attachment issues and custody - WWYD?
I think it's time to talk to a lawyer - to discuss the current CO, problems with the SKids and BM behavior - and figure out our options. DH thinks the only option is going for full custody. He is worried that if we go for full custody we could loose joint custody and if we win SKids will come to hate him because they are both (overly) attached to BM.
I will try to keep this short.
The current CO: BM printed it off of the internet so it very basic. Our copy lacks the sections that pertain to holidays and all that but I found a draft in the filing cabinet that has that. But I am not sure it can be enforced if it's not with the 'official' copy. And BM has tried to enforce some things that aren't in there (that we could find).
Problems with sKids:
SS7 - has anxiety issues and is currently in therapy but BM never wants to take him or changes the appointments for stupid reasons. He also is having issues in school with his attention, but BM basically doesn't want to do anything about it. DH doesn't want to medicate him if they don't have to but has looked into changing his sleep and diet, but BM refuses to make any changes on her end.
SS5 - BM tells his doctors and teachers that he is worse than he really is. He has High-Functioning Autism and some eye problems. We are starting to wonder though if BM isn't sort of telling the truth, we noted at the school program that SS5 was fine until he saw BM, then he was just awful. His teacher even said that he did great during practice.
Attachment issues:
SS7 - He craves a woman's attention. Usually it's BM that he hangs on and begs for attention but when she is not around it can me any woman, at DH's house it's me. He follows me around and talks non-stop looking for praise. I don't ignore him by any means but I can coddle him every second of every day. If I leave DH says that he just gets depressed and really whiny, he is very concerned about when I will return. When BM comes around he changes as well, he will start crying about a paper cut me got 4 days ago and hovers around her though she rarely hugs him.
SS5 - BM still carries him. At school if BM drops him off he throws a fit and clings to her, but if I drop him off he is happy as can be and does everything the teachers ask him to do. If BM takes him shopping the throws a fit until he gets a toy but with me he helps me pick out food and do the self check out with out even asking for a toy. And like at school he can be perfectly fine but as soon as he seems BM he like completely changes.
BM's Behavior:
She lies a lot and we have e-mails and txt messages where she has lied to DH. We now double check everything she says, DH calls the school/teachers and Doctor a lot to see if they said what BM said they said. She says that she will set up appointment and school stuff but doesn't or doesn't tell DH when they are. She took us for $100 bucks last Christmas for a medical bill that was for HER, which me later go back.
She goes off a little less often now but it used to be every other month or so. She will accuse DH or me of something bad with no proof. Now we just call her out on it and she usually drops it. At times I think she may be bi-polar.
She leaves the kids with a sitter or her mother a lot so she can go out drinking. She isn't supposed to be drinking according to DH because she has a medical issue. And SS& is terrified at night some times because he is afraid we are going to leave him while he is sleeping.
Well that is the short version of course there is more to the stories but I will leave it at that.
So what do you guys think we should do?
Is there any harm in talking to a lawyer to see ALL of our options are?
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By all means, plese speak to
By all means, plese speak to an attorney. And document all communication with BM. Email is good because it leaves a paper trail for your attorney. Most attorneys will do a free consult and don't start charging until you file paperwork. But it's better to know where you stand then be perpetually at the mercy of a nutty BM. Best of luck.
I have all my e-mails from
I have all my e-mails from BM. DH hates txting but I tell him to let BM txt him and we saved all those txt messages as well, even the ones that were just weird/random.
We have one txt were BM admitted to giving SS7 Melatonin to help him sleep, but later told the doctor that she doesn't think that SS7 has a sleeping problem.
It sounds like BM is leaving
It sounds like BM is leaving these kids alone alot? The mis-behaving around her is due to how she handles it. They know they can get away with this, and they do. They are also seeking attention from her.
I would talk to your lawyer to see what your options are and how good of a case you would have for custody. You are going to needs a lot of really good evidence/ reasons for the judge to change the CO
I think she does but it's
I think she does but it's hard to tell how much she leaves them alone when taking the word of a 7 year old. When they are home I think BM more or less puts them in their room and leaves them in there.
BM doesn't believe in punishment of any kind and it shows. She has gone off on DH's for spanking the kids which is his right to discipline them and he doesn't do it often, like they have to be really bad. But we do time outs or loss of video games and those work well, we have suggested it to BM but she doesn't use it.
