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Rules in my home and how to enforce them when DH won't

Scorpiomum1111's picture

Breif update if you have not seen my post. SD had lived with her mom the past few years, moved out before she turned 18 and now is living with us for about 5 months now due to getting kicked out of her BFs appartment. 

I know this sounds like a silly post yet I am trying to find a way to talk with my DH on what ecattaly is the ruels are for SD and why is he not enforcing them or keep changing them. Last we had takled was that SD18 has to be in or out by 9pm. Meaning if she wants to go somewhere after work and its past nine, then pack a bag. We have a little one and big dogs that bark, so we try to be in bed around 9 and we both are up early to get ready for work.

She is suppose to work so many hours a week and go to school, yet she is doing neither. I had stated I think she should help out more around the house since she is livign here for free. Instead she parties with her friends all day and night then comes here to do laundry, trash her room and then leave again. She is suppose to be saving up for a car and there is no time frame for her to move out so who knows how long she will be. When askign DH about it he stated that we are helping her get back on her feet. How when she is not saving, working, or even in school she is just freeloading. 

I want to find a way to sit down with my DH and ask again what are the rules for SD and what does he want out of me becasue every time I say anything about time or pick up your stuff I am a nagging bitch. Because I follow through. Just like last night SD came home at 9:30 then grabbed her stuff and left. When I said um do you know what time it was she had stated yea and... dad said its fine. So once again I am out of the loop and a bitch for enforcing the rule inwhich I thought it was 9p yet guess not. 

I could keep going I just want to know what is the best pay to approch this without getting defensive and kicking both of them out for not getting my way. I just want to be on the same page and I want him to stop enabling her all the time. 

Thanks

Comments

ESMOD's picture

You can't enforce "jack" that your DH doesn't agree with.

So.. while you think it's perfectly reasonable to set that 9pm time it's quite clear he has no intention of following through... So, you have a couple of choices here.  

1.  decide on a perhaps more "reasonable" time for a 19 yo to have a curfew.. and see if that improves accountability.  I mean.. I get that you have the dogs and a different kind of schedule.. and it's your home.. but that is awfully early for someone her age.. and realistically.. the option of her being "out on the street"?.. you know he won't like that.

2.  Get yourself some electronic deadbolts and go ahead and "lock them" at 9pm.. and then go to sleep with ye olde ear plugs and do not open the door for her.  If your DH tries to go open the door.. explain the high holly Hll that wil be his life if he doesn't abide by the rules HE and SHE agreed to.

And.. use your words with your husband.

You: DH, When will SD be moving out?

DH:  I don't know.. we are helping her get back on her feet.

You:  DH, what is her game plan then?  She has no hope for getting back on her feet when she isn't going back to school, doesn't work and won't save any money.  She needs to have a plan and stick to it.  I'm willing to support her if she is making progress... but I won't stand for her to just crash here and do nothing to better herself.. which is all that is happening NOW.  You need to get a plan together that includes a TIMELINE.. and if it is reasonable, we will all agree to the terms.  AND.. you need to enforce the guidelines.. it does no good to set expectations when you won't hold her accountable.

DH:  what?  

You:  I want to know concrete plans for her to get on her feet by the end of the week.  And I expect you to hold her feet to the fire on it.  It's not fair to endlessly disrupt the rest of the household's lives waiting for her to magically fix herself.

 

Cover1W's picture

I like the above. You must have a serious discussion like this with your DH.Do not do it when tensions are high or when your SD is around. Over dinner, when you two can focus on each other. If he starts getting defensive tell him calmly (and you must 100% remain calm) that you are not arguing and let him calm down before returning to the subject. Sometimes I have to just keep my mouth shut while DH gets it out of his system. Then return to the subject.

And I always have an alternative. Ex: ok DH if you do not agree or want to partner in this situation, I will do X and Y but not A and B. And if that doesn't work then I will be looking for another place to live.

Scorpiomum1111's picture

I have been thinking of bring this up in marriage counsling since everytime we do talk about a plan for his daughter it gets tens. Like last night he tried to bring something up and I told him we can talk about it tomoorw. It was laste and really did not eant to fight.

Cover1W's picture

Don't think about bringing it up in counseling, just do it! If your counselor is on the same page as you what a good situation.

You were also right to tell your H that it could wait. Never talk when tired or tensions are high.

Scorpiomum1111's picture

First thank you for making me laugh and second, I have thought alot about what you have said over teh past five months. I am just tired of fight yet also tired of picking up after her. Thank you again.

Evil4's picture

I had this problem when my SS30 was 23 and I realized that he had not evolved at all since he was around 12. My DH was one of those coddling Disney dads who would have been thrilled to pieces to live with his adult kids forever. I ultimately gave my DH 48 hours to make his decision on moving into a house I bought with me or staying with his adult kids forever. I gave the deadline because I needed to stop the never-ending cycle of DH stringing me along and buying time with the bullshit excuse, "well, I'm waiting for him to launch naturally." There was no sign whatsoever that the SKs would launch because they weren't required to grow.

