Getting closer and closer to calling it quits...
I've finally reached a point with SO where I don't see the point in trying anymore. I don't think he will truly ever get it and I don't think anything will ever change. I'm always made out to be the bad guy when I tell him how I really feel about things. I'm tired of that.
We haven't had an actual date night in forever. We finally paid off debt with our taxes and SO has been really pushing wanting to see Black Panther. I said, okay we can go this Friday, and he was all good with that, had me set up the sitter and everything. We have already been in a bad place lately anyways and I'm honestly not feeling like being in this relationship anyways and have told him that.
Anyways, I get home last night and he says, "are we for sure going on a date on Friday?!" - great, knew something was coming, this is supposed to be our SD free weekend. I said, "yes, sitter is set up, why?" SO - "well Fri is SD's last sock hop" (she is in the 5th grade and he has been to every one of these sock hops, it is a family event and BM always goes also). "I told BM that I might not be able to take SD because I didn't want you to think I was putting my daughter before you again". Nice, way to put this on me so now if he doesn't go it is b/c of evil step mom and him saying that really showed me that he doesn't want to put me first. I said, "well what do you want to do?" and received no answer at all. I guess he was busy looking up movie times (the sock hop is 6-8). He then tells me the only showing for the movie that we could make anyways is the 8:30 so "we" could go to the sock hop first and then the movie. I said, "we won't have time for dinner then" he replies "that doesn't matter". Mmmkay so date night now is going to a sock hop with SD and BM (both of whom stress me out) and then a movie where we sit silently and watch a movie...no dinner...I offered to change our date night to Saturday so we could still do movie and dinner and he said no that he wanted to go on Friday still. Grrrrr.....yes, I really feel like I was put first!
So today has been mostly arguing b/c I just can't sit back and not express my feelings. Now, date night was ruined by me apparently. He only told me about the sock hop so I would know that he was putting me first which he thought I would like. He doesn't even want to go...blah blah blah. Here we are still fighting over his daughter and the BS even on a weekend that we aren't even supposed to have her. I feel like I can't win. To me if he really wanted the date night he would have told BM that he couldn't make it b/c he already had plans and not told me jack squat about it. He claims he told me so I would know I was being put above his daughter (for once)...which IMO isn't what he did at all. Now he is somehow trying to turn this into me being difficult! I told him to eff off and enjoy his date night with his daughter and go to the movies with her or by himself b/c he obviously didn't care about the actual date with me. Am I wrong? Am I overreacting? I don't feel like I am but I'm open for opinions here, lol!
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God forbid he miss a sock
God forbid he miss a sock hop! What is it with parents today thinking they need to attend Every. Single. Event.? It just teaches the kids that the universe revolves around them.
Exactly, it isn't his weekend
Exactly, it isn't his weekend to have her anyways and BM always goes with her as well. She won't be missing the event. I've been several times and have no interest in going again. This is exactly why SD thinks she is so amazing and has so many annoying attention seeking behaviors!
You're not overreacting. He
You're not overreacting. He LITERALLY pushed all the blame on you for this. Made it seem like to them your date is "whatever." Which is completely BS. You should NEVER be the reason he gives to BM. I mean seriously, how about instead of putting the blame on you he just say "well I have plans Friday night so it can't happen."
Also a thought, if you want to go to dinner still, tell him that's nice and that you'll be going to dinner yourself then if he's not interested in going with you. Then skip the stupid sock-hop and treat yourself away from all that stress! YOU deserve that! Then take YOURSELF to the movie! If he doesn't want to participate in date night, then I guess he can miss out on all of it and go enjoy the people he seems to see as his priority. (FYI, you should ALWAYS be top PRIORITY. Responsibility is to his kids, but YOU are top priority.)
What he did is wrong. You go treat yourself.
PA, he told BM that "he might
PA, he told BM that "he might not be able to make it" and he didn't actually tell BM it was because we were going out. He didn't give her any reasoning which doesn't matter because even if he gave her a different reason I would still be to blame with BM's thought process. He blamed me for the reason he is now going to the sock hop because when he told me about it supposedly he was telling me that so I knew and he could get credit for putting me 1st....knowing that I would feel guilty/bad and tell him to go to it when he said it was "SD's last sock hop". It was total manipulation if you ask me and then when I called him out on it he is trying to turn it around. Told me that he wasn't planning on going to the sock hop and just told me so that I would know I was put first. Pisses me off so bad! To me if he really wanted to go on our date and not the sock hop he wouldn't have told me anything about any of that and just gone on the damn date and really told BM he couldn't....not he might not be able to!
