SD13 ran away, BM is filing for emergency custody.
What a damn mess. SD and BM have been cooking this up for a long time. SD has been purposely not doing her school work and getting bad grades. BM has been threatening for months that SD is going to run away.
So she did. Monday morning after H and I left for work. BM assisted of course but we can't prove. BM refused to release SD to H and we had to get a Writ of Assistance from the judge so the police could retrieve her and bring her to us.
We had a little "Come To Jesus" meeting with SD last night. Had her read her run away note outloud to us, which she refused to do at first until H said it's part of her punishment for running away. Let her know if she ran away again, we would report it to the police and she would go to juvenile hall. And we would file contempt of court charges against BM for custodial interference.
BM is in court today filing for emergency custody. She is citing a "dangerous" home life. Apparently making SD go to school, do her homework, do her chores (she has to wash breakfast dishes and take the trash and recycling outside)and clean her room are all signs H and I are serious child abusers. Throw us in jail.
H has already said if the Judge sides with BM and gives her emergency custody, we are done. He will just say take her, she's yours. We have sweat blood and taken the time to make SD feel secure and welcome, make sure she understood it was OUR (the three of us) home and to help her transition from BM life to our life. We also spent nearly $40K in the last two years in an attempt to give this kid some balance in her life. BM and SD13 have been fighting it all of the way and quite frankly....I'm tired.
H refused to take another day off to be in court, and the clerk told him the judge would appreciate it if he would participate via telephone today at 1:30pm. We both know BM has had a hand in her purposely failing her classes, her bad attitude at home despite all of the counseling and of course Monday's runaway attempt. We find it very interesting that BM included SD's latest report card with her filing, especially since we never received it in the mail and SD swears up and down she never saw it. But somehow BM ended up with a piece of mail address to my H. Things that make you go....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
So here we are again. It seems like every six months there is some sort of court involved drama concerning SD and BM but this is the last. If this to trial, H will just give up.
I will let everyone know how this turns out. Maybe I'll be skid free by the time I get home tonight. :evil:
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I say let her go back to BM.
I say let her go back to BM. 40K is not worth it if she doesn't appreciate it and doesn't want to be there.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I'm sorry.
(((((hugs)))))
I agree with your DH. Why continue to make your lives hell? It won't be long and she'll be begging to come "home". And when she does I'd tell her no, that's what you chose when you ran away. Enjoy it.
Again, I'm really sorry you are going through this.
I'll have a beer tonight and do a imaginary cheers to you!
If you read my last few blogs..
then you know that I have had the same feelings lately. We have spent over $15,000 in the past few years dealing with the Ex and SD and trying to provide a better life for SD10. The BM just filed an Order of Protection against my DH stating that he was trying to control her (BM) through SD. All he wants to know is her phone number to talk to SD and their current address. Yeah, I think that constitutes an Protection Order. (sarcasm)
I told him yesterday I was at the point that I wished he would think about just letting her go back to BM during the school year and we can go back to active duty and have SD all summer. I am so tired...
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt..Abe Lincoln
I have to agree with Melis & Jen
Let her go to her BM's. It won't be long before she sees the grass isn't greener...
I had to do that to my oldest daughter, she lasted about 4 weeks.
Sounds like an opportunity to throw in a Federal Mail fraud
charge against BM. Stealing your mail is a Federal offense. Nail her ass to the wall for it. If she denies it and blames it on the kid then you have more evidence for the judge as to how poor of an influence BM is on your Skid.
I have zero tolerance for stupid bullshit from anyone, more so with adults.
In your situation I would own BM's ass and that would be one miserable young lady when the Skid gets home. You may not be able to "make" SD happy but you have absolute power to make her miserable.
A quick "Google" turned up this info:
Penalty for stealing mail? Up to 5 years in jail and a $250,000 fine.
PER OFFENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One stolen grade report = as much as 5yrs and $250,000. And the stupid idiot filed the evidence of her crime with the court. You gotta love stupid people.
Give her(SD) the choice, "follow the rules and be happy or you WILL be miserable". Explain very clearly to the Skid that when BM is in prison for mail fraud then she can go live in a foster home. Or she can come home and play by the rules. Her choice.
Good luck and best regards,
You are SO
my kinda guy!!! I hate BS too and when pushed I am not a fun person to deal with. Get on board or get left behind. Either way it is a headache to deal with and follow up on and just should NOT be happening.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's
self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
Yep!
I agree 110%. I also think she should be put into counseling to help her start to realize how much damage her BM has wreaked in people's lives, including hers.
I also think that maybe a visit to a local juvie hall, prison, or day-of-being-a-foster-child is in order for SD. Hopefully any of these would be the caffeine she needs to wake up and realize how good she has it with her Dad and SM.
You gotta love Google!
