Never Again
Last night was the last time I will go to dinner with SS10 and MIL together.
Saturday night I finally gave in and went to dinner with MIL, MIL BF, MIL BF's BS20, SS10 and DH. I had been avoiding this day and even suggested my DH go alone with SS10, I was not going to be much company. DH begged, pleaded and said he wouldn't go unless I went too. Feeling guilty I went along.
Let me first say that I love my MIL but only when SS10 is not around. You put those two together and the same Bull crap happens. Last night was no different....as I already knew something stupid would happen. We met MIL and her weird clan at the restaurant and it immediately started with the baby talk....from both MIL and SS10. I was annexed, annoyed, repulsed by the situation and struggled to keep my mouth shut. I think I said 10 words the entire hour and half, but smiled like I was enjoying myself.
I managed to make it through our meal without too much drama UNTIL my MIL starts making a big ruckus about dessert, I mean like shouting so the 10 tables around us could here. SS had just stated he was ridiculously full and couldn't eat another thing but she went ahead and got him a hot fudge sundae anyways. Then she couldn't finish her desert and began shoving her bowl in SS face (this was a 6x6 piece of berry cobbler & ice cream, a 2/3 person desert).
DH said politely "Mom, I don't think he needs that too. He's full and done for the night."
MIL says "I don't care, he can have it."
SS looks at me, flashes me the biggest smile showing all his nasty dirty teeth as if to say "Haha, I can do what I want. Now what are you going to do?"
The entire tabled looked at me as I just sat there staring SS in the eyes without any emotion. No words were needed, my look was enough because SS shrunk down in his chair and said "I'll just eat the ice cream."
BULLSHIT!! He should have said "No grandma, Dad's right, I'm finished." It's not impossible for a 10 year to do that, my BC (15, 13 & 11) have manners and would have immediately back me and DH up. Both my mother and BC would NEVER have disrespected me or my husband, their SD.
15 minutes later we got into the car and I went off. I told my husband that his MOTHER not only disrespected him in front of his own son AGAIN but also did it in front of 100's of people. SS already thinks he can do whatever he wants. I told my husband that I will never ever go again as long as SS is there and that from here on out don't ask me. I then told SS that he was out of line, that if he ever looks at me like that again it'll be the last thing he does and that he not only was rude but embarrassed AND disrespected his father and I. The #1 person who is in charge of SS is his BF and he WILL always do as his father says/asks and I don't give a shit what my MIL thinks or says.
My husband's lack of ability to stand up to his mother and child shows weakness. It's completely unattractive and makes me question his role as a man and father. I was sitting at the table thinking "Man are you seriously going to allow this to happen? What a fuckin pussy!"
I don't normally think things like this about my husband but lately the more I step away from my SM role, the more I find my husband immature and see his lack of desire to be a responsible parent to his own flesh and blood. All of this daily drama is causing me to turn away from my husband. I think there is a cure to the problem and it's rather simple....SEND SS10 TO A CAMP FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER. This will allow me to mentally unwind from the 8 years of drama this child has put OUR FAMILY through and maybe allow the husband and I to rekindle our flames.
Weird thing about my husbands lack of parenting is that it's only with his own child. My husband is an amazing SD and my children love him as much if not more than their own BD. I couldn't have asked for a better SD for my children. This was one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. So why can he be a GREAT parent to his SC but not his own child? I don't get it!!
Tomorrow we have marriage counseling together. I have to figure something out to fix this quick or the marriage will be over. I have to find a way to say all this to my husband without being a bitch and causing a fight. I've pussy-footed my way through the last 8 years, I think it's time to just come out and say it. I just need to be prepared for all final scenarios....the one I dread the most is my husband and I splitting. That's the last thing I want.
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Comments
I think you are totally over
I think you are totally over the top on this. Your H did tell her, "Mom, I don't think he needs that too. He's full and done for the night" and its not his fault that she ignored him.
I don't understand why someone would get so upset about a piece of desert, unless the desert is the symptom and the disease is something else.
The upsetting part isn't the
The upsetting part isn't the dessert, its the fact that my MIL did exactly what my H told her not to do. Anything my H says my MIL does the opposite, as if this is her own child. She needs to respect her son and when he said HIS CHILD did not need to eat anymore, then that should have been the end of it. It would have taught my SS a valuable lesson.
My husband rolling over like a dog just showed his son that he can do whatever he wants. I don't care about dessert, I care about my H and how my MIL made him seem small and insignificant in front of my SS and those we were eating with.
Besides, I think an adult cheeseburger, fries, 2 sodas, salad, bread and hot fudge sundae was plenty for a 65lb 10 year old. My SS didn't want his grandma's desert, he doesn't like berry pie/cobbler, it was about getting his way. Needless to say he ate 2 bites of the ice cream and was done.
The kid is 10. It's not the
The kid is 10. It's not the kids place to back up his dad. I don't care how full a kid may be, they will try to find room for ice cream. Your husband should have put on his dad/man hat and told his mom and son no. Your blow up in the car won't stop it from happening again. SS knows that he can't get away with it with you, be he can with dad. So he'll just do it when you aren't around. If dad decides to man up, then it will stop.