I did tell him that since the date is not really a date anymore that I wouldn't be going to the sock hop and I would just take my son out to eat and meet him at the movie after. No way am I being pressured/manipulated into attending another BM/SD sucky bus event! I also told him maybe he should really be working on a way to get back with BM since he is always going to be team SD with her!
I love your FYI, you are absolutely correct and our whole problem is that I am never priority when it comes to SD and apparently when I'm supposedly priority I still come in last! LOL
Tell him his choices are his
Tell him his choices are his daughter's last sock hop, or his last chance at a date with you.
A date is not a half assed rushed thing done just to please someone. It's time, effort, and attention to the person.
That is why I offered the
That is why I offered the compromise of going out Saturday night so we could still have a night out and he could attend her "last sock hop at her school" - he's trying to twist it now that he told me not so that I would feel guilty and tell him to go but so that I knew he was making me a priority...um yeah if that was the case he would have still said, "thanks for telling me to go but I really want a date night with you" if that is truly how he felt.
The date night was something he had been pushing. I finally get a sitter and he throws in this bomb! I think it is beyond his last chance with me. I don't even want to give him that last chance because I feel like this was the last chance and he made it clear that I was second even while trying to prove otherwise!
Well I think you deserve
Well I think you deserve better and I'm mad for you. His kid would not suffer in any way if he didn't go, therefore there's no responsibility involved there. So you should get to be the priority!
Good for you for telling him that! Maybe it'll give him some sort of a wakeup call! Keep us posted and enjoy that dinner with your son!
Also he shouldn't have told you. Should have just told BM that it sucks to suck but he has plans. Then taken you out for a wonderful date night for just you two!
I've tried to give him
I've tried to give him multiple wake up calls at this point I am done with giving him chances/wake ups. They never equal anything but falling back into this type of crap!
Exactly, he shouldn't have told me anything at all about the stupid sock hop if he didn't want to go. He could have left it telling BM no. Not telling me anything about it (in an effort to show me how important I am - BS) and continued with our date!
DSO did this when skids were
DSO did this when skids were little.
If you don't behave, SM will kick me out or SM won't let you come visit. That led to BM telling YSS to cause as much trouble as possible so I WOULD kick DSO and skids out and DSO would run back to her. Skids both said this to me to piss me off.
I agree he didn't tell you
I agree he didn't tell you about the sock hop that was scheduled on your already planned date night. He did it in the hopes that you'd feel guilty or embarrassed in front of BM so you would say, "Oh, go ahead, I don't want you to miss your daughter's event".
It would have been a good compromise to go on Saturday so that you could enjoy both dinner and a movie and he could still go to this sock hop, and it seems weird that he refused that compromise you offered. I guess he just wants you to tag along to this sock hop with SD and BM :sick: , and then on to a movie he wanted to see, without doing the only thing that you wanted- to go out for dinner.
To me, he wanted to give you the impression that he was putting you first, but you were actually last again. I think he doesn't want to lose you, but also doesn't want to change anything for you to make you happier. Just wants you to stay and be miserable for his comfort/convenience, and whatever else he gets out of it. What you get out of it doesn't seem to matter much.
Witch.hazel...this is exactly
Witch.hazel...this is exactly how it felt to me as well. Plus it isn't even his weekend to have her!!!! Which is exactly what I did, told him to go ahead, because it was lose/lose for me at that point. He wanted to make me feel like he put me first and have it be on me to tell him to do what he wanted to do anyways. Plus now even if he actually cancels going to the sock hop it puts a damper on the "priority date" and mood. I don't even want to go out now.
I think it is weird that he refused to just change it to Sat as a compromise also. He claims it was because he wanted to show me that I was first still and our date mattered (even while putting me second through manipulation tactics).
I agree totally with your last paragraph and this is totally why he is losing me and hence the title of this blog! I'm done with the BS!
Have you told him that you
Have you told him that you are done with everything?
Yes, just a few moments ago
Yes, just a few moments ago actually. I told him I am tired of things being twisted around on me. I'm not happy and I'm never going to be priority so I wanted out of the relationship. Of course he is "trying" to still claim he put me first in this scenario and now he is being shit on for "trying to do the right thing"....whatever. I really just can't take it anymore!
What's his excuse for not
What's his excuse for not changing date night to Saturday? Then he could still do both.
He wants to keep it on Friday
He wants to keep it on Friday so he can show that it was important and he didn't cancel our date night....only wedged SD and BM time into it and skipped out on dinner....mmmmkay......
OMG....Why can't your DH just
OMG....Why can't your DH just say no. Your marriage should be just as important as some school event.
Supposedly he told her no. I
Supposedly he told her no. I guess "might not be able to go" is the same as no in his eyes and then telling me to about it to get credit for putting me first while the entire time trying to make me feel guilty I guess....doesn't feel like I was put first!