See that is what I want to know, do we have enough? At the very least I think we have enough to keep joint custody, I don't think BM could win a custody case against us with what we have. But I wonder if it's enough to change the CO in our favor.
I'm in California and have
I'm in California and have had some of your issues. My DH had to take BM to court about 20 times before he succeeded in getting custody of his children. His son is add and when I met his 10 year old son, he read at a 1st grade level. He got pushed through the system and BM didn't care enough to help her child. My DH was fighting an uphill battle by himself until he got an attorney. California lets both parents have custody and it is impossible to change custody unless a parent dies or goes to jail. In your personal world, your problems are big but in the courts they go by a generic rule that both parents are entitled to have their children. It's frustrating. When my DH got an attorney, he found the best and paid more but this guy fought and had his facts. You CAN fight if it is affecting your child at school and both parents aren't helping with school related things. It took many court dates and about a year and a half but my DH wanted 100% control of the kids education days and because that platform is for the children and he proved over and over how BM could not follow through, he was granted this. BM got 3 weekends a month.
I think it depends on your state but we learned that going to court to prove BM was not a great parent doesn't work. Going to court with a firm addenda (children's education) and proving it was best to have one parent be in control was best for the child.
My ss graduated high school with a B average and it was a 5 year battle to bring him up to grade level but it was worth it.
Good luck
Thanks that is my fear. I
Thanks that is my fear. I know the children need both parents but if one parent isn't - parenting - what do you do?
I often wonder if telling BM that we talked/will talk to a lawyer would be enough to scare her straight.
In the parent teacher meeting, where the teacher came right out and said SS7 doesn't do his work and doesn't pay attention, BM just starting crying. She left crying and didn't do anything to fix the situation, DH called the doctor and them went in and meet with the Teacher a 2nd time. And the teacher was the 2nd person to tell her that SS7 was immature for his age and behind socially. The first was his Therapist!
I have been going through the filing cabinet and I have a folder named - BM stuff. It where I keep all the stuff on BM.
I could see that with my
I could see that with my sKids. When SS5 was a baby he had issues and BM wouldn't let any one hold him but her and some times DH. SO I think now at 5 he just thinks that only BM can take care of him but he is getting better which seems to upset BM now. There was a time when she would drop him off with me and he would just scream, now there have been times where me barely noticed her leave.
I think that is a lot of SS7 night time issues. At BM's house he also likes to sleep with her and at our house his doesn't ask to (not that we would let him) but it's his way of making sure that she stays home. My guess is that at some point he has woke up to find her gone. I could see her doing that, when DH and her where in the process to splitting up as soon as DH would get home BM would be out the door and not return until longer after the kids were in bed. (that would have been when SS7 was 4)
Yeah I have heard that are well but it's hard to no bad mouth BM. The one thing we have going for us is I am a picture taker and I have tons of photos of us and the Boys out doing things that BM claims SS5 doesn't\can't do. And we have a few people what said they would testify that we do a lot with the kids.
Yup. And it is also true that
Yup. And it is also true that children who are somewhat securely attached can become upset with the parent for leaving but do not express that upset until that parent comes back. It's almost like you're being punished for going away.
this post makes me really,
this post makes me really, really sad. i really hope that those kids get their needs met
I couldn't agree more that BM
I couldn't agree more that BM isn't a bad person she just needs a parenting class of something but she has to want to change and it doesn't appear that she sees a problem.
BM sort of has a 2 parent household, she is re-married but it doesn't appear as though her husband wants the boys or does anything with them unless BM forces him to. Like next week SS7 said BM was going out of town for work and it's her week to have the boys so, SS7 said that they are going to Grandma's house, even though BM's husband will be around and COULD watch them the usually doesn't. Which I think it has a lot to do with the fact that BM doesn't let her husband discipline the boys so they have no respect for him and to listen to him. BM went off on DH once when I disciplined the boys (according to DH's rules) and he flat out tole her that those boy were not going to walk all over me.
I don't think they function well out of court. DH has said that talking to BM is like talking to a wall and he hates doing it. I think the Do-It-Your self CO was just because they didn't have the money for lawyers at the time and were agreeable then. Now that the boy are older and seem to have more problems they don't seem to agree on anything, or BM agrees then just doesn't follow through.