Last year my youngest ss did not receive a b-day present for his mom, and not even a birthday cake. (We always celebrate a party here with the kids on the weekend closest to their b-day. They also get to choose what kind of cake they want..I decorate....and they get to choose what they want made for supper). She said she couldn't afford it, but keep in mind, she could afford to order out take out food 3-4 times a week for them all, go to the bar and play pool a couple times of week and joined a gym. I said to my ss, it only costs $1.99 for a cake mix, you should tell your mom that because maybe she doesn't realize it is so cheap to make one. Apparently she didn't like my "snide" comment or so I was told..personally I don't care. Your children come first.

This past weekend it was ss b-day again, a wkend we have him. His mom told him this time that they were celebrating his b-day at his aunt's supposely tonight. We will see what happens....I am not holding my breath.

I would suggest that you have your own little celebration at your house...that way skids can still feel excited because someone is making a big deal for them.

Corie

If you were going to plan a party anyway, go ahead and do so. If not, maybe take him out to a special dinner and make sure he gets a gift from YOUR family.

The reality is, his relationship with his mom is just that. HIS relationship with his mom. Don't try to take ownership of it. You can't protect him from that, and you shouldn't. He needs to sort out the boundaries and conditions of that relationship himself. All you can and SHOULD do is deal with his relationship with you, his dad and YOUR FAMILY. Make sure he understands that he's loved at your house. Make sure he feels safe and secure within YOUR family. And at the end of the day, you can comfort him when he's upset at his mom, but you shouldn't "make it up to him" when she screws up. That's HER place. She needs to step to the plate and fix what she's broken. Your bandaids only defer the inevitable which is him seeing her for what she is. Let him see it now.. let him understand it now, so they can work out how their relationship is going to go.

I know you feel bad for him. I know you want to smooth away all his hurts and let down feelings. But as long as he KNOWS he has somewhere to turn and people he can count on, love without strings, that's all you can do here.. and the very BEST you can do. I know it sucks.. but honestly.. let him deal with his mom, you can't protect him from her forever.

Stepup

Our bm is a habitual liar, even to her children, even on their bdays. It's so sad, I don't know how a person can look their kids in their eyes and tell them enormous promises and just not even try to follow through with them. Our bm is all about empty promises.

A few years ago, my dh called bm and asked "Can I bring decorations to ss's bday party?" bm said "No, I got that.." dh asked "Can I bring balloons?" bm said "Nope, I got that.." dh asked "Can I bring the cake?" bm said "Yes, you can bring the cake." Then ss told me personally "My mom is taking the day off of work, and all she is going to do that day is decorate our house for my bday party, and we sent out a lot of invitations..."

My ss was so pumped. We get over to her house for the bday party. 1 out of a ton of friends invited actually showed up, no decorations, no balloons, only the cake and presents we brought to her house. She didn't have any organization (duh...) to the party. No bday song to indicate it was cake time. We sat around as if we were just there to watch tv, then ss asked..."Mom can I cut myself some cake?" Of course she let him, and he only cuts himself a piece big enough for 2 adults! I can tell ss was really disappointed.

It's really sad, I couldn't ever intentionally disappoint my son like that. I'm not one to think that all bday parties have to be totally elaborate, but follow through with promises you make!

Our bm is so good at disappointing her children, that my ss doesn't trust anyone. If you tell him something, he automatically thinks you are full of shit. It's sad.

Just keep being there for your ss, keep your promises, keep working on following through with everything you tell him. You make not feel like you make head way with your ss, but he will know there is at least one person that keeps their promises, and that is you!

Good luck,
Candice

Just to tip the iceberg----- Just 2 weeks after having our son we had a 24 hour notice that our house was hosting SDs fifth bday party because BB promised it and couldn't do it(yeah I think being penniless with a newborn beat her excuse buttt), then there was the 3 years running of cheer camp that SD never got to go to- even though we couldn't afford it we did it the fourth year before BB could even make another excuse, and thats skipping the trip to see the mouse that SD never saw and was crushed by and so much more and after many times of trying to cover it to make SD happy.
I had to realize we couldn't keep doing it, SD understood that when we didn't make the promise we could not keep it for others and sadly just started the attitude of not hold my breathe and would tell us what was said but never counted on it after the first few times of us not covering for it.
SD does fully trust us and understands as we have taught her to not judge others for one persons actions,and have always busted toosh to keep our word as she does for us.
Be there with your good word and try to remind him that some people just do not keep promises but you and dh think of it as important and he should too.

All SS gets for Bdays and Xmas is a video game and a hat from her, oh but this year because he spent his first Xmas ever with his dad, she promises him a new bike in a few months. Well of course the bike never came but Ss has an array of excuses his mum gave him. I feel sorry for him sometimes too.

But you can't spoil the kid or it will just be more confusing for him and it would be just like him going to a 'disneys dads' all the time. Spoil him with love and praise for all the wonderful things he does and throw him your own party on his special day. Reward him for respect and achievements and you be the one that follows through on the things YOU say your going to do, that is the best thing you can do for him to make him have a better life, not just for his birthday, but for the rest of his life.
He will soon see who he can trust and depend upon.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*