You are here

Skids this weekend and now I'm feeling wrung out.

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 2:02pm

OMG, it never ceases to amaze me how detached he can be. He actually came in Friday night to yell at me for not preparing the bed for ss11. I work all week and teach Group fitness at night. Yeah I work out a lot. but they are not my kids. So he's home - worked out of town Monday Tuesday Wednesday. Home all day Thursday and Friday. He actually came back to say something to me about the brats bed. Opened up his mouth and then stopped. Yes, he stopped. Thankfully, because I was going to have to tell him the way it is. I'm not the maid, nor the chef, nor the nanny. I'm not hired help. NO.
So saturday morning I went to the gym and then had to show my other house for rent. I get home he asks. Where have you been. skids are literally dangling about the living room. He is downstairs looking at the plumbing where he was ALL morning/day. I take skids for ice cream and to the arcade for a few hours. We get back he's wanting to know what's for dinner. NOPE. NOt gonna. So then SS11 starts demolitioning the spare bathroom (we're renovating and taking it out.) So he sends ss11 into the room with a sledge hammer. This went on until around 9:30 pm at which point I said I'm giving you about 5 minutes to stop this before I blow my lid. He stopped him, but was just sitting there like nothing was going on. Mind you the glasses in my cupboards are clinging together....can you say SCREAM.
So then sunday he decides he needs to work and stays in the bedroom until around 5:30 ignoring children all day long and leaving them for me and my 20 year old son to watch. TICKED me off and I'm thinking. Should I really be in a relationship with this idiot. He makes decisions without consulting me. Like keeping skids for another day which ticked me off too. Like hes deciding on all the fixtures and style for the bathroom without consulting me. Granted he's paying for it all, but does that mean I shouldn't have any input? It is my home too and I work on it quite a bit.
He went out today and bought a bench for the house. didn't tell me where he's putting it, just bought it without consulting me, it kind of made me angry and I feel like he doesn't want me there. I'm supposed to blankly sit by and take whatever he decides? If I make a suggestion, he says no that won't work. Should I make my escape plans.

Comments

kphotog's picture

Submitted by kphotog on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 2:10pm

First, an 11 year old should be able to make his own bed. My skids are required to make theirs and they're 6 and 8. It's not the prettiest thing ever, but it's made and it's fine.

If you want to know what's going on, tell your husband you want to know. Are the kids only there on the weekend? If so he can finish his work during the week. I understand not always being able to finish your work, but he shouldn't be working all day while you watch his kids. I absoutly refuse to do this for my FW without some advance notice.

Tell him how you feel, if not reevaluate your life. Figure out if he's really worth it or not. Good luck, and hang in there!

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 2:17pm

How do you avoid doing it? Should I leave the house? What shoudl I do.
The skids are there only EOW. I agree, it was all I could do to not say "can you do that when they aren't here and spend some time on them?" I"m NOT going to do it.

kphotog's picture

Submitted by kphotog on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 2:34pm

I've left the house before when I told FW told me she had to work 15 minutes before she had to, she knew about it for 2 weeks and didn't let me know. I watched the kids, fed them, turned the sprinkler on under the trampoline for them to play, had them take a bath, then put a movie in for them. She got home to a clean house and said she was hungry, the boys and I had already ate so I told her she knew how to cook I was going out, and I left. Mind you I went to Walmart and wandered around looking at stuff for about an hour, then drove around town, nothing too interesting. But she got the point.

If he's at the house, knock on his door and tell him you didn't agree to this so you're leaving.. then leave.

christie's picture

Submitted by christie on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:24pm

REALITY CHECK
Does it make sense to you that you have to leave your home or lock yourself in a private room in order to salvage your marriage? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life protecting yourself from your husband and the people he cares about more than you? I don't know you, but I know you can make a better life for yourself without this man than what you have posted here. You are entitled to be cherished, protected from pain, cared for, LOVED. Not used, exploited, taken advantage of and made to feel like staff. Take a deep breath, call a lawyer, and reclaim your SELF. Some of the relationships parsed on this site are worth saving, fixing, changing. But it depends on the guy. YOU have convinced me that YOURS isn't worth those efforts. YOU deserve better. Go get it.

Thetis's picture

Submitted by Thetis on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:29pm

But if she's not showing how she needs to be loved, or taking time to love herself, then why should he be expected to love her the way she needs? How is he even supposed to know? Common sense is not that common and it is different for everyone.

Thetis's picture

Submitted by Thetis on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 2:25pm

I will lock myself in my room, or the computer room, if I see Dh trying to pawn his responsiblities off on me. I have a great time by myself and he gets to practice parenting!

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 2:33pm

I guess since it's not summer I'm having a harder time retreating, I like being outside. It's punishment for me to be stuck in a room. I feel really guilty if I leave them there with him and go to the mall...I guess that's silly.

Thetis's picture

Submitted by Thetis on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 2:34pm

Totally is silly! But we all have our moments! Take care of yourself and the rest will kinda just follow.

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 2:36pm

There's your problem. You feel guilty. Guilt is an irrational emotion. Why should you feel guilty for taking "me" time? It isn't your responsibility to entertain or even take care of these kids. They are not yours. If you like to be with them and enjoy entertaining them. Fine, do it, but if you're feeling resentful, take some time off from "parenting" kids that are not yours. I feel no guilt at all when I take off and Creature is here even if DH is working. Nobody entertained me when I was a kid. Would she like to go shopping with me? Probably, but it wouldn't be fun for me, so I don't take her. You are allowed to choose YOU. It does not make you selfish. It is selfish for other people to think you should do their job.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:01pm

I'm afraid if I don't just take up his slack that he won't like me or will reject me or get angry at me. He is just my bf we've been together for 4 years +. But I still feel insecure I guess. This is making me sad. Why am I feeling like this. why do I feel like I need to make his homelife so seemless and smooth. Who is doing it for me?

