Welcome to the site!

My first bit of advice would be to mention that this is an anonymous site, for the protection of YOUR privacy. Sometimes the BM's will troll the site and find your information, so we find a fun name and avatar and vent safely.

Secondly, I would read posts on this site. Your story is not uncommon. Stepper falls in love, moves in together out of financial needs and step parent ends up doing ALL the child care while bio parents are working. The step parent is not respected because of either alienations tactics from bio parents or because the kid has been raised to be an entitled jerk that has everyone bowing down to them, everything done for them and they are ALLOWED to be disrespectfull to the stepper.

It all comes down to parenting. Do not marry this dude, until you have some things worked out. Does he have your back when the SS is disrespecting you? Or does he think "you are just picking on my kid!" You mentioned he is parenting out of guilt. This is not sustainable and the child will not develop properly and become independent with guilty parenting.

If your SO will not parent or is parenting out of guilt, you MUST disengage. Get out there and get a job. Its his bio parents responsibility to take care of him, and arrange for care. Perhaps the grands can help.

You being southern should not impact anyones treatment of you. That your SO is allowing this, thats on HIM, and you need to really talk to him about how you are being treated. But, GET THAT JOB. Disengage from this spoiled brat. Do not do ANYTHING for him. He needs to learn you mean business. If you cannot disengage fully, disengage partially. But get that job. Is your SO someone you want kids with? He doesnt sound like he is parenting...and if your SS is bad now, he will get worse.

I hope I dont sound too negative. Just know that you arent alone and when you read more here you will see that this isnt something that you need to just "suck it up powder puff"...

Im wondering how good a dad is your BF? I am hearing that you've both been very giving but does your boyfriend enforce limits, like making sure his son acts respectfully to you?  The boy is 12 now, old enough to start acting more mature, not only for the sake of your sanity, but so that others in authority (teachers, bosses) arent turned off. I'd have the first of several conversations with bf about the boy's behavior.  If you two can agree on things and more importantly, if he acts on the changes you agree on, then see how it goes.  If nothing changes, then I woulld disengage and quit doing anything for the boy.  Read around on this site about Disengagement.  Good luck.

You are young, and this doesn't sound like the right relationship for you.  I know that is hard to hear because you love your BF, but he doesn't seem to support you.  If he did, his son would not be making fun of you and your BF would not be telling you that you are making this about you.  That is a big red flag - major red flag. You are the same age as my son, and I can tell you that I would advise him to move on if this were happening to him.  

Additionally, if the father is not actively engaging and working with his kid on these things, nothing will get better.  Believe me, they are not more mature at age 15 or 16 - it gets worse.  You will be in for years of stress and drama.  The moment that you do get engaged, it will ramp up.  The BM will also work it from that end also.  It is like they have a playbook that they use in these situations.

You are a young woman- find a life that is not this stressful.

I agree with SteppedOut.  The first step is to get a job.  You need to be financially independent.  You are dependent on your BF.  I'm sure he loves you very much, but you not working is NOT a good thing for you.  It's a good thing for him - he gets free child care whenever he needs it.  

And if he doesn't start parenting these issues are going to get much worse.  If the kid is like this now it will only get worse.  He will not out grow it.  

Step 1:  get a job

Step 2:  tell your BF how you are feeling and what needs to change for a livable situation for you.  

I'm concerned that you are too financially dependent on your boyfriend, and he's in a position of dominance in your relationship.  You are actually working a full time job taking care of HIS kid, without the benefit of marriage or even engagement.  But you're not being paid, you're not paying into social security, you're not able to contribute to a retirement account, you're not building a resume or developing your skills.  Frankly, it doesn't sound like you even enjoy watching his son.  So why are you doing that?  To make your boyfriend happy, and make his life easier?  Well, what about you??

Him telling you he'll work and having you watch his kid is not being fair to you.  Push back on that.  Go get a job doing something you want to do, and let him find other child care for his son.  At 12, he should be able to spend at least some time alone.

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is a great father, either.  He's not demanding that his child treat you properly, and he's not encouraging and teaching independence.  Also, if the kid is having a lot of trouble handling the divorce, his father needs to get him some help so he can develop coping skills.  Lots of kids have divorced parents, and they do just fine.  Being a COD is not an excuse to be a jerk, or to not behave in an age appropriate way.  It's up to the parents to make sure that doesn't happen.

This doesn't sound like a great relationship for you.  I know you love your boyfriend, but think hard about what you're getting out of this relationship.  You're young; you can find a guy without a prior relationship kid.  If you think 12 is bad, wait for the teenage years.  It'll get worse before it gets better.

You're too young for this BS, and you BF telling you to stay home while he works is a HUGE RED FLAG that he is emotionally abusive. Needs to keep you down so you don't have a way out. Been there. RUN!!

