How do I deal with a ss who has no enthusiasm?
I feel really bad that I don’t seem to get along with my ss. We don't hate each other but have not warmed to each other since I met my partner 2 years ago. I think the main problem is how his bm is bringing him up. Although he is tall for his age (11) he is also about 2 stone overweight - his bm doesn’t encourage him to eat healthily or exercise (she and her partner are overweight too) and my partner struggles to undo all her bad work with only one day a week. He is a very quiet child and I am lucky he is not rude or obnoxious. However his social and streetwise skills are not very good – he can’t even cross the road - which I find very frustrating. I’m also finding that some of his habits (or lack of) are annoying me. The way he is in his own little world, the way he always seems to be covering his mouth & nose with his hand, the way he always says ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I can’t remember’ to every question you ask. It probably doesn’t help that his bm lets him play computer games all day long - I'm sure that contributes to him being 'brain-dead'. During the summer holidays I don't think he has been outside to play once!
We recently went on holiday (me, ss & bf) and it was a very emotionally draining trip for me. Things I have not come across at home really bugged me. Such as the ss using my towel before I went in the shower – so it was completely wet. But I don’t know how to bring it up without the ss resenting me for being slightly OCD! I was also not able to talk to my partner about it without him thinking I was slagging of his son. I’m now starting to worry that if I have children with my partner, that they will be like my ss – lacklustre and no interest in anything. Although I keep trying to tell myself that it’s the bm’s influence that makes him like he is.
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Hiya shoe...
This may sound old fashioned and sexist, but IMO, it is the boy's father that makes him into a man...my SS, now 16, was similar to yur ss when he was living with BM...He was a mama's boy and was so unenthusiastic about most things, except video games. The PAS was so bad while the skids were living with BM, it wasn't until my DH got FC of his kids that he has been able to bond with SS and SS has become a young man that I am very proud of. If yur ss is with yur BF on a limited basis, it is going to be very difficult for him to have a "manly" influence on him that will remain consistent when he returns home to BM. If you are able to talk to BF in an open manner, I would definately tell him of your "observations" regarding his son. Sometimes when an outside party(you) can find a way to nicely point things out, a man(yur BF) may listen and take what u say to heart. Maybe, if u and BF are agreeable, he may spend some of his parenting time doing "guy" stuff, just the two of them, and hook up with u later. My ss and dh were not close until he came to live with us. Now they are inseperable and my heart melts a little every time I see them bonding. It will take lots of work on yur bf's part and a lot of patience on yours.
Of course, the bad part is, Bm can undo all yur hard work when he returns home...but keep trying!!!!...I have found that in the long run, it pays off....even if its only a little 
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
Hi there...
My ss8 is very unenthusiastic as well... I blame his parents of course. He eats as a comfort, and is just slightly overweight...but you can see it will catch up to him... especially with his lifestyle.
His parents let him quit every extracaricular activity he's ever been in. In the past year alone he has quit skiing, swimming, karate, soccer,.. all things that I wanted him to try... and he committed to, but his parents pulled him out because he thought it was too hard. Soccer was almost ok, because he enjoyed snack time, but because he couldn't be the goalie everytime (He didn't want to run), he got upset and quit. So...I have this 8 yr old ss who likes to watch tv, and movies, and likes to eat. He can't do anything, not even ride a bike.... he can barely ride a scooter.
I have a daughter with DH and she is anything but lazy... in fact she never quits moving! If you decide to have a child with you DH don't for a second think it will be the same, afterall your child will have your influence over him/her.
I disagree Lotus.....
Turning a boy into a man has nothing to do with a man being in his life. I raised 3 boys on my own. No dad in sight. And they are quite the young men. Do they do things that make me absolutely crazy? YES. Kids are put on this earth to test our strength and it is up to us to teach them what is and what is not acceptable.
Kids and video games is a tough one to crack. I am at work and after school before they grab a snack or touch their HW the video games are on. But as soon as I walk in that door the games are off. I don't care how many levels closer they are to beating the game. If I say its off it's off. I throw a ball at them and tell them GET OUTSIDE NOW! Sometimes they'll say "I don't want to go outside" and then I'll say ok so come and vacuum. Guess what...They RUN to the nearest exit! I also have put the boys in sports. It's a hell of a sacrifice. VERY time consuming for me and my DH as well, but even when they are beat up, bruised, and in pain, I will not let them quit.
Boys are almost always lazy, it's up to the parents to motivate them. Don't give up...
Notso I am so glad you said
Notso I am so glad you said that about men not being in your boys life. I raised my bs alone for a while my now dh works constantly, his biodad spends one day a month with him if that and I think he is a pretty great kid.
I agree the parents are the ones who need to motivate. I like you am constantly telling my son to go outside and like you if not he can take the time inside to clean his room.
I have to kick him off the computer all the time, make him ride his bike and he does play a sport. my ss on the other hand is not and never was told to get off the computer and go outside which would drive me nuts. Kids will do what we let them get away with.