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I just wish...

Sephiria's picture

Submitted by Sephiria on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 1:49am

That my parents had better pieces of advice to offer me really than just leaving. They don't see the issue in anything, they go "oh it's only 5 years you'll be barred from re-entering, that's okay."

As I tried to explain to them (and everyone, please don't get offended) that indeed my husband's very very white. We separate for that long the chances of our marriage failing is very good. Women of *cough* my ethnic group will go through heaven and hell to keep their marriages intact, men will too. They'll tolerate distances because that's expected.

It's not unusual to hear of couples that are separated for many years before spending maybe a few months out of ever 2 years to see their spouses. It's so common that no one thinks otherwise. My cousin and her husband have been apart for the past 10 years with him working in another country constantly and they still love one another as if they were newlyweds.

But my husband won't (and I can't blame him) be able to tolerate such separations.

Growing up traditionalist and Catholic, you're taught about the importance of marriage as an institution, how you're supposed to be together through everything. Most importantly, what God has joined together man cannot separate. The only times divorces have been permitted are in cases of abuse, neglect or infidelity.

So while divorce is common in the westernworld, for traditionalists like my parents, divorces reflect very poorly on them. Considering that in most cases, it is the female that has been unfaithful. (In most scenarios, it's expected for women to tolerate men's actions and to interpret it as their own fault for lacking some wifely quality.) While cases of abuse and neglect to exist, as one can imagine, they're more difficult to conceptualize. Women in the western world have enough difficulty leaving their possessive, abusive spouses, one can only imagine how difficult it would be for a woman in other places to do the same.

As for the number 3 on that list, neglect that in itself is a can of worms. Primarily because "why did this neglect occur, can your DH not provide for you?" If the answer is yes, then the answer is why?

Ultimately it all boils down to how we're all raised.

He was raised as a regular American, understanding when and what can cause a relationship to fail. Physical distance leads to emotional distance which is a deal breaker.

I was raised believing in the sanctity of marriage, and that every course of action should be done to preserve its integrity. Marriage isn't an outfit for me to change whenever I felt like it. Distance is a cinch, but not a deal breaker.

So here we are, two great opposing forces crashing against each other. I think most couples would have cracked under less strain.

So when looking out across the great expanse at life, with my DH and myself as posts along the bridge which is marriage... it's me that's crumbling on my end, but the bridge and him are still intact.

Comments

afterallofthat's picture

Submitted by afterallofthat on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 6:24am

What? Smiles. Not sure what you are chatting about, which means I am not sure what you are needing help with. If the problem is you living in one state and he in another, then the person who's making less monies should be willing to locate, unless the spouse is living in some type of dump. Smiles. Then it comes down to finding a new area to live and move. If you don't want a divorce and you are happy as a couple then move. Smiles.

onebright1's picture

Submitted by onebright1 on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 9:26am

I can so relate. I am from the US and am also very very white, but I am catholic and I do get where you are coming from.
Does your Husband have children from another marriage or relationship?

Sephiria's picture

Submitted by Sephiria on Mon, 01/31/2011 - 4:26pm

Afterall - this post was just a continuation from my blog where every single problem I've encountered thus so far is listed in graphic detail.

Onebright - I'm not from the US and I'm an illegal. And yes, my husband has a daughter from a previous relationship that we didn't know about until the BM came out of nowhere and demanded child support. Now we're barely scraping by, no food on the table, the CS department doesn't care if we're running dry... and it's pretty miserable.

I have no job slash can't get a job. Legal fees are eating us up. We have no disposable income at all every month. I don't exist here in the states because I'm an illegal, thus I have no rights. If caught I get lovingly deported... or atleast they'll try to.

For more details just read the previous posts in my blog.

Sephiria's picture

Submitted by Sephiria on Tue, 02/01/2011 - 3:22am

To StepDown:

I checked your first posts and you said that you married you DH after knowing him for two weeks only. You've met online yet never met in person. He had a GF and she was pregnant while he had Internet relationship with you. I think that's where the problems started. You married a guy without knowing him,(2 weeks) without thinking about your legal status in this country, without having a college degree and/or a job. I understand you are young, and we all make mistakes, i dated some weirdos too. But why not accepting that you made a mistake and move on? There are plenty of great options in life.

He did have a GF, but they were LONG broken up by the time I ever came into the picture. As for knowing him, I knew him quite well already we were friends and talked lots. I know how strange it may sounds that despite everything going on, the ONLY thing that isn't going to the shitter, the ONLY thing that is in actual half decent shape... is the fact that my DH loves me, and I love my DH. Everything else is just sucking.

He told me about the situation when we married with his ex. But even back then he didn't even know because she started going around telling everyone her live in bf was the father. He washed his hands of it and we went on with our lives.

I never made a mistake in marrying my DH. I don't regret it.

When I came here, it was shortly after the BM decided to point the "I want CS" finger at him, he couldn't handle the stress and it was his family that begged me to come. I stopped my classes and came down. When I got here, he begged me to stay. So I was stuck between the terrible choice of my career or my suicidal/homicidal DH.

I don't regret marrying him. Anyone would be as depressed as he was when all this came about.

I do regret how everything's come about.

My parents are heart broken, but at the same time they understand.

My inlaws don't know what's wrong with me, but then again who can blame them.

My friends are wondering if I've died because essentially I've disappeared off of the face of the earth.

I can't go back right now, the legal and financial repercussions of it will not make it the best decision ever.

So the best option I have is to sit here, grin and bear it.

I wasn't a "young idealistic fool" that just eloped on a whim, I have no regrets about the person I married. I would be miserable if my DH wasn't bending over breaking his spine working 10-12 hours a day, sometimes 14 days straight just to make ends meet. Right now he's at home, his arm's too sore to move. He has an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon in a week and a half, and I gotta figure out where to get the cash to help with the copay.

I can't even begin to put into words what I feel. A majority of my angst is the drama the BM caused, the fact that CS is draining us SO HARD that we can't even feed ourselves.