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:08pm

I'll check it out! Thank you very much. But I'll say this, I thought being with him was about my walls coming down and being able to relax in my own home. I am feeling like I'm in a battle. A battle for self. I'm all worn out with it. they are the enemy and I'm sad to report that I want them out of my house.

Thetis's picture

Submitted by Thetis on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:12pm

Ohh read the link!!! You feel like every other woman in your situation! You`re normal.

Who told you, you `HAVE` to do these things? No one. You just have that idea in your head. Oh man I had it too!!! I was the Fairy Godmother not Stepmother! But eventually things change. What we are expecting from ourselves is not natural. Thats why it is sooo hard.
Have fun reading, and if you wanna chat about it more PM me. I can tell you all about my fairy tale life that was shreaded along with my heart!

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:33pm

Thank you Thetis, I am crying at my desk right now!! laugh. but I read a few pages and it is exactly how I feel. I agree I am the one who has defined this for myself. I will pm you soon, your story sounds intriguing. Thank you for all your kind words.

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:08pm

I'll check it out! Thank you very much. But I'll say this, I thought being with him was about my walls coming down and being able to relax in my own home. I am feeling like I'm in a battle. A battle for self. I'm all worn out with it. they are the enemy and I'm sad to report that I want them out of my house.

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:09pm

What if he does decide he doesn't like you or gets angry? Aren't you all ready feeling like hired help? Don't you get angry? Why do we all put our feelings aside because we're afraid of what THEY might feel? You are doing him a FAVOR by being with him. Anything you do with or for his kids is a gift. What if you weren't there? What if he did reject you? He'd have to do it all himself, that's what! That fear is called emotional blackmail. It basically says, I can expect everything I need and then some from you, but you shouldn't ask for anything in return or I might be angry. It is wrong! You are a person and you have feelings and you are entitled to tell him what is and what is not okay. He can disagree or he can compromise but he CANNOT tell you that you are unfair for having your own wants and needs. Making you feel selfish because you won't take on his responsibility is an unfair and narcissistic response. You are responsible FOR you and TO him. He is also responsible TO you and TO his children. Your only responsibility to his children is to respect their relationship with him, which he doesn't see to be too interested in. If he rejects you because you won't continue to make his life all cushy, then his attachment to you is related to you meeting his needs and not to his emotions for you as a person. Love is not defined by what someone does for you, it is defined by who that person is. If he can't love you for you and what you want out of life then what is the point really? Wouldn't you like to know that now rather than 10 years from now?

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

MarriedwithChild's picture

Submitted by MarriedwithChild on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:18pm

I see no further need to comment after SVS posting.

That was a mouthful...;-)

And really, what if he decides he is "over" you later on just because you don't bow? Better now than in 5-10 years, agreed.

sadstep's picture

Submitted by sadstep on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:24pm

Yes, agreed. I've got tears in my eyes, crying, another failed relationship another confirmation that I'm not loveable and that no one wants me. It's always there in the back of my head, I wonder who told me that, where it came from. He kept asking me all day yesterday what was wrong. I don't think I could even explain it to him. I just told him I was sad. I want to tell him and explain it the right way, but I don't kno how I feel silly for feelign this way.. and it sounds funny, not real.

Odd that I can tell you guys and I know you understand, but I can't tell the people that are literally in my life. I don't look like I'm so vunerable, everyone thinks I'm so strong.

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Mon, 02/15/2010 - 3:32pm

You are convinced you aren't lovable, but that is not true. Why are you so sure the relationship will fail if you're honest? Believe me, I was terrified about losing my dh, but you need to be true to yourself. You are not silly for your feelings. Sometimes dh gets angry about my feelings and I have to tell him that you can't be made because I "feel" something. It just isn't fair.

How do you know he isn't sincere in asking? You don't know he'll reject you. He may get upset or angry. Sadstep, just because someone gets upset or angry, doesn't mean they don't love you. You're upset and angry with him sometimes, but you still love him and want this to work, right? Give him some credit. Write your thoughts down if you have to. Tell him how you feel. Don't accuse him or make it about him or his kids. Make it about you and what you want and need. Tell him that you feel like a maid or a nanny and that you don't mind helping him because you love him, but when he expects you to entertain and do all the work, it makes you feel like hired help and not an equal partner in the relationship. It will be difficult and I know your fears, but he can't love you if he doesn't know you, can he? Remind him during the conversation that you love him and that you care about his kids, but you need something in return. Tell him you know he is trying (even if he isn't, this will give you credibility). Be specific about what bothers you and what you think you need help with. Tell him how important your "me" time is and how much working out means to you and how it makes you feel when he makes you feel guilty about it. Tell him that you don't mind making dinner, but his expectation that you do it everyday is unreasonable and unfair. Remind him that if you weren't there, he'd have to do those things. Remind him of everything you do for him and the kids and tell him you don't mind, BUT you need to feel appreciated and you need to feel like it is okay if you decide not to do one of those things on any given day. Sometimes that pressure comes from within or the dumb guy doesn't realize how we translate "I'm hungry, why are you so late".

Please don't jump to conclusions without giving him a chance. If he rejects you or makes you feel bad, then HE has a problem, not you. You are not the failure there, he is.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"