Feeling Broken
I lost my dad to Colon Cancer Dec 19, 2021. Not even 5 months later my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Kidney Cancer (she only has one kidney.) It's been a horribly stressful and upsetting battle for the past year and a half with all of this going on. I've been completing testing and luckily I am a kidney match- but she needs to be cancer free for 6 months until I can give her one of my kidneys. My mom is my WORLD and the best human being there ever was-an absolute saint of a woman.
Her surgery this upcoming Monday, that was supposed to remove 5 tumors from her kidney, has now turned into the entire removal of her (only) kidney. Dialysis will start immediately following this and the clock starts until I give my kidney.
I received this news yesterday.
DH gets home yesterday and is loving and caring to me (as always) hugging and comforting me.
Then about 15 minutes later he says "Okay so I do have to talk to you about something and it's pretty serious."
Well, he got a call from the school yesterday and SD11 has a 'cut on her leg that looks like she did it herself.'
She did, and the way it went with “finding out” was that she told her friend and her friend told the teacher. She wanted people to find out about it and cause a big fuss over her.
Now, I'm certainly not minimizing that she needs help and therapy; DH and I have been fighting a long hard battle with BM for 2 years to get her in therapy because of the drama, emotional problems, attention seeking behavior and issues at school. BM wouldn't budge.
We have tried talking to SD on several occasions and it goes in one ear and out the other. She is notorious for big dramatic shock factor behavior and is always jumping from one thing to the next to make sure all eyes are on her.
Fast forward we FINALLY got BM to agree that therapy is crucial for her and she is finally consenting to it. (Big win!)
Honestly I feel quite broken that this is what I had to deal with yesterday amidst the devastating news about my mom. It feels like this past year and a half I’ve been grieving the awful loss of my dad and now this diagnosis with my mom and to have yesterday hijacked by another one of her dramatic events is such a blow.
I talked to DH about that and he was very apologetic and said he knew it was terrible timing and he didn’t even want to bring it up but he knew it was inevitable but I understand why he felt the need to tell me immediately.
Luckily he was actually on the same page as me when I expressed my feelings about the subject because I think he’s been getting exhausted with her behavior lately. The lying, bullying, manipulating mom into thinking she’s miserable at dad’s but then manipulating us into thinking she’s miserable at moms and so many other things.
I guess I’m not necessarily asking for advice, because I feel like the therapy we FINALLY got BM to agree to will be somewhat of a solution to a lot of this but honestly, I just feel sad, broken, devastated and hopeless right now.
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So sorry, Rose Petal
You're going thru a lot, Rose Petal, and I feel for you. Sometimes, things just seem to pile on top of others. Take extra special care of yourself during this time. I find that during one of these episodes, I'm more apt to fall and have other accidents. I guess our brains are on overload.
Your SD - drama queen. These people might be tolerable in the day-to-day, we get used to their consistent drama level. But in an emergency, their "normal" is too much. Let DJ handle her issues at this time. My own SD61 has always been the same, its their normal mode due to desire for attention, boredom, low self esteem or whatever. You know she's not going to change, all you can do is minimize her effect on you by letting DH handle her and keeping your emotional boundaries strong.
Hoping for the best for you and your family.
Absolutely!
You hit the nail on the head when you said any other day they are tolerable but on days like this their ''normal" is too much. I can barely stand SD on a normal day anymore with her behavior. I feel so terrible for feeling this way but she gives me nothing good to cling onto anymore. I'm so exhausted by her.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this type of stuff yourself with SD61. Some people never seem to grow up.
Reading these comments has been therapeutic.
Don't you sometimes wonder
Don't you sometimes wonder whether these skids ramp up the drama when they know you don't have the bandwidth to deal with it? When they know you need a little extra support from your husband and they want to make sure Daddeee is focused solely on them? It's like they have ESP to detect this.
I wish your husband would have prefaced his news about SD with "I don't want you to worry because you have enough on your plate right now. Her mother and I are handling it, there's nothing you need to do, but I thought you might want to know. . . ." And then deal with it without involving you or giving you continuing updates. Your mother and your upcoming kidney surgery need to be your focus, NOT SD's latest attention seeking behavior. I'm not trying to make SD's issues less than they are, since she obviously has problems, but they can't be your issues right now.
YES! Spot on!
You couldn't be more correct about that. I seriously do believe they ramp up the drama when their parents attention lingers from them for even a minute!
I even told DH this when we talked and he seemed receptive to the idea, which felt nice to be heard and validated. He knows it's true. She would do the same kind of stuff when I first came into the picture 3 years ago- when she realized not all of daddy's attention would be spent on her every moment of the day- she would find SOME way to make sure all eyes were back on her. She is a very jealous child and it's even worse that she's an only child so she never had to share attention with anyone.