I can really relate to your
I can really relate to your story. If it wasn't the dessert, it would have been something else, and I agree that this will continue until your SS knows he can't play his dad. Your MIL in the mix is a big issue!
MILs......I really really like my BF's mom, but she is a big problem in the issues with his adult children. She will not allow them in her home, because of their complete lack of disrespect and manners. I think they scare her too, because they are so sneaky and dishonest.
She also knows how horrible the "kids" treat my bf, yet she is convinced that if he begins enabling them again (he stopped giving in, but he still cannot bring himself to make them accountable, which is causing major issues with us) they will love him and change. She feels that he can literally buy their love. The "kids" had him spending so much money, that I dont know how he made it, and I dont know where she thinks he can keep getting money-he doesnt make a salary that could ever support their constant demands. She sits home on the computer ALL day, reading the "kids'" facebook pages, where they love to manipulate my bf by dropping hints or acting sad or whatever to make him feel bad. His mom will then text, call, or IM to ask him 9 million questions and then give him her very bad advice. We cannot get through a half hour with her before she brings the "kids" up.
I want to tell her how guilty she makes my bf feel, by doing this. He has not yet acted on her "advice" but I can see how it drains him. But he doesnt say anything to her. I feel if she has so much wisdom, she can be the one to enable the "kids." See how long it will take for them to change. It amazes me that she believes they "will see the light and become loving children." They are never going to change. They constantly get worse.
So, I know what that "dessert incident" was like for you. A meddling MIL can be a huge problem.
Personally, I think the beef
Personally, I think the beef is with MIL because she'd doesn't show respect for you or your husband's opinion. But, hey, she's the grandmother and for some weird reason, grandparents get away with that. I know...I watch my folks with all the neice and nephis...it's like WOW, that wasn't the way it was when i was growing up. WHen they become grandparents and greatgrandies, they just become people that you think you really don't know.
Guess what...when SS has kids, you get to act that way. karma and paybacks...hee hee.
The incident has already happened and it's hard to think fast when in the situation, but I feel this is what should have gone down.
WHen the kid flashed you that smile...you need to have a nice peaceful smile to return that says, 'This is really too bad, but when you get home, plan on doing something you're really going to hate". Practice that look so the kid knows it. Make it pleasant for others to see, only you, kid, and husband know that special little smile you have. Before you leave your home, let the kid know what the consequence is going to be if he gets that "smile" from you. Make it picking up neighbors dog turds in their yard as a free service to them to washing your windows. Any chore that he's not going to want to do.
The babytalk. Husband needs to let son know baby talk isn't allowed. If he starts the babytalk, he writes a chapter out of the bible, magazine, OR story book and reads it aloud to you so you know he hasn't reverted back to a baby. Before you go anywhere with grandman, show him what he will be writing so he's thinking about it when she starts that crud.
The most important thing, you need to get yourself under control instead of becoming ballistic.
WOW....sounds like you peeled your husband and his kid....not good.
AGain, the bottom line, Grandma disrepected you and husband. Grandma set the whole scene...kid's just a 10 year old given power by granny. You're going to have to remember that sometimes Granny=Feeble in the brain. You went through one of those moments with her. You'd probably wanted to kick granny's arse, but, of course, you can't. Look bad beating old granny up. ALso, if she has any money to leave, don't want to interfere with that...uh-uh no siree!!!!
Remember:
Smile that means serious consequences when you get home.
Granny=Feeble Obnoxious Loudmouth Put On....so some forgiveness there with her.
You= calm down and get your act together so the next time this happens, you can handle it!
btw...had it been me, I'd
btw...had it been me, I'd broght the dessert home and had it for breakfast the next. Jumpstart my day with a sugar treat. Only if granny was buying, though.
Remember, when granny is buying, let her pay for food you can put in the fridge and eat the next day. Payback....everyone order dessert. That should teach a thing or two next time.
I love how our spouses
I love how our spouses (particularly men) BEG us to go with them to these things. They actually want us there for moral support until we actually GET there. Then we become invisible. DH used to beg me to do stuff with his kids AND XWife. WTF????!!!?! I tried to explain it to him every way that I could that I had NO INTENTION of hanging out with his disfunctional X and his kids. If he wanted to be one big happy family, he was welcome to hang out with her all he wanted, but I wasn't having any part of it. I finally just asked him, "Being as YOU are the only thing I have in common with her, WHO do you think we'll be talking about?" That was the LAST time he asked me to do anything with her! LOL!!!!!
Oh man........my former MIL
Oh man........my former MIL was just like yours, except I hated being around her all of the time. But this is exactly the kind of stunt she would have pulled had my exH and I had kids.
We were at their house for dinner once and my exH's cousins were there too. One of his cousins had a little girl who saw "Auntie's" candy dish on the counter and asked for some. Her mother (my MIL's niece) told her no, that we'd be having dinner soon and she could have a piece for dessert.
After hearing the decision, my former MIL took the child by the hand and led her to the bowl and let her choose a piece of candy. I said "MIL, Cousin X told her to wait until after dinner" Her response was "Grandchildren were made to be spoiled." I looked right at her and asked "Are you telling me if your son and I have kids, that when I tell them no to something, you'll just give it to them?" She said "Yes, I would!"
I looked right at her and said "You just gave me another reason not to have kids. Thank you."