BM's little chats

My DH will respond to BM about SD only, BM learned this and stopped calling/messaging about other things. Way to go DH! Boundaries!

But it's though he thinks if BM contacts him it must be an emergency so he will always respond quickly. He was never the one to initiate calls/messages unless he's asking about SD. BM has recently discovered that if she sends him a cryptic text and then not respond then he will call her. Again, he thinks if she reaches out then he thinks it must be an emergency. He doesn't like to leave things hanging so he calls to close the loop and figure out WTF she texted about.

It's so annoying that after YEARS of him and BM barely talking she has figured out how to get him to call her. Once he calls she they goes on tangents and complains about SD. This has become a weekly occurance. Luckily after each call my DH is usually like "that bitch." I guess BM is too proud to complain about SD to her new husband and she thinks DH will comiserate with her.

Hopefully she will get bored soon but I bet this intensifies when she finds out I'm pregnant again.

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He should tell her to please

He should tell her to please text if there is an emergency and then ignore her calls, and never call her back (just text and email).

I agree with the posters who

I agree with the posters who say he needs to stop falling for it. She will stop if her behavior is no longer rewarded.

Seems to me that either your

Seems to me that either your husband is a little slow on the uptake or he just doesn't mind talking to BM. He's had the opportunity to see that a cryptic text does not an emergency requiring a call make. If it was a real emergency, BM could let him know by text without being cryptic. His boundaries are slipping, and he needs to move BM back to irrelevance.

I think he's bought the bait

I think he's bought the bait and thinks he can be more involved in SDs day to day life and that BM is giving him some insights into SD if he follows up when BM drops a crumb. He'll soon figure out that all it's doing is riling himself up by talking to BM and he doesn't get to talk to or see SD any more than before. SD has her own phone so he doesn't have to cater to BM as the middleman. If he doesn't get it soon he surely will when BM starts casually asking for more money, that always gets him to put the fence back up.

When I first met DH, BM would

When I first met DH, BM would call him daily...mostly to complain about her life or tell him he was a terrible person, basically to serve as an emotional outlet for her. These calls were often harassing and abusive and very rarely included information about SSs. At a mediation almost 5 years ago, DH got it added to their agreement that they only speak on the phone for an emergency, but all other communication must be in writing. BM signed the agreement and then railed against it. It was child neglect if he didn't take her calls. She didn't have time to update him in writing...and on and on and on. Then she moved on to claiming everything was an emergency and therefore required a phone call. For example, she would send him a text "call me, it's an emergency", only to tell him that she decided she was going to change the camp SSs were going to. Eventually, DH stopped taking those calls as well. At the last mediation, they agreed that everything would go throught Our Family Wizard and the person sending the message could text if an "immediate" response was required. So now, BM will send a text every time she sends an OFW message. However, I've *finally* convinced DH that he does not need to respond immediately. Their agreement gives the other parent 72 hours to respond and even then, there is no penalty for not responding. Also, if DH responds shortly after BM, he's just opening up a flurry of emails from her, because *none of these communications have anything to do with the children* they are all about BM and her need for attention from DH. He also told her that if she was abusive or insulting in any of her messages, he was not going to respond. So far, he hasn't. The number of messages has decreased recently, but I don't think it's because BM has learned her lesson, I think maybe she is directing her need for attention elsewhere...it will come back to DH eventually, especially when something goes wrong in her life and she needs someone else to blame or take her anger out on. DH has also gotten better about being brief and to the point with her, without getting into tit-for-tat or providing long-winded but unnecessary answers, in response to her long-winded and unnecessary requests. It definitely takes a lot of maintenance to avoid dealing with BM drama and my DH has a mother who is also attention-seeking, ignores boundaries, and manipulates to get what she wants, so unlearning his responses to those behaviors (appeasement, immediate response, capitulation) has been a process for him.