Introduction, Part II, Are There Names for People Like Me?
Then the light begins to shine
And I hear those ancient lullabies.
And as I watch this seedling grow,
Feel my heart start to overflow. -Eric Clapton
You are still and will always be my dad...
Few things in the world will I admit to crying to. But last February when I opened my Inbox to find Mikayla's email and read the words of a 19 year old woman who still called me "daddy," I couldn't help but lose it. I've learned that there are few opportunities to correct some of the mistakes I've made in my life. After spending a year thinking that I'd alienated someone, a wave of emotion took over and I was helpless to read the rest of her email through my tears.
It didn't take long to realize that this was going to be a very confusing and possibly volatile situation. Promptly after telling me how much she missed me, she let me know that her mother still loved me as well, and that they both spoke of me often. Thoughts of re-entering a any sort of relationship with my EX requires caution. I see nothing good with reconnecting with her: it will end with us yelling at each other or a hook-up...a bad decision either way. Even now, I continue to prepare for the day that I again have to speak to my EX.
Mikayla and I have exchanged numerous emails since February. Most of my emails have an apologetic tone. I struggle with a sense of guilt and hypocrisy...being the product of an abandoned father, only to do the same. However Kayla continues to tell me that I've been the sole father in her life, and that my influence in her life continued long after her mother and I split. "No matter what you think you don't know about being a dad you were always the best a girl could have" She always makes a note to tell me that she loves and misses me, and I've finally become comfortable signing my emails with "Dad" instead of "Santiago."
I've decided to start blogging here for several reasons. This situation that I'm in is rather unique and I have very few people to talk to about this. Most of the guys I work with are paying child support to 1 or 2 kids; their opinion of what I'm would not be helpful. Second, many of my family and friends remember the trials and issues I had during and after the relationship. I mentioned my reconnection with Mikalya the last time I called my mother - she was audibly not as excited as I was. Third, as magical and wonderful as this reconnection story sounds, there are troubles still to come. She's now 3 months pregnant, her boyfriend was kicked out of his house, and she is attempting to continue in college as she continues to take care of her mother. The smart thing might be to just walk away, but my gut won't let me do that (again?).
Most of all, I'm learning to define my relationship with Mikalya again. While we have no blood ties, there is an obvious paternal connection. For the sake of prudence and for all parties involved, I'm still trying to set boundaries on this relationship. It sounds calculated and almost heartless, but I've seen plenty of posts here to know that without boundaries, people get used and people get hurt. And I'm also trying to define my own self in this whole thing. Kayla is my daughter; I have no issues saying that and feeling that.
Yet pragmatically what is my role? Who am I? Step Father seems inappropriate, since I no longer have a relationship with my EX. Caring Uncle seems too far removed. Joseph Addison one described the father-daughter relationship as a pure angelic affection. That is the love I have been shown by Mikayla, and I would be remiss to label it as anything else. Perhaps readers may think me the creepy old guy who's contacting a 19 year old woman. No matter what, I'm still looking to figure out exactly what I am.
I appreciate your input, and I hope that me and my story can be a source of optimism for those parents/step-parents learning to deal with some of the hardest issues.
All names given are pseudonyms.
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Comments
I am glad that your
I am glad that your situation came out so well Santiago! You are the EXCEPTION to the RULE (yes, ladies and gents, I stole that from "He's Just Not That Into You" but it fits for more than one thing!). It seems now-a-days with media and film that stepparents are being made out to be the wolves in sheep's clothing and boy, do we ever get treated like that! It is nice to hear that every once in a while, there is a child who truly appreciates and is thankful to their stepparent(s). Thank you for sharing your success story with us all!
As far as what you should be called, if she is comfortable calling you 'Dad' then that is what you are to her.
~*Fading*~
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Lol I'm hesitant to call
Lol I'm hesitant to call this a "success story" just yet; there's several different ways that this could end up a mess, and there's plenty more to the story. However I am thankful for your kind words.
Peace and blessings.
Blog: In My Daughter's Eyes
Regardless of whats to
Regardless of whats to happen or what has happened, the fact that she is willing to open her life back up to you and still call you 'dad' is a success in my eyes. Not too often do stepchildren accept that their stepparent (previous or current) is someone they can trust and are free to love. You obviously did so much for her that she is still grateful and full of love and admiration for you, no matter the heartbreak that ensued with you and her mother's breakup.
~*Fading*~
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*: (=’:’ ):*
•..(,(”)(”)¤°.¸¸.•´¯`»
I don't think you have to
I don't think you have to figure out what you are. You are her Dad.
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"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."
I have to commend you for
I have to commend you for reaching out to her and owning up to what you call a failure. You sound like an intellegent caring man and she a reasonable loving girl. I'm sure she would benefit from whatever role you feel you can play in her life, knowing that comes with boundries in respect to the ex.
Maybe you shouldn't give so much energy to trying to define that role or label it but just offer a continuation of the love that the past established relationship has grown out of.
It sounds like she could use some adult guidance in her life right now. Everyone needs someone to look up to and guide them and sometimes that not a parent.
You are her dad. If for any
You are her dad. If for any reason my mom and stepdad split up, I would still have contact with my stepdad. He helped raise me. He's been in my life since I was 10.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
I am very glad she has seen
I am very glad she has seen what an amazing person you are. Some might say you are an exception, but I do not believe it. I do believe that "stepfathers" are normally seen as "the good guy who married the woman with kids"...this is a very different perspective than "the witch who took my kid's father away..." I have seen it many, many, many times...
I think I get where you are
I think I get where you are coming from.
Boundaries are to help protect us. To protect our relationship with others.
In your quest, I feel like you get to decide what you get to be. Are you her dad? Is that what you want?
What does being a dad mean to you? What does your dad's role play in your life?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Santiago, Welcome, I hope
Santiago,
Welcome, I hope you find our community a good place to vent, contribute and get some useful perspective from others dealing with the challenges of blended family life.
My opinion is that you are her Dad ..... Period.
I learned long ago that becoming a parent is the only truly permanent decision we can make. Unfortunately marriage is not a permanent decision. But once we make the choice to become a parent(bio, step or otherwise) we are parents for ever.
Like you and "Kayla", I share no blood with my Son (SS-17) but when I asked his Mom to marry me I chose to become his Dad. I am his Dad regardless of my relationship with his Mom.
Fortunately his Mom and I have stuck and appear to have what it takes for lifetime commitment and I will have the pleasure of being married to his Mom till death do us part as the tradition indicates.
You will not find any opinion other than you are her Dad and a good guy.
At least from me.
Welcome and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Oh, I was SO hoping you
Oh, I was SO hoping you would comment on this Rags. This needed your input.
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"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."
Santiago - that is a
Santiago - that is a beautiful story. As another poster said, don't worry about to call it, just live it and see where it takes you. It sounds like you're proceeding in a healthy manner and you and her mother must have done something very right by Kayla in order for her to be so mature about this.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.