault!!) THEY say he knew the rules so he's OUT, DONE, NO MORE CHANCES, LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE, YOU'RE DEAD TO US...

And we've been dead to all of them since. Not a peep in a year. no fathers day, birthday, hey dad I'm moving texts... nothing. there's all the passive aggressive shit they post on fb and pinterest directed at us. I look every few months to see if there's anything important ... any kind of message I should 'get' nothing but the usual stupid stepmother ecards and digs about grandparents missing childhood events.

In addition to all the skid drama, bm decides to file a motion to take us to court for more alimony after the last payment was made and the judge signed the satisfaction. this is actually no big deal because she'll never get a penny and she's just wasting all the money she has on an atty. but she has given the skids some cockamamie story about this because even the boys are dead set against dh now. and there's absolutely nothing to this. she has no change in circumstance that warrents any kid of alimony reinstatement. it's completely fabricated. there was a hearing in novemeber and dh went to sign the motion, there sits bm and ALL the kids and SSIL and her friend and her sister!! for NOTHING. It was just a signature trade! She fed them some lines of crap to make them be there with her, 2 drove over 2 hours and 1 drove 6 hours, took off work, to sit next to their mother, when dh walked in to get the paper she had to sign. not a peep from any of them except some smart ass comments from ssil.

so, thank you for hanging with me. here's my question. first grandkid is now a year old. Every holiday, birthday, easter basket etc we've purchased a gift or a card, JUST IN CASE they come back. I know it's nuts, but I do it. DH says they are dead to me. they are not my family. I will probably never see gkid. get rid of all that stuff. I really want gkid to know someday that we weren't assholes. that we thought of gbaby and wanted a relationship. idk what I think I should do with all this stuff now...

ok... if you made it this far, thank you... let me have it!

wait, one quick thing. the reason this is such a big deal to me now is I'm sick. I have cancer. I'll be fine, I'm tough, i'm strong, etc. but I know I'm not immortal. and I know life can be short. so, my heart wants to set up a world where dh and gkid will have some relationship someday. would saving all this stuff, and continuing to collect it make any difference, I don't know.

is there any chance of any kind of relationship after all of the above went down?

ok now cut loose.