Ugh, what a manipulative
Ugh, what a manipulative @ss!
Is anyone else annoyed at this thing being called a sock hop? WTF? Are Potsy and Richie coming too?
"WTF? Are Potsy and Richie
"WTF? Are Potsy and Richie coming too?" OMG! I have a girl crush on you now, Just J. I spit water all over my keyboard when I read that.
Ha! Thank you Princessmofo! I
Ha! Thank you Princessmofo! I was starting to worry I was aging myself too much and no one else would get it!
LMAO, I'm sure annoyed by the
LMAO, I'm sure annoyed by the whole event, the name of it, the people involved in it, all of it! I would have loved not to hear about it or how it is her "last one at this school" :sick:
Dump him. Not all
Dump him. Not all relationships are meant to be forever. I had several 3-4 year relationships during my youth. I don’t regret any of them ending.
I've never regretting ending
I've never regretting ending any of my relationships either. That is why he is my SO and not my husband. We've been engaged for over a year but the more I think of marriage the less I want it...at least in this situation. I was trying to have a date night to see if it was worth saving as I was already at my breaking point and somehow he screws up date night!?! Dumping him is definitely something I've been contemplating for a while now
Ughhh, so frustrating! How
Ughhh, so frustrating! How dense can he be?? Don't get me started w/these damn events. They manipulated our entire lives w/the games....and practice...and even now at 17 w/a boyfriend she guilts dad for not attending her games LMAO.
At one point I used to go- then I had enough of her constant need to have an entire posse at every game/practice and always drama around it. If we missed one because we were out of town (my bday or his) all hell would reign down w/guilt.
Then came the day FIL died - and his phone (FIL and DH's) blowing up because how dare they no show to his game.
Then came the day I was miscarrying at home and DH felt so much guilt because it would be the 1st game since FIL died and he wasn't there for sd.
I pretty much told him if he DARED leave me for a game I was ending us then and there. I remember the rage I felt. I have not gone to another game nor even ask about them. I will not-on principle because she's a spoiled brat that had us and dh's family and bm's family tied to her games and 'look at me look at me look at me' for decades as hostages almost. EFF THAT.
Sadly, this is a disease some divorced parents suffer from, your dh being one of them also. Your kid together? No big deal- but SD will be the center of the universe....how many more years of this can you take? That's up to you of course. I hope you guys can work through things.
Bananaseedo, all of this that
Bananaseedo, all of this that you just stated is what I'm so exhausted over and tired of. No matter what, if he said no out the gate, or if he says no now I will be the bad guy and he will be told how awful he is to put his fiance first and how poor SD ALWAYS comes last in our family - all the biggest LOAD OF CRAP EVER!!!! Even though it isn't his weekend and it is just a stupid freaking dance and he has attended every other one but of course this is a special one b/c it is her LAST one at that school. It isn't like her senior year of HS. She is in freaking 5th grade. BM will find a way to make any and every event SPECIAL and to special to miss.
I also used to go to all of SD's activities and practices. I mean for crying out loud even practices can't be missed! I don't anymore. I can't stand BM or SD anymore. She also suffers from the look at me look at me look at me, I'm so special syndrome!
OMG, exactly, our kid together is no big deal if he/BM thinks SD is being slighted in any way.
It does make me feel great rage. We NEVER fight about anything except SD and BM. I've told him multiple times not to tell me what BM says anymore b/c it causes me so much anger but he told me this time to show I was being put first?! BS!!!!
I can't deal with this for 8 more years and from what I read here it won't be just until 18. It will be life long b/c nothing is going to change. He suffers from the guilty divorced dad syndrome for sure. It is sickening!
I totally get where you're
I totally get where you're coming from. YEP, every event will be 'special'. I will say this, once SD hit her nasty teen years and he saw how she treated him (walking atm) he started giving her the cold shoulder more and doesn't fall for the guilt as much. She made her bed she can lie in it.
Last year he didn't attend ONE game because he was making a statement to her about her treatment of him and us. This year he went to the first one because it was a convenient location and likely won't go again-or maybe the last one. He sees through it now. But it wasn't until she was 15-16....SO you may not have 8 years but still a long time.