Yes- I do wish it would have been approached differently and honestly I even told him that. He sensed I was disappointed that it was even a topic. I hate to admit this but I think he may have felt a little hurt that my reaction wasn't......dramatic? I didn't make a big fuss over it and I was rather quiet and he could tell I was frustrated by the whole thing and didn't have much to contribute to the conversation. If I'm being entirely honest I didn't feel much empathy for my SD, that's probably awful to admit but like I told him, a person can only cry wolf so many times and this is just one of the many other stunts to add to the list. It'll be something different next week.
Right now, more than ever, I do NOT have the capacity to deal with this. Or her. At all.
Oh, you poor girl! I lost my
Oh, you poor girl! I lost my beloved ‘mummy’ over 4 years ago and still grieve for her. She was 96 and although I am grateful for the many years that she was in my life, I have triggers that still hit me like a punch in the gut. Fortunately, my dad, (he was younger than my mother) although in a retirement home, is still with us for which I am truly thankful.
What you are enduring, with your own dear mother in such dire straits, resonates with me and I’d love to give you a huge bearhug!
Tolerating a spoiled attention hog is the last thing that you need during this crisis. Her petty concerns must seem even less significant while you are dealing with matters of life and death, particularly when facing the strong possibility of your own kidney surgery.
Quite frankly, if I were you, I’d be hard-pressed to refrain from backhanding your little shit of a SD the next time she engages in her selfish, spoiled behaviour. At the very least, your husband should be on notice to keep his brat out of your way during this dreadful, stressful time.
(Edited to add) I apologize for the 'backhanding' comment; 'twas a bit over the top, even after having read your earlier posts and becoming very indignant over your SD's annoying, selfish, disruptive behaviour. I wasn't suggesting actual aggression (heh, heh) but merely the fleeting thought....
Your comment is perfect!
This comment was truly the best! I'm sitting in the hospital as we speak reading it and not only is it touching (thanks for sharing your vulnerability regarding your parents) but it was the comedic relief and validation I needed in this moment!
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious mom but I'm so grateful you had her so long! Even more grateful to hear you still have your dad. Cherish every moment. What I would give for one more conversation with him.
My mom is 62, and I am 29. It all seems too soon to be dealing with this. My dad was 71 when he passed and I was 28. To think of being an 'orphan' before I turn 30 is a thought that makes me sick to my stomach but is a real possibility.
I tell ya, sometimes the idea of someone giving her a swat when she's being a huge brat satisfies me, although I would never do that, but I knew what you meant by your comment!
This type of behavior has been nonstop and has only gotten worse now that time has gone by. Dad does a decent job at controlling it but it could be better- his problem is he's a people pleaser and has felt the need to overcompensate for her emotionally distant mother.
Luckily I think he's even getting tired of her stunts lately. How could anyone not start to feel that way after all this?!
Again, thank you for this. I appreciate you and your insight. Hugs!
((((Hugs)))
Rose Pedal, I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like so much and in such a short time. And I'm sorry you have to deal with steplife as well.
Thank you.
Thank you for the kind words and the empathy during this hard time. Unless people live the steplife they just don't understand. It's tough, and even tougher during challenging times.
Thank you for your kindness.
My condolences on the loss of your dad and on your mom's Dx.
Hopefully SD gets found out by the therapist that she is merely seeking attention and the therapist will help bring the proper consequeces down on this manipulative kid.
I sure hope!
I hope to God this happens. I desperately hope this gets better once therapist gets involved. I think it's my only chance at a future with my sanity!
Thanks, Rags.
Im so sorry you are going through this
((hugs))
Thank you.
Hugs back. Thank you so much for kindness.
I completely get how you feel
I completely get how you feel! It's like we can never come first! We can never be the most important, and only thing on our husbands minds even for a day.
Me knowing that anything with SD trumps anything with me, makes me never 100% happy in this relationship. He would be there for me if she was fine, but if it was an either or scenario one day, SD would always be her that got his attention.
100%!
You took the words right out of my mouth! SD being an only child only makes this worse. I swear she knows it too. She thrives on it and takes advantage of it.
DH is truly wonderful to me, he's come a long way with seeing her through rose colored glasses also, but never fully. He will still always have a biased towards her, but we will get there one day. I hope. I've gotten comfortable to be more and more real and transparent with him as the years have went on. Luckily, he's fairly receptive at this point and I'll keep working on it with him, but in the meantime, it's totally exhausting! As it sounds like you are well aware!