Let her go the grass is
Let her go the grass is always greener on the other side. SHe will have a honeymoon for a couple of months and it will end! Smack a smile on your faces, pack her bags, hug her and tell her you love her and oh yes, don't forget to call on occasion ...then close the door. It will open again after eith BM is done playing mom or SD realizes the grass is burnt.
I am not sure what the
I am not sure what the situation is over at BMs but maybe you should just not fight this anymore. I am sure you are tired of all this drama and fighting I know I would be. Our BM did the same thing, made all these allegations that we weren't taking care of the kids and basically we were child abusers. She wanted a family investigator to come into our home blah blah blah. My H said NOPE we won't particpate we are just tired of it all. Let her go back to the BMs house if there is no drugs or something going on there. Everything will calm down once everyone stops fighting over her. Who knows maybe she is enjoying all this fighting over her. Sounds like the SD is in control over both parents right now.. Don't play that game.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments, questions and concerns. H and I feel very strongly about boundaries, rewards and consequences for good or bad decisions.
BM is a certified nutball. She wrote the book on PAS. This latest incident has her little whore fingers all over it. All she cares about is taking SD away from H. She doesn't give a damn about what she's doing to her own children. And SD13 has been in counseling ever since the day she moved in with us. But her counselor hit a roadblock with SD's unwillingness to communicate with her father.
SD13 came home from school yesterday, happy and giddy. I asked H what was up and he quietly said I'll tell you later.....
We sat outside on our porch and he laid it all out. Judge Judy shot down BM's attempt for emergency custody. However, she wants us to pay for a court appointed attorney for SD13. Which explains SD's happy go lucky attitude. Apparently BM called her at school and wanted her to call her back immediately. The school called H and asked if it was okay for SD to contact her mother. He said sure, because he knows exactly what BM was going to say.....you have an attorney now and you're going to get your own way.
:jawdrop:
A court appointed attorney? What on earth for??? H said he had no idea, except this means another court date, more evaluations and another gut wrenching summer watching SD13 close herself off to her friends and to us. Oh and we have to pay for the attorney! H said the judge chasitised him because when she asked BM when she could pay her half, she hemmed and hawed and said maybe at the end of May. Judge Judy asked H when he could pay, and H said, Only when it's been confirmed that BM has paid her share.
H and talked long into the night last night. We concluded we're fighting a losing battle with BM and SD. Though SD is too immature to make these decisions, if she stays with us we will be going through this fight every 3 to 6 months until she turns 18 in 2013. At that point, she will pack and leave us anyway.
We are trying not to look at this as giving up on SD. What we are doing is saving our sanity, our marriage and eliminating the turmoil in our house. She will be in no danger living with BM. But we both suspect living with BM will more than likely keep her from going to college and will probably follow in BM's footsteps.
We are disappointed, feeling guilty and heartbroken over this decision. But as H said last night, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. He said you nearly left me 6 months ago and if I don't have the stomach or stamina to fight this battle....why should I expect it of you?
Thank you all again and I will keep you posted. By the way, we considered pressing charges for the mail theft, but at this point we want to be done with BM and kick her out of our lives.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy
I would stick with it for now. If BM and SD play the card again
in 3-6mos file a contempt and harassment complaint against BM.
Though I do understand your and DH's perspective that the view may not be worth the climb.
5more years and you are done regardless. However, the best thing for SD is to be with you and her Dad.
IMHO.
Good luck and best regards,
We both agree with your line
We both agree with your line of thinking and I really appreciate your input! And we believe the best place for SD is with us as well.
Our initial reaction was to keep plugging away and continue working with family counseling to strengthen the bonds at home. Trust me, we'd like nothing more than to keep her with us and keep trying.
I really need to post a blog about the last two years of what we've experienced with BM. H revealed to me last night he's been considering this decision for a very long time. As much as he'd like to teach SD13 the benefit of following through and fulfilling expectations, BM is too large of an influence on this kid. She views her children as prizes and her ex-husbands and ex-S/O as the enemy. She is only concerned about using her three daughters as tools to get back at these men. I've met the other two BF's and they are not bad guys. Like my H, they got mixed up with a manipulative woman and found out too late the "nice person" was a facade. All she cares about is gaining the prize, not how her methods are destroying these children's lives.
It's unfortunate that our legal system allows her to file claims whenever she pleases. She has never been penalized for her actions or decisions. Even though we considered her losing custody of two of her kids a consequence, she did not and within months filed mores claims with the courts to get them back. Which is how we came to our decision last night. Do we continue battling against BM, knowing full well that we are not the only ones suffering? That not only will SD13 continue to be dragged through this, but so will her little sisters (7 and 5). We have to think of all three of these girls and the impact the adults are having on all of them.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Miss Piggy