OMG, I am so sick of
OMG, I am so sick of everything being "special" or "it is about SD and putting her first". BM told him once that SD needed an advocate in our home b/c he never looks out for her and always puts her last. This was after I got pissed that SD went into her school counselor and told the counselor that my son said he wanted to off her dad and kill himself. I was pissed b/c this was a form of retaliation on SD's part (IMO of course). We had just got on her for constantly tattling about EVERYTHING and told her if it was life/death to come to us and tell us (which this instance would have been) but instead she went home to mommy and pretended to be to scared to talk to us and mommy had to pry this information out of her. BM called SO and told him and of course he told me and I addressed this with my son because obviously it would be a concern. Well my son didn't get in trouble and she didn't see any results from that so when school started 3 months later she went in and told her counselor the same exact story so then I had to call her school counselor and explain that we already knew about the incident and were handling it. SO told BM it was ridiculous that SD is telling her school counselor this when it had already been handled and that is when we got the SD needs an advocate in our home and no one can put a time frame on how long something will bother her. I waited until the next time we had SD and flat out said told her, "I understand that you are upset about what my son said, and the reason that I am upset is that you went and told basically EVERYONE but me about your concern about MY son when I specifically told you that if there was a life/death/dangerous situation that concerns you that isn't tattling" Gah, sorry, just went off track there but all of it is so beyond ridiculous when it involves them!
I keep hoping that SO will see her manipulation tactics and stop being their doormat but I doubt it. He can't be SD's walking ATM b/c I make more money and took control of the finances (mainly b/c I got tired of him getting paid and it lasting 2 days and him making sure she had plenty of snacks/sodas but not making sure bills are paid).
If you didn't think of it,
If you didn't think of it, you need to tell him that 'No, he didn't put you first, he put and SD an equal playing field.'
What happens at these sock hops that he is so afraid of not being there, or is he just afraid of BM?
That might be the 1 thing I
That might be the 1 thing I didn't tell him. He definitely didn't put me first and he is now trying to back track and spin it like he did.
He told me he doesn't even want to go to the sock hop. There is nothing super important. Hula hoop contests and popcorn. I believe he is just afraid of BM. Usually the wrath of the BM is worse than the wrath of me I guess. BM made it a big deal saying it is the "Last sock hop at this school" big whoopy. She is in the 5th freaking grade. Not like she is missing senior prom. She isn't missing anything. BM will still be taking her b/c it is BM's weekend and even if it wasn't BM always goes!
So he didn't know about the
So he didn't know about the sock hop one or two days ago when you all made plans to go to movie??
...and his telling you that he was forgoing sock hop for you is just passive aggressive crap. He could have just told SD "Sorry, I'm not going to be able to make it this year, Simpleton and I already have plans. Wish I would have known about the sock hop sooner, but have fun and take lots of pics!" and then told you NONE of that. What was the point of telling you that he was not going, really other than to put guilt on you??
what the hell is a "sock hop" anyway? :?
Apparently BM told him
Apparently BM told him previously and he forgot and then she reminded him yesterday....conveniently after I made plans to go on the date night we so desperately needed b/c the kids always come first.
It was total manipulation on his part. He forgot about it. Then realized that he had me get a sitter for the same day. He made a point to tell me it was the last one at this school. He messed up and then tried to turn it around on me. Then tried to turn it into I only told you so you would know I was putting you first - again BS b/c he knew he would make me feel bad about her "last" dance and I would suck it up and tell him to just go....instead of trying to make it out like he was sacrificing her last dance for a date with me. I'm that important to him!
A sock hop is where they dress up in poodle skirts and 50s(I think) attire. It is a dance and then they also have hula hooping - SD's favorite part.
I am so p*ssed off about this
I am so p*ssed off about this for you. How dare your DH do this and then try to spin it around and make you the bad guy?
Let us know what happens.
We talked last night. He
We talked last night. He even offered up counseling himself because he wants to work on this. He apologized for how he communicated so poorly with me and said he never even wanted to go to the sock hop. He will not be going to the sock hop. We will be going out to a dinner and a movie. I'm contemplating the counseling that he volunteered to go to. At least he is trying. He is also VERY aware of the fact that I will kick him out if changes don't occur and stay in place.
I would've gone
I would've gone ballistic...
DH seriously, you are cancelling date night with me to spend with SD and BM... WTF dude, I think I'm going to see a lawyer cause clearly you would rather be with BM then with me, no eff off out of this house and go and sleep with your wife...
cause this is how it looks to me... he simply could've said to BM, sorry but SD's on your time this week-end I already have plans.
I pretty much did! He knows
I pretty much did! He knows that I don't even have to go see a lawyer. We are engaged not married. My dad owns the home we are renting. I can easily kick him out and be fine. I told him this situation and instances like this are why I have not and will not marry him any time soon. LOL, we must think a lot alike because I also told him he should probably work on getting back together with BM as well b/c obviously they have the same manipulation problems and thoughts about SD being the center of the universe. Or find another woman that is okay with SD being more important and that admires and worships SD b/c that is not me!
He knows now that he should have simply said that to BM and not mentioned any of it to me. He did seem genuinely sorry and understanding but I'm not continuing the broken record stuff. I told him actions mean a hell of a lot more than words. He won't be going to the sock hop. We will be going on our planned date.