thats why it bothers you. I know for me that when the ex is a crappy parent it affects our house. The skids want to act in the way they do at their mom's house and i will not stand for it. My house my rules. Then when they act bad bc of it, I have to deal with it!! It sucks . Just be glad that your husband didnt foot the bill for the car! Good luck and welcome ! vent away!

spoiled rotten,chip on shoulder, poor me, the world is against me, suck up to me, i have it so hard, using parents split up as a crutch, irresponsible and disrespectful - child of divorce.

i'm sorry to hear that he's learning nothing about how to be a responsible young man. detach and sit back and watch the shit show unfold. he's not yours. and thank GOD for that.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

he gets his first speeding ticket, and mouths off to the cop. Then I'm sure BM will be real happy she bought him a car."~waiting on the world to change~"

Oh wow, she should have married my H-

buying a car will motivate him to get off his rear and work at something.....what an idea. sounds just like my H "Make the kids happy, and they'll be good" it doesn't matter how many times the kids prove that this does NOT work....it only shows them that they can continue to get away with doing nothing.

I think the reason it frustrates you so much is probably the same reason it frustrates me- this rewarding a kid for bad behavior continues to increase the bad behavior that you and your husband have to deal with.....

even though my H spends his own money on the kids, and his own energy cleaning up after their mistakes, even if I stay out of it, it still frustrates me, because he's reinforcing the bad behavior that we ALL have to deal with. And it WILL come back to haunt us all later, when they're adults who still haven't achieved anything and are depending on everyone else all the time. I'm afraid H's kids will not take care of him when he's old, for instance, because he isn't teaching them to care for others, or even themselves. They only know how to sponge off of and manipulate people.

calling them spoiled, and having a large chip on their shoulder. don't think that i don't understand the immense amount of confusion and pain that they endure when parents split up, fight over money and having to be shuffled between homes. i guess all i'm saying lately, is that when you hit a certain age, and i'd say 12 is a good marker, that you are old enough to think things through. to ponder right from wrong, understand that your attitudes and behaviors affect other people and that the world does not in fact, revolve around you 24/7. i think there has to be a point in a young man or woman's life where they need to take responsibility for how they act and how they treat others. only so much can be blamed on the parents. truly. and there has to be a moment in their life where we can intelligently ascertain a 'bad egg' from 'poor kid of divorce.' what we do about it from there, well, that's up to each individual parent. and therein lies the problem eh? it's so important that these bio parents nip stuff in the bud from the outset. to ensure that they're parenting isn't jaded by guilt and the innate stupid need to 'repay' some huge imaginary debt to their child.

you know, kids are like sponges. what we tell them, what we show them, is what they believe. it's THAT important that we tell them, we show them, that divorce and a blended family is NOT a reason to act ignorant, feel sorry for yourself and it is not a reason to become selfish. we must set the tone early on or what happens? the child runs rampant in his self-loathing world, pointing his finger at every person he can to blame for his problems, trying to satiate his need to feel better by owning and acquiring more 'things' when all along, all we had to do what provide him with the tools to survive. gratitude, responsible love, attention, manners, work ethic, empathy for others, and humor.

it's never too late as stepparents to try our best to be an example of these things. but as i'm sure in many of your cases, as in mine, my good intentions and efforts are quickly thwarted by guilt-ridden dads and grandparents who judge said efforts as an attempt by yet another 'non family member' to pick on the poor child. sometimes it feels like a losing battle doesn't it?

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

I shouldn't laugh BUT.... been through this 4 times. Once with my own and 3 times with skids. When SS27 turned 14 years 9 months he was eligible to take driver's ed. Can you believe any state that allows this? His BM called up DH and asked him for MY car becuase she had been told we might be selling it so why not give it to him for free? She had dumped the kid on us for 18 months with no child support.Kid had horrible grades. So we said NO. BM then takes us to court and gets the CS doubled.

#2 SD20 turned 14, 9 months and same story from BM#2. BM#2 buys a car and demands we put a stereo system in it, pay for insurance. SD20 crashes the car three times, gets two tickets,fails to show at the hearing and recieves extra probation time. Then she totals the car and BM calls wanting us to pay her ticket for the accident and buy another car.

