O/T sister's eyes are opened to why mom and I are estranged
This is a bit off topic, but something I find interesting. Family dynamics have often fascinated me, because my family had such an odd dynamic when I was growing up. It took years of therapy for me to figure out that I was not the crazy one. LOL.
My younger sister is married with 2 young daughters and living in a different state than me. My mom, who I refused to speak to since I was about 38, lives in a neighboring state to my sister, in a big house by herself. My mothers family won't speak to her because of the way she treats them. My mothers ex husbands won't speak to her, and she has no friends. Even her book club has decided she is wackadoodle. She won't see her doctor because he "offended her."
My sister is trying to get her to move much closer to her, so she can take care of my mom if mom should fall down or get dementia. We already think she has dementia because she is having trouble remembering things and can't get her taxes done on time, which had never been an issue for her before. My mom has a bad habit of talking smack about people in a very loud voice, because she doesn't wear her hearing aids. My sister, who self proclaims that she is non-confrontational (not like me, who is according to her, overly direct).is finally getting to see the real mom. My mom always handled her with kid gloves because she knew my sister was likely the one to pick out her retirement home and pay for it. Now, my mom has dementia, and recenlty broke a couple of ribs in a fall, and her bad behavior is magnified. My sister is feeling it full-force - as the insults come directly at her - even when she is trying to help.
My sister reached out to me for advice. I told her she should only do what she needs to do for my mom in order to look at herself in the mirror without feeling bad. My mom really doesn't deserve anything from her at this point. My sister admitted she doesn't want mom around her kids, because she is mean and sets a bad example of how to treat people. I told her I understand, and not to let my mom "bait" her with veiled insults and threats, because that is what my mom does, and she gets off on the pain she causes. I just find it interesting that my sister is only now understanding what I went through for so many years, at the hands of my mom. I had tried to explain it to her many times, but she never understood and blamed everything on me being "confrontational." I told her its not being confrontational to call someone out on their abusive behavior towards you. You have every right to do that, and then walk away.
I am 48, and my sister finally understands why I don't speak to our mother. Its amazing to me that someone can have such a different experience, while living under the same roof. I understand that now, and I have forgiven her somewhat for not being supportive of me when we were younger. I remember finding her when she was 12, hiding in the coat closet because my mom was always in such a foul, critical mood when she came home from work. I asked her why she was hiding behind the coats, and she said she didnt' know. I still feel empathy for that 12 year old kid, because I, too, took to hiding from my mom when she was in one of her moods. I used to climb a Maple tree in our back yard, and sway on a branch high in the leaves, watching my mom race around the yard yelling my name angrily. I was waiting for her to calm down so I wouldn't have to hear her hurtful words. My mom didnt' believe in physically punishment, since she had been beaten as a child, but her words were equally cruel. I am just glad that my sister is healing, and that she still asks me for advice - and I can help her through this. My sister is a wonderful mother, and I will always do what I can to help her. Its just strange how we can tell ourselves lies to avoid a sad truth that we dont' want to face.
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My sister was the golden
My sister was the golden child and I was the black sheep. Typical set up of a narc parent. My dad's her enabler. I think I ended up with very strong boundaries understood and have been able to deal with difficult people from a fairly young age because I had to deal with her and the family situation.
By the time I was in my mid-20s I disengaged from my parents, especially my mother. My sister didn't get it at all. Because I was the bad one. It took her another 15 years, until she was in her early 40s, to finally, finally see our mother. I knew it the day she called me and started by saying, "Your mother is crazy ..."
We have a great relationship now, but haven't always. She asks for advice and stands up to our mother very well now. Early on I was a support for her. Keep on supporting your sister! She'll realize on her own and she'll need you.
