My anthem right now- Hallelujah
A few weeks ago, my BS who will be 16 in a few months auditioned for a special part of the high school choir that he was asked to audition for last year and was too "cool" to do. He missed the cut on the baseball team, and was pretty down (though I must say that 36 tried out for 17 spots so he shouldn't feel bad with those odds.) Anyway...
He decided to audition last minute for the select group for choir.
Being a theatre chick I'm thrilled. So he asks me to download Cash's Ring of Fire (not my favorite song right now as it was written by June Carter Cash when she and Johnny were in the midst of their affair.)
But I did it for him.
Then around the house all week he kept belting out Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen.
I have always loved that song, especially KD Lang's version-
http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/assetid=49bc5f18-a712-4f1c-b71d-73c8deb...
So BS keeps singing it and I finally tell him that he needs to sing THAT song for the audition. He's worried b/c he has a cold and thinks Ring of Fire is a safer bet. It would be a safer song, but as I reminded him on Idol, the kid who they've picked on the most got his only unanimous thumbs up when he sang Hallelujah. The song can sing itself, it's so well composed and the lyrics are written in a way that build up on their own as well.
Plus he could sing it a cappella, where as Ring of Fire would be with piano (not like he hears it in his head at all either) and that would likely throw him way off since he didn't get to practice it with an accompanist ahead of time.
He kept saying no to Hallelujah. So he gets dressed in a suit and happens to miss the bus that morning with all the extra fuss. I drive him to school and say, "BS...Please trust me on this audition. It's what I do. My specialty. You need to sing Hallelujah and think of what's going on with our family right now. Sing it for me. And besides...do you know what Ring of Fire is about?"
He didn't so I told him.
He still wasn't sure which song he was doing when he got of the car.
But...
when I picked him back up after his audition and asked what he sang?
Hallelujah.
They don't find out for another 3 weeks for sure. But when he went with his dad to pick BS 12 up from school a few days later, the middle school choir director said, "I'm not supposed to say this but- congratulations."
I sure hope she didn't misspeak.
Fingers crossed.
Here's the lyrics, including the verse that hits me hardest, which is not in the KD Lang version for some reason.
Hallelujah (lyrics)
I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, baby, I've been here before.
I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor.
I used to live alone before I knew you.
But I've seen your flag on the marble arch,
And love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, there was a time when you'd let me know
What's really going on below,
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you,
And the Holy Ghost was moving too,
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well, maybe there is a God above,
But all that I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
And it is not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
- Sita Tara's blog
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Comments
So many blessings coming
So many blessings coming your way!!
Sita, I am SO GLAD for you and your son!! I almost forgot you have a son that age, but WOW are YOU gonna be busy with him the next two years!! My daughter is a senior this year, and it's been crazy. Visiting colleges, athletics, proms/dances, you name it.
And, as so many have said on here, you have so much love around you. Your son, your bio D....focusing on THEM and all they have to offer this world will diminish your pain in time. You gave SO MUCH to others, only to be "thanked" in a disrespectful manner. Yet, you, choose to remain respectful.
The universe is a wonderful provider. Never to spite another, but to be kind to those who are kind. I can't wait to read your future blogs about all of the GOOD FORTUNE regarding your OWN kids and your OWN self that is just around the corner!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
'There was a time when you'd
'There was a time when you'd let me know what was really going on below but now u never show that to me, do u?'
How very true in your case...
I love leonard cohen. Famous blue raincoat is one of my favs, tho I prefer tori amos' version...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Listen to this one Sita. It
Listen to this one Sita. It always brings tears to my eyes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2SZ-nCBmsU
I can't....Ildivo was was of
I can't....Ildivo was was of the groups he'd pick a cd out for me. And when BD4 was a new born, I would have to play Ildivo at top volume in the middle of the night when she was screaming with colic and inconsolable. Too close to home for me right now. But thanks. I will listen to it later when I'm less easily triggered over small things.
I'm sorry Sita. I didn't
I'm sorry Sita. I didn't know.
It's ok. Thanks to my other
It's ok. Thanks to my other site for recovering from this I've learned many new terms relative to many different experiences. As a matter of fact I probably heard/read it many times in reference to BPD but it never affected me personally til now.
"Triggers."
Things that before I didn't know were attached to STBX or our lives together but were. Restaurants...living on this end of town for the first time...pulling into the neighborhood...certain recording artists....
It's everywhere. It's getting better overall, but it's everywhere.
Some of the triggers upset me a lot b/c they make me feel superficial. OW is a different race. When I went to a writer's group meeting my 5th anniversary weekend, the woman who runs it told a story about how she accidentally booked a bus trip with a women's group where she and her friend turned out to be the only white people there. She has told this story a million times and I love this story, b/c I would have had as much fun on that trip as she did.
