Husband only shares minimal details after GD out of town birthday party.
I have been disengaged from my adult SD's for awhile now. My husband and I get along wonderfully when those issues are removed. We have occasionally had SD's over for dinner (on his birthday) and met them at a restaurant. Recently, DH went to an out of town birthday party for GD and I did not go because I had to work. When he came home, I asked how it went and he barely told me anything. I know when you are disengaged you are not supposed to ask details or care. But, I did, because I thought maybe things had changed, since we get along so well any other time. I let it hurt my feelings that he did not volunteer to share more.
I share everything about my bio Adult kids with him and he chimes in, gets involved, and gives his opinions like a father would. But it's not so when it is his adult kids. It feels really unbalanced and I don't understand why it is this way.
I am disengaged from his daughters because they decided they did not like me when I set limits on how long we could stay when we visited or was unhappy with their Dad when he would not set any type of boundry with them.
Guess I need to get back to disengaging and have no expectations.
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Comments
Does anyone else have a
Does anyone else have a similar experience?
I'm sorry but if you made it
I'm sorry but if you made it clear you don't want to hear about the daughter it extended to this case. He's not use to sharing with you when it comes to this sort of stuff. You made it clear before I'm sure you didn't want to hear so he's just following that. You either care or you don't. It can't be selective or else it's confusing.
He probably went through alot of adjustment when you decided to disengage. He had to learn how not to share this part of his life with his partner.
If he got to be all excited and share today then tomorrow you decided nope don't care it would just reopen a wound.
No, that's not the case at
No, that's not the case at all. I never told him I didn't want to hear about SD. I just don't communicate with SD unless there is a specific reason. DH knows I care about SD's. And he knows I am open to his sharing with me.
Nope! That's not it, at all!
Maryo, you are so wise. Thank
Maryo, you are so wise. Thank you. I read this and it hit home for me also.
I understand. You do want to
I understand. You do want to hear. But, you are guarding your own well-being. Disengaging is what you have to do to survive. I'm right with you.
Rosie, there are two sides to
Rosie, there are two sides to this issue ... which I am also discovering during my disengagement journey.
First, all the PRACTICAL advice that others have given you. All this advice is logical, reasonable, and makes good common sense. These tactics involved with disengagement are usually the key to maintaining a successful relationship with your partner, keeping peace in your house, and permits you to have a life without skid disrespect, drama, etc.
The second side is more elusive. It is the emotional part of disengaging from a major part of your partner's life (family) while he enjoys a closer and beneficial relationship with yours. It is indeed imbalance, and that is hard to deal with sometimes. It can also be a cause of great sadness.
I understand both of these sides and juggling them takes practice.
Yes, you have should get back
Yes, you have should get back to disengaging and having no expectations. My DH and I have arguments when he comes home and actually tells me what happened. I don't understand why you would want a reminder of how you're not a welcome part of the family, attempts at manipulation, etc.
Thank you to everyone who
Thank you to everyone who cared enough to post. It helps to hear feedback from people who have been or are going through similar situations. It helps me to stop thinking about my feelings and think about how DH might be feeling. I know his own Mother did not have much to do with his kids when they were little and growing up and they were innocent. I know this hurt DH.
At one time I treated his daughters as if they were my own. But I stopped doing that when they hurt my feelings, to preserve myself. And then DH would not defend me or back me up, so it became a real dramatic mess. So disengagement has help to cool those fires down. I am hopeful that things could be better some day and am willing to try. But it is scary to put yourself out there again. I am sure I can have no expectations, which is hard to do.
I guess I will take it one day at a time and see what happens. Thanks again for everyone's input.