What's hard to understand
I don't get it. Has anyone had a life changing event then have people like on here that think I'm being selfish because I need my husband after a double masectomy with reconstruction, 2nd surgery coming up any day, possible chemo and a 3rd surgery. I have a 36 yo SD that is only wanting to see her Daddy with no regard as to what we are BOTH going through. We spent time at her house in late October, but she acts as if it's been years. It hasn't been 3 weeks since 1st surgery, waiting on another surgery ANY DAY NOW, but yet, she wants to come visit. I can't even sleep in the bed now, much less clean up before and after company.
She is already wanting DH to go stay with her 12yo & pets so she and her husband can go on a cruise. I say too early to commit, even though this will be early May. Call me selfish, I don't care, but that is NOT a priority to go 500 miles for that. I've been treated like crap and her motive is too cause problems. Before we married 14mos ago, she wasn't this clingy.
Like i said, if you don't agree, ok. If you have YOUR body torn apart and someone is constantly wanting to cause you stress, then maybe you will see.
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Selfish SD
When we are an immature,, selfish, self-centered person with no empathy, like SD, we want what we want. Our cruise is top-most in our mind and having Daddy babysit for free is a perfect solution. We haven't given one thought to SM's medical trauma or if we did, we thought, "How annoying".
I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this at this time. All best wishes for a speedy recovery.
There's nothing you can do
There's nothing you can do about the fact that SD is selfish and inconsiderate. And really, it doesn't matter if she asks to visit while you're recovering, or wants your DH to provide free babysitting many miles away when you need him. That's to be expected - she is who she is. What matters is what your husband does in response. If he allows her to come to your home when you're not up for guests, or if he leaves to go be her unpaid sitter when you need him, then HE is a lousy partner. Make sure he is aware of your needs and desires, because you know SD will make him aware of hers. If he makes the wrong choice, that's on HIM. And BTW, I don't think you're being selfish at all. Your husband made a promise - in sickness and in health.
I cannot say I've been in
I cannot say I've been in your shoes going through a traumatic medical ordeal. But my sister had a double mastectomy followed shortly thereafter with a hysterectomy. She's single and I was her main, well only,, support system. She needed me, I was there. My DH understood that. He missed spending time with me, but knew my sister's need was greater.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. The added difficulties and irritation are far from helpful. Prayers for success with your upcoming surgery and speedy healing.
You are not selfish.
Your DH's place is at your side through this challenging period. Period. Dot.
As for SD.....
Meh.
This SD is a POS. And her daddy needs to recognize it and be at his bride's side. SD and her breeding partner can figure out the care and feeding of their own spawn.
Take care of yourself. Make sure your DH has clarity that there will be no visits from his daugther or her family until you have fully recovered. If he pushes, tell him that her past issues are unhealthily stressful to you and your marriage.
DH has been great
I have no idea what I'd have done without support from DH. He's explained to SD that I've had setbacks when she's wanted to come visit, but then she texted me. I've explained the same. If it was DH going thru an illness, I wouldn't hesitate to having HIS daughter come see her dad. She's not coming to support me, she just wants to come "visit". This is not her hotel and I can't do the housework it takes before or after her visits.
I know her like a book now. She's wanting things from DH that she knows more than likely will be a NO. She wants him to feel guilty. Not working though. Yes, my daughters are local to us. The adore DH and let him know how much they care for him, appreciate him, love him, etc. SD wants to throw me to the curb. I've tried and am just tired of getting a slap in the face from her. When she visits, she and her son do the exact opposite of what I ask that they NOT do. Last visit was very stressful... wet towels thrown on floors, furniture, bed, etc. She wakes up, cooks (only for HER family), then leaves all dishes dirty. This causes issues between DH & I later. People have suggested that I leave when she visits. No, that is what she would love.
I know I sound like the wicked stepmother, but since day 1 of meeting her & her family (3 yrs now), I've gone above and beyond to be nice to her. Not only were they remembered on birthdays, but on Easter& other holidays, I've sent little packages to them, only for her to come back maybe 6 months ago texting me and saying that she doesn't trust me. This is for no reason other than she claims issues with her own mother that she doesn't speak to. It's hard for me to get past that text. I'm just tired of trying. I'm not forcing myself on her, but to send something like that, THEN want me to be understanding of her childish needs... not gonna happen. She's not a little kid that misses DADDY due to divorce. She calls him continously. She had an unusual/unhealthy obsession for her dad. I stay out of these constant calls, never letting on how irritating and annoying it is for her to call for a knock knock joke meant for a young child. It's like a girl having a crush and finding any reason to call her crush.
If our car situation was different (1 dependable for travel & a 1999 vehicle) I wouldn't mind him going sometime. We are retired and right now an 11 hour trip couldn't be economical with gas going up. I have her pegged... every 3 months she starts about wanting to come here or us go there. It's too much. She's been married 10 years, but still wanting to go down memory lane with Daddy instead of making memories with her husband.