First off, as a mom to a teenage boy (15), they do NOT get more mature or humble at that age.  If anything, the arrogance is worse because they think they know everything.  So I think you might find yourself very disappointed in him as he ages.

Secondly, your BF's insistence that you not work is unsettling.  Why doesn't he want you to work?  Does he want you to be financially dependent on him?  Does he not want to care for his son?  It seems very odd that he would be so determined that you stay at home before you are even married

Also, I find your description of your SS to be odd.  At his age, he should be much more independent.  Most preteens do not want to spend all day with adults.  Most kids have their own interests and friends.  Even in this pandemic, my older children talk to friends online or entertain themselves.

You are so young.  I feel like you should take a giant step backwards to see if this is really want you want.  At the least, you are looking at 6 more years of this.  AMD the description of your SS's behavior makes it seem like he may not launch st 18 so you may have even longer.

Just to reiterate what they others have said- you really need to get a job. 

Homeschooling is a choice that can be made by the 2 parents. That decision does not need to include you or your time and energy. At 12 he is old enough to be left for the day while you and his father are working. He can do reinforcing assignments during the day and new instruction at night with his dad. 

The biggest red flag for me in your situation is not just being financially dependent (which is a dangerous place to be while not married) but that his son in an equal to you in the home. His SON "puts you in your place"??? Honey, you place is front and center in the home and he should be respectful to you- not a little smartass shit. The fact that his dad hasn't corrected this behavior means that it is only going to get worse. This should have been addressed immediately 3 years ago. The chances of anything changing now are slim to none.

Your BF is probably a bit older than you if you say that he and his ex wife had a house "all those years". Does he want more children? My youngest is 13. The thought of starting over again would make me puke. Is he going to be willing to have children if you want them? Is he going to be more worried about SS than your feelings on the matter? 

Be very careful in this situation. You have been reduced to a bedwarmer and live in nanny. You deserve more than that out of life and you deserve to be valued and respected. You are currently not by either your BF or his kid. 

Ahhh yes early step life team player syndrome! Welcome dear. 
 

some ground rules for step-world: 

1. People will treat us the way we allow them to. If you allow yourself to be live in nanny-you will be a live in nanny. However with that being said, if you do most of the parenting-you get a seat at the parenting table. If you don't like certain things SS does-parent him and teach him better if that's what you're cool with. If not, back all the way off-we call this disengagement and know that it's a process. 
 

2. communication is key in all situations. If you aren't talking to your SO about your concerns, nothing is going to change. We don't fight to be right, we fight to be understood. Is he willing to see things from your perspective? Are you willing to see things from his? Are you capable of comprising, together? I'd answer that one before you go accepting any rings or marriage proposals. If communication is in the tank, it's a non-starter or you'll be up for heartbreak city. 
 

3. this site is great for making a plan for how to deal with all of the above and make sure your compass is set at true north. Step world can be like the Bermuda triangle in a lot of ways, we keep each other's heads screwed on straight in regard to feelings, emotions and self worth. So you may get some tough love-but it comes from experience and a good place. 
 

good luck! 

I am also 26, unmarried, and a SAHM. The difference however, is that I worked before we had OUR child and now I do online school. If you're going to stay home you need to get into school to better yourself or go out and get a job. You're setting yourself up for a possible bad outcome. Bf holds all the cards meaning if you want out, you financially can't make that choice, or if he breaks up with you, you have no where to go. 
 

It sounds like you guys have 50/50 visitation. My question is, if the parents want to have their kid homeschooled and bf works throughout week, how is that a good arrangement? Would bf still keep that schedule if you and him weren't together? How would he make that work?

Let me start by saying that a step parent isn't a replacement parent. Step parents have absolutely no obligations to their step kids. The kids are their parents' responsibility. You have taken on WAY too much responsibility here. Do you realize that you have given up your life to be your bf's slave? Think it over. You're doing all the work he wants you to, picking up all his responsibilities, and you are not even paid. Why? For the sake of peace?

You are frittering away your young years and you are only a heartbeat away from walking on eggshells at home. How much fun is that? Do you actually enjoy running after this child? 

Here's the big question - how do your picture your life ideally in 5 years time? Now look at what you are living and ask yourself what your life is going REALLY going to be like in 5 years time. Ask yourself why your bf is so adamant about you being home with his son - is it cheaper to keep you than to pay a sitter? And why isn't the kid going to school? Covid or were things like this before?

Finally, if the kid is so clingy it's more than likely that it's because he only has you during the day and never sees any other kids, much less have friends. How sad is that? He's as much a prisoner of this situation as you are ... only you can walk away from it any time you want ...