Stepdaughter > baby
For an update my baby came early so my husband WAS there for the birth! He has not taken any time off work yet and at this point I don't know if he will. I asked him if he was avoiding being home and he says he's just very busy and stressed.
I had an easy pregnancy, a pretty smooth birth, easy breastfeeding, quick recovery and now we have a thriving healthy baby. I'm very fortunate.
When BM had SD12 she had preeclampsia, a c section, SD had jaundice, bad colic, needed special formula, lots of little things that made things difficult when they were already not getting along, he also didn't trust BM (in general). I'm glad my husband has had a different and much more positive experience with me but I think it's making him feel guilty and it's almost like he is holding back with me and the baby. It's like he doesn't want to give the baby anything SD didn't have, materially or affection-wise. Anything he does for the baby goes right to zero when SD is around. I don't think he held the baby once while she was here and barely acknowledged her beyond asking SD what she thought about the baby. He freaked out more about SD being overly dramatic at a haunted house than when the baby was choking. He told our friends all about every little thing SD did this weekend and didn't even mention our newborn unless asked. One friend was confused because he kept calling SD "my baby". He's more gentle with a 12 year old than a 12 day old.
I'm concerned it's going to end up a my kid and his kid situation as the baby gets older. He's already shown me his true colors and the majority of the baby care is going to be me. I know he trusts me and he tells me I'm a great mom but it hurts to see him giving all this care to SD but not helping with the baby when SD is here or not. I guess I'm worried that SD will always be a bird with a broken wing to him and he's going to think our child together doesn't "need" him in the same way or he's going to deny her things to try to keep it fair while spoiling SD.
Once I got to my 3rd trimester it's like he became a totally different guy and he's checked out of this baby together. I thought we both wanted her but maybe he changed his mind and there just isn't room in his heart for a second daughter.
- SeeYouNever's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
My formerSO was like this
My formerSO was like this with our son and it never got better. Our relationship ended due to a variety of things, one of them was he always put his 1st family kids waaaaaay ahead of ours all the time was a big issue (think rediculous skid wants over baby NEEDS). Honestly, it is almost as though he viewed them as his "real" kids only.
He has not seen our son in almost 2 years now.
Wow, that's what I'm afraid
Wow, that's what I'm afraid of happening. I often tell him not to take SD shopping when he's got no money left. I'm afraid once I go back to work he won't be reliable for paying his share of daycare because buying crap fro SD is more fun than cutting a check to me.
Congratulations on your baby!
Have you talk with him? Maybe bringing how you feel to his attention will make him realize what he is doing. Men sometimes don't know what they are doing until somebody bring it to their attention.
Congratulations on your baby!
Congratulations on your baby!!
I agree with Monique. Tell him how you are feeling. Tell him that you understand that he may feel that SD has been somewhat "shorted" in not having 2 strong and capable parents but that doesn't mean that this little one needs to have her dad be "less dad" so make up for it. Tell him he really needs to step up his game here because you never had any intentions on raising this little girl alone and that is how it is feeling right now!
I will talk to him, I need
I will talk to him, I need him to see this as a 2nd chance to be a better father rather than trying to artificially keep it even between two kids he's had under very different circumstances.
he kept calling SD "my baby".
Whether there is another child in the mix or not, I find it weird to refer to a 12 year old as 'my baby'.
This would get to me. I'd point out to him that he actually has two children of which only one is an actual baby.
My DH isn't into babies, plus
My DH isn't into babies, plus I breastfed, and he works hard. My kids preferred me for the first two years.
There are some favoritism issues, DH has a weird relationship with SD, she's more like a granddaughter or a niece and a guest in our home rather than his child living here half the time, and our kids do notice that. I figure my kids have it better, he's a genuine dad to our kids, he disciplines them and they have shared interests.
When sd is there andhubby hasn’t held the baby,
Just randomly say to hubby, i’m doing the laundry or need to shower or eat something, here hold the baby. When hubby goes no you take the baby or ss chucks a hissy fit because daddy aint glued to her and hubby wants to palm off bubs to you, say firmly “no, you haven’t spent any time with our daughter and she is important too”
I wouldn’t sugarcoat anything for him and I wouldn’t tolerate this from any man
Have that serious talk with
Have that serious talk with him OP and let him know how you are feeling and what you have observed so far. After that ask him how can you both move forward and make changes that will benefit you all. Give him the opportunity to step it up and if he doesn't, suggest he get therapy to find out why and if he refuses that I'd say you have some decisions to make.
Congratulations on your bundle of joy and wishing you well through all this.