I really think there are two key strategies needed. A definitive launch plan and a timeline. So, ESMOD's suggestion to say to your DH, " I want to know concrete plans for her to get on her feet by the end of the week. And I expect you to hold her feet to the fire on it. It's not fair to endlessly disrupt the rest of the household's lives waiting for her to magically fix herself," is necessary. If you don't require a definitive plan and a deadline, you're going to go in circles with your DH forever or until you go crazy and end up leaving him. 

Scorpiomum1111's picture

I really want a plan. I do not want a divorce but I do not want to live with SD for another 7 years while she just parties it up and freeloads. SD had a car when living with BM but since she moved out her mom took it because of being under 18 at the time. Now she drives ours all over the place and does not contribute. 

I am not good when brining up things to my husband on plans for his daughter becaues I shut down. Somethign I am working on. So I am just finding ways to bring this up to him and get a plan that we all know what is going on. She is never going to be on her own if she does not have too or he keeps enabling her. Also debating on bring my list up in marriage counsling that way maybe the counslor can put some light on this.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

This has been going on for 6 months at least based on the date of your last post.

Some suggestions:

  • If you are still a stay at home mom, think about getting a job.  It will give you more leverage with your DH.  Shouldn't be this way if the world was fair but the world isn't fair.
  • Don't pick up after her unless it is something that might be dangerous to your kids.  If it is, then throw whatever it is into her room and shut the door.  If it isn't dangerous, point the mess out to your DH and tell him to fix it.
  • Don't fill the gas tank in the car.  Point out that its empty to your DH and tell him to fix it.
  • Don't provide laundry supplies.  Hide them if necessary.
  • Make "home" very basic

Make all of the pain sit firmly with your DH.  

 

Scorpiomum1111's picture

Thank you. Yes I got a job back in Nov. Car she drives his DH car in which he says he has her pay for gas but who knows. For the past 4 months I have been trying to have him handel it all but then she sets him off by being disrepectful or what not and I have to listen to him compain. I want him to come up wiith a plan and both of us be on the same page. If his daughter does not like it then there is the door. I wantt to stop living in fear of what she will steal next or what will she do next etc. 

 

 

Winterglow's picture

Tell him you don't want to hear another word until he's ready to actually DO something about the situation. He doesn't get to whine and do nothing. 

Cover1W's picture

Wait - she's stealing from you?  What is she stealing?  This is a hard NO WAY in the house. Absolutely something to set a hard no crossing boudary on. I don't care if you find it hard to talk with him (I think he has you cowed so you don't talk with him - he konws his anger works to shut you up)...this is not acceptable at all.

Survivingstephell's picture

Do not make life comfortable for her.  Since working adults and little ones need their sleep, she has to conform to those needs, not the other way around.  Do not let DH off the hook on parenting the little one if he's bogged down with SD messes.  Load him up with tasks for both his kids and wear him out.  Men can be really stupid at times but if you can make him pick up all the slack, he should get frustrated with it too, then He might start to parent SD.   

hereiam's picture

 When askign DH about it he stated that we are helping her get back on her feet.

What is SD doing to get back on her feet? That should be your question to him. She is not working or going to school, nothing he says can justify that. If he is not going to enforce that, he is not going to enforce the other stuff.

He is absolutely NOT helping her, he is enabling her, which is hurting her.

justmakingthebest's picture

She sounds like a pretty typical selfish teenager who hasn't figured life out yet. Let me be clear, that does NOT give her a pass. It just means that she needs to be taught. Most importantly, like you stated, your and your husband need to be on the same page.

What I suggest is starting with him:

  • Type up EXACTLY what you want the rules to look like.
  • Create a financial plan/budget for her. How much will she need to make a month to get an apartment (probably with a roommate). Be prepared to jointly present this to her.
  • Tell your DH that rent needs to start happening. We take my special needs SS's rent and have a savings account for him. He doesn't know anything about it. But one day, we will give it all back to him. He has over 10K in there. Maybe if he was really just helping her save, he would be fine charging her.
  • Dates. Dates need to be drawn out with real time lines. 

Once those details are worked out, sit down together and talk to SD about the new changes. But having something printed: A pie chart for expenses, a budget, a calendar with goals to reach- showing those to your husband and telling him you want to HELP her LAUNCH into adulthood and not be a 30 yr old still mooching off of daddy is much better than just saying I want her gone. He might be receptive to it. 

If he isn't, then suggest they get an apartment together and you guys can live apart until she is ready to move out, but you are tired of having your life and your children's lives disrupted by an adult living in your home. 

CLove's picture

"346 days until move out" post this in a prominent place. And cross the days off. Put some pressure on your H and Sd.

hereiam's picture

 I just asked him recently if he could talk to his daughter about xyz and he was like nope.

Wow, that is some disrespect, right there.