But now? The longer she talked about how wonderful that bus full of women were, how gracious they were, how much fun they were, how beautiful they dressed....
I had to leave the room.
A friend who's of the same ethnicity helped me with this a bit. She told me if the situation was reversed (meaning I took a man of a different race away from his wife who was of the same race as him) that it would be a BIG deal to her too. Probably more so as it's a sensitive topic of that particular ethnicity.
But to me? I feel racist when it happens. I never gave cultural/ethnic/or race issues any thought for myself. But now I do and it just kills me to be affected that way. I feel superficial and shallow.
I've been changed in too many ways that are negative right now. I need to heal and let go of all that doesn't serve me.
Just want to add another
Just want to add another note, Sita...
When I first joined this site, I was a total basket case regarding my adult SDs..they were calling all the "shots", they had "daddy" jumping whenever they didn't "like" things in MY home, when they felt they needed "daddy" all to themselves and KK wasn't invited. It was sheer hell.
And, my two kids had to live with it, too. I had a minor breakdown over their actions twice this year. My H is spineless, and my respect for him lowers at each blog (tonight he's all Mr. Man because his team isn't in the NCAA final four...wooppee dingo!!)
Sita, this is MY DAUGHTER'S senior year. I want her to remember this year as her MOM was present at every event, her mom took her to visit colleges, her MOM was there every step of the way. I don't want my daughter to think if her mom as someone who was upset over some MAN! I realize your guy is the father of your youngest child, but you're the one doing all the work, not he....
Maybe it's thanks to all the support I received on this site, but I could care LESS anymore about how my H's DAUGHTERS perceive me. Two of them are in their early 30's and I would think would be planning their OWN lives rather than delving into mine.
Come September, when my daughter is off at college (my own son is 25...just got his first apartment; I'm proud and thrilled), it's just gonna be HIM and ME. I don't know that we are gonna make it. I don't CARE anymore if we do. I spent 7 years upset over other people's lifestyles that have nothing to do with ME. If his 30 year old daughter wants to get another DUI arrest (she's already racked up two......), that's his problem to solve. Not MY problem, surely not MY DAUGHTER'S.
I'll be at track events most of the months to come, so pardon me if I'm not here as much as I'd like to be. My daughter is one hell of an athlete...as was I....not a whiny piece of complaining crap as his daughters are.
Concentrate on your son!!! HIS high school years will only come around ONCE in a lifetime. He WANTS his MOM there. I promise you that.
You can only GIVE so much to someone who really doesn't want it. Then it's time to GIVE to others who really DESERVE it. No need for MALICE or bad intent. I have NO ill will toward my H or his daughters....
But, if it doesn't work out? Hey, I'm only 47!!! Maybe I WILL teach college for the rest of my life, go to college track meets and work with organizations that deal with stray pets!! I don't know. I just know I don't need the aggravation any more.
Nor do you. Peace, sister, I swear it will all work out!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
I may have gotten there. I
I may have gotten there. I think I was actually close.
til the cancer scare.
Then I became determined to devote my life to happiness with STBX regardless of SD's triangulation and dysfunction.
I posted some epiphanies on here that were highly cathartic and I was in a higher place of understanding how to move forward and embrace my life where I was planted.
Then the rug got pulled out- my roots were yanked and broken away.
It's going to leave a huge scar. I hope with time it will fade like the c-section ones did-a memory of sacrifice for growth and life's potential.
Oh I had such a different
Oh I had such a different trigger for that movie. As many on here know I have a history of being an OW. I was single at the time and he was convinced he was ending his marriage. In the end it became obvious that he would never walk away completely...
from either of us.
I walked away instead.
Into my life with STBX. Then I convinced myself it all made sense- that I went through the other relationship so I could weather all that this one brought and appreciate STBX in a way that I wouldn't have previously.
Now?
I think I walked away from my pain and dove into this toxic situation b/c I wasn't strong enough to resist it. STBX was very convincing and highly committed to us overcoming all our past history as well as all the differences in our lives until meeting.
But I also realize he wasn't solid then either. He was ending a 15 yr dysfunctional and triangulating family, he was also leaving a stint in the military that ran nearly as long, and entering into the regular work world.
He was in the process of redefining who he had been before.
I should have known. I did in some part of the back of my mind. But I really let him convince me. And once he did?
I was completely sold that this man would be who I would grow old with.
I am still struggling with that.
He just left, and because he is going to not see BD 4 til TH he wants to see her tomorrow too for a bit.
It's so hard the more we have to see each other right now. I need a break from this pain so much. Every time he's here it opens back up.
So I will only have Tue and Wed free from it this week. Then Fri, Sat, Sun for sure. Next weekend is going to be a much needed respite from my loss. All the kids for three days.
Looking forward to it.
That's a beautiful song,
That's a beautiful song, Sita. It's really nice that he sang it for you. Fingers crossed that he got in.