Sorry, long message... sometimes just gotta vent.
DH has been fantastic. I think he sees through her issues, but won't verbally admit it. SS calls me to check on me a lot. SD hates her mother AND her brother. She says her mother was always "mean" to her. Probably being a parent kind of mean. SS says that is BS. HER THERAPY ISN'T WORKING!
THANKS FOR THE EAR!
I have watched my mom go
I have watched my mom go through all of the Chemo and Radiation and Reconstructions and Lymphedema and so on for the last 3 years. I don't know what would have happened without my dad's unwavering support. I can't fathom even suggesting something that would take him away from her while she is going through additional surgeries and healing.
Please tell me your husband was totally on board with the too early to commit to anything response? I still can't believe she even asked!
On board
Yes, he's been great
Yay DH!! Put the SD on mute
Yay DH!! Put the SD on mute and you just focus on getting better.
Your husband needs to run
Your husband needs to run interference for you with his daughter. He is the one there seeing your situation... and there should be no question that when his daughter asks about a visit right now.. "That absolutely will not be possible.. DW is in serious recovery and we are not able to have any visits for a while" when she asks about the cruise. "I think for safety sake, you should probably look at another option or at least arrange a backup. DW may or may not be able to manage alone when you are going.. and if she can't.. I won't be able to help. I would hate you to be without options at the last minute by relying on me".
That's it.
And when she texts YOU? hand the phone to your DH.. have him text back.. "Hey DD.. this is dad... I'm replying for DW because she is not up to it right now.. like I told you... a visit now is not possible.. please just contact me if you have any questions about her progress... she just isn't up to the oblitation to reply.. her recovery is difficult"
You Are NOT....
a wicked stepmother. Go through all the advice given in the comments. Great stuff there.
I've experienced the same. While no where near what you are going through, I had jaw surgery and DH's oldest son, in his 30's at the time, pitched a fit because DH would not take him bowling as I had just come home from the hospital. SMH
A lot of these SKs we deal with are just selfish and uncaring. Best to you.
You are fighting for your
You are fighting for your life. Don't worry about what someone on the internet says, who doesn't know you except for a few blog entries and may have their own trauma which gets triggered by something. Of course you still may need your husband. More than the dog will, that's for sure. Cancer isn't just magically over after you have the tumor removed. I guess not everyone knows that. You take care of you. Don't agonize over what people think of you, especially those who don't like you (SD) and those who don't know you (randos on the internet.)
I'm so sorry you are going
I'm so sorry you are going through this!
SD is a miniwife. As other posters wrote, your DH needs to deal with her and keep her from you (it sounds like he is being very supportive of you, which is great!). It sounds like she treats your house as a hotel and is very inconsiderate when visiting as she creates work for you/DH. And using your kitching to cook only for her and her family? NO. Then to expect DH to babysit her kids while she goes on a cruise? For me, it would be a no. She's a parent. She can take her kids with her on the cruise. You DH is not her babysitter.
I have to say I agree 100% with Rags' post. You should come first to DH any day, but especially dealing with this life-changing, scary situation.
Please hang in there.... keep us posted!
**HUGS**
Sending prayers and good thoughts your way
I cant imagine what you are going through. And Im sorry you are being treated thusly by stupid, spoiled, entitled SD.
Sending a digital hug.
You are not selfish
You are not selfish. I would take DH aside and tell him, very matter-of-factly, that how he behaves while you are laid up is going to be the deciding factor on whether or not you stay with him. Tell him what you need, and that you expect to be his number one priority until you are able to care for yourself again.
Then, follow through on your statement. If he can't get his head out of his a$$, then he can go live with his pos SD. If you have to hire a nurse because he isn't there, make you pay her out of his paycheck. There is no reason that he should be acting like this. NO REASON.
He's supportive.. of ME
He's not Com mired to SD, BUT hasn't told her NO on the pet/ baby sitting. SHE is the one that refuses to understand what is going on. Supposedly snout 14 yrs ago she had uterine, ovarian or some sort of cancer like that. I wasnt in the picture then. She was working at a cigar bar, fine one day, next day head shaved with a story of this cancer. She didn't take offers of help from people wanting to drive her to chemo, etc. because she had treatment in the middle of the night. She supposedly didn't want her mom involved, therefore dad either. Really bizarre story and reading up, I see that stories of sickness is very common for a narcissist. My point is that had she been through any cancer with chemo involved, she would be much more understanding. She's the only person I've EVER heard of that's been through chemo and had a child since then. Even her dad told me once that we can believe about 1/2 of what she says.
That is disturbing! I have
That is disturbing! I have worked in healthcare for 20 years and never have I heard of a person receiving chemotherapy at night. The infusion centers where those are given are open days only (last time I checked). And I've never seen or heard of hair completely falling out