Good News Update... kinda.
I was worried in my previous posts that SD18 wouldn't be getting her stuff together, but she kinda is. She got a job! At starbucks down the street. (BOO!) However, overall this will be a good thing. I have been trying to change my perception of her, but I have come to realize that the depression I feel when they(SD18 and SS16) are here and when they leave, when basically anything about them arises, might be more tied to my bitterness that another woman has my husband's children. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I often feel it is deeply wrong to resent their existence and I acknowledge that it's unfair to them. I am still deeply considering divorce. Not only is it unfair to the stepkids but also my H. He can't change the past, nor does he likely want to. I just think it would be better if I was out of the picture. I have no bio children of my own, by choice and not by choice. My H's children were older already and it's been bad timing always. Does anyone else have inklings of these feelings?
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Yes
I know exactly how you feel. I felt that way about my SKs, now 60 (SD), 59 (OSS) and 55 (YSS). I also felt an intense jealousy of BM, now deceased. I irrationally felt that because of his love and intense devotion to his kids, that DH would go back to BM, if she beckoned. If I werent in the picture, its possible that she might have done that.
I have never felt such deep emotions in my life, the jealousy of BM and distaste for the kids. They weren't bad kids but were raised differently than mine. They also had a dim view of me.
I think the emotions you are feeling are valid and common in step situations. It's insightful of you to realize that these emotions aren't your, or anyone's, fault. You are correctly seeing your SDs as just flawed humans, like we all are.
Jealousy and bitterness are not rational.
Don't invest in those feelings.
You are DH's present and future. All BM has is his past. Why would you care who DH played hide the sausage with before you and he met? It matters no more than who you played that game with before you and DH met.
I have zero regrets or issues with my amazing bride having SS before we met. I would not change a thing. To change anything about her life or my life prior to meeting would change who we each were and are. Those are the things that in large part make us right for each other.
So why let his past impact your happiness? Unless he refused to get his failed family spawn under control. In which case, boot him and them and get on with your life.
Take care of you.
Yeah
I know exactly that I need to adjust my attitude in a sense but I haven't been able to yet and we have been seeing each other 8 years, married for 2. I don't know what to do anymore but admit defeat. This to me would be an act of love on my end, because I don't like this situation and it is a constant discomfort to all involved, if you ask me. I'm at my wits end I really am.
Disengaged?
Have you tried disengaging?
currently doing my best
Not really too engaged at all, I mean sometimes I'll sit 20 mins for a movie and leave.... I'll also say disappear to my room while they're all talking or something, not involved in their day to day activies as they are only here EOW and Dh is good about cooking meals etc. My problem is with the dynamics and codependency, he operates off of guilt and they are teenagers, so pretty stuck up and entitled humans at the moment and we get into so much conflict revolving around his disney dad mentality. I never expected it to be this difficult. On one hand... they are older and it's like I've been waiting so long for them to become adults and now that it's here, I realize that it's never going to end. The job of parent never does, there will be holidays and grandchildren and on and on. I just don't know that I have it in me anymore.
RoundIgo - If you read my
RoundIgo - If you read my blogs you will see I feel the same way as you. I too feel like I have accepted defeat recently. I hate SD beucase she is part of BM. I hate DH sometimes becuase I know I will always be second in his life. I hate BM for raising such a lazy spoiled child.
As I am writing this I am remembering how happy I was just before I met DH. I had moved from my home state which was the first and only time I did something like that. I felt brave, independent and so complelty happy!! I have happy momentswhen it is just DH and I but a 1/3 of every month SD is here and I hate it!!! I am at my wits end too. I want 100% happiness just not days onand off based around the visitation schedule.
It's easy for me to say....
It's easy for me to say this is a self-limiting problem since they're 16 and 18. And, I know how depressing each day with spoiled, entitled teenagers can be. But, look ahead 5 years, they'll be 21 and 23. They will most likely be in school, or working or with a boyfriend, whatever, but in any case not with you EOW. I guess the question is: is it worth giving up your relationship with DH over this problem that will diminish in 5 years?
I have guilty daddee DH85 here and we are still coping with his daughter, SD60. Yes, she's a pita and yes, he should have done things differently over the years and yes, I can't stand her. But there were a good 20 years when she was only a minimal pita and even now that we are more involved, it's only a part of my life and I can handle it. I often considered leaving DH during the SK teen years but I'm glad now I didn't.
I guess what I'm saying is, try to take the long view. I also think you might be depressed. Good luck, it's hard.
Yes
While the job of a parent never ends, it does become less hands on. It will be different in 5 or so years. When Bratty was 18 and living here I wasn't so sure at times but now that she is 25 and with Butter GF we barely hear from her. They few interactions we have are polite yet distant. It's working out.
You do need to address the depression though - hopefully with therapy.
I too had those feelings
But they went away.
As a childless woman, society really does stack the deck against us. And places a huge load of importance on the nuclear famly. But pehaps your feelings are coming from somewhere else not step-related. I would encourage counseling before leaving it all behind you. Although I was 30 lbs lighter, and happier before step-life.
It does get easier in a normal situation. In a super dysfunctional situation it gets worse.
Entitled stepbrats do not get better, but still you should explore your emotions further before leaving.