#3 SD17 turns 14, 9months and BM buys the car and sends us a bill threatening a trip to court for more CS.DH agree to pay for car and insurance. DH fixes the car numerous times and we pay for brakes, repairs, etc. SD runs away with the car and the police pick her up. SD has car taken away by BM numerous times because her grades stink and she flunked the whole 11th grade year and now lives with her BF20. SD wants to move home because she and BF can't afford the apt. and BM wants insurance money from DH.

When BD22 turned 16 she was allowed to get her permit, took driver's ed,had to pay insurance, repairs and for gas.Her uncle died and left her a 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix with 120,000 miles on it. When she scraped the side of the car she had to pay to have it fixed. She kept the car through college and is buying a new car this week using her own down payment and credit rating.

The moral of the story is that the cars are nothing but trouble for a poor student and the BM's often profit from pushing the father's guilt button. My DH fell for the "car as a motivator" each time.It caused multiple fights which were not worth it.I agree- sit back and watch the shit storm the car creates.

These parents who are parenting through guilt are doing no favors for their kids. The reason it bugs you is because you care about this kid, and how he will be as an adult. I work in an enviroment where I'm around TONS of teenagers and over half of them are from divorced homes. Many of these kids are AWESOME, but their parents don't feel guilty and make them accountable. The whiners and 'victims'...you see the parents feeling badly about the divorce and parenting through guilt. Uggghhhh!

At the beginning of 9th grade, I told my BS (a few months shy of 15) that if he did well first semester, he could take drivers ed in the winter. And if the good grades continued he could get his license when he was 16, the following school year - this last school year - and again if the grades continued to be good he could get a car this summer. Well, my son is 16 1/2 and has not taken drivers ed. His grades suck and since they do I will not spend my hard earned cash for drivers ed. I did not expect A's, I was fine with B's and C's but he could not even do that. With the high cost of gas - which he does understand - I have made another stipulation to drivers ed - if he ever earns it - that he has to get a job to help pay for the car expenses. He got a job this week and is talking about wanting to take drivers ed. I guess we will see. If he does get to take drivers ed, out insurance rates will go up dramitically and I for one refuse to pay even a part of that cost if his grade suck. I have told him the insurance is expensive and insurance companies give a discount for good grades.

I guess we will see what this school brings. No one ever bought me or my BF a car, we paid for our own.

Giving a kid the privilege to use your car is one thing. Buying a kid a car, especially when they haven't proven they are responsible enough to operate one, is crazy. If they are getting bad grades at school and destroying property at home, then they are too immature and too irresponsible to be trusted with a car. Our oldest is 10.5 and we're already talking about what we will do when he's 16 and driving. We will not buy him his own car. We MAY add a third vehicle to the family fleet if we find we're having a lot of scheduling conflicts over using the two cars we already have. When he goes off to college, he can take that car with him. We'll help with insurance and my DH can fix anything, so we'll help with repairs and maintenance. Once he turns 21 and/or is on his own, then the car gets titled to him and he gets his own insurance and starts footing 100% of the bill. All of this is contingent upon him earning good grades and working a part-time job to help with expenses. I am all for helping kids get off to a good start, but I will not reward bad behavior.

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ANNE 8102 | GEORGIA

You have rules and expectations too! Holy cow! Me too! Me too! My SD16 just got her licence. In CA the law states she is not to drive anyone under 25 for the first year. Two-1/2 weeks after getting her licence, she drives SD11 to our house for their timeshare scheduled visit. Both DH and I came unglued internally, but kept our composure on the outside. When DH asked SD why she was driving SD11 she said "Oh I just thought those were your rules." I just wanted to wrap my fingers around her throat. I know this entitlement notion comes from BM. When SS18 first got his licence the laws were the same and we refused to allow him to drive his sisters. BM wrote a cute little note for him to put in the glovebox for Mr. Police Officer stating that it would be more conveinent for her if her could drive his sisters. xoxo BM.

I know why you are so frustrated even when it's not your money. Because this a child that is sometimes your charge and when he is you live by the "rules" of being a good parent. It's frustrating when the BM contradicts or distroys all your hard work of trying to live right and set a good example. I wish I had some advice for you. I just try to remember that when the SK's are adults (and usless) they will be her problem NOT mine!