I myself am having a huge mother problem
My mom is an animal hoarder. She has 20 dogs and 10 parrots. She can't go anywhere because of her animals and no one can come over sue to being bitten and the smell and the noise. She only has 50,000 left in her 401k. She keeps going on Facebook and posts "I really shouldn't be left alone right now. I am not ok." And then doesn't answer the phone or door or respond to texts or messages. And then I get harassed by her fb friends.
Can you call in for animal
Can you call in for animal abuse and have the city take care of it, or have them step in?
I have to admit the FB posts
I have to admit the FB posts followed by not answering the phone made me laugh out loud because that's such a classic attention-seeking tactic. I know I wouldn't be laughing if it were my mother, it's just so laughable to me that so many people use the same playbook.
My MIL is not as malignant as
My MIL is not as malignant as your mother, but she is always dismissive and mean to DH, while treating his brother as the golden child, and his sister as the princess. She is also extremely emotionally needy and immature. Complaining about things being "unfair" regularly and chasing after approval from princess sister. She's also started to be sort of mean and dismissive to DD, so I don't like her being around DD. Not surprisingly, the golden child and the princess crow on about what a "loving" and "supportive" MIL is and give DH crap about why he doesn't do more for her. They have both moved away and we live closest...since DH's response for many years to MIL was to try to please her, but since I'm not part of their messed up family system, I have refused to participate and also pushed back on MIL's attempts to get DH to do things for her, which always feel like a power play to see if she can get him to put her first ahead of me and now our child. This of course, only further allows MIL to paint DH as the one "letting her down", while the others go on to feed her ego by being "successful" in her view. DH has a blue collar job and is also divorced, which totally undermines MIL's idea that she is better than others. My family has its own dynamics, but I find DH's so hard to deal with...especially the cognitive dissonance between the image people have of MIL and what I see her to be in reality.
I am so sorry for all who have to deal with parental
toxicity.
I won the parent lottery. I truly did. My mom is a white haired little halo'd Grandma. She has always been and still is an amazing mom to me (58) and my baby brother (52), and her youngest who would have been 50 just this past week (he died of spinal meningitis at 10mos old) and is an amazing grandmother to my son (SS-30) and my niece (28) and nephews (25 and 21). My 21yo nephew was born on my youngest brother's B-day. Mom and my DW are basically BFFs.
Mom is an amazing woman, wife, mom, MIL and grand mother.
Dad is just as amazing as a man, dad, FIL and grand father.
Their GKs would walk through fire for them. So would their sons and their DILs. But they would be putting out the flames in front of all of us.
We just celebrated their 60th anniversary last weekend. Though nearly 5mos late. We had a big celebration planned with about 30 people flying in for their anniversary this past June . Mom got sick and went to the ER so we had to cancel it at the last minute. It turned out to be a virus and no big deal but at neary 78 none of us wanted to take any chances with mom's health. Particularly dad. It took mom about 10 days to get over the virus and it was a battle to get her to rest. That is why we cancled the big get together. She would have prepared gifts for everyone coming, baked countless dozens of amazing pastries/cookies, and made it about everyone else rather than it being about mom and dad and 60 years of marriage.
So what did mom do when she had recoverone might ask? As soon as she was back up and at it she made 11 Halloween quilts. One for each of her sons, SILs, and GKs plus an extra. Mom cannot not do amazing things for her flock, make that herd. We had the quilt number draw in their hotel suite when we were all together for the anniversary. And... she baked countless dozens of cookies that all of her GKs scarfed then divided what was left up and took home with them.There were only 8 of us and she still worked her magic and about exhausted herself spoiling everyone.
The only drama last weekend was mom lost one of her diamond studs. We all tore their suite apart looking for it. Nope, not there. The guard for that ear stud was in her scarf. We thought ithe stud was long gone after hiking around the River Walk for hours. When they got home after the weekend dad tore apart their SUV and found it out of sight between the console and the seat just peaking out of the carpet seam. He would do just about anything for his bride.
Yep, I truly won the parent lottery.
Hugs everyone.
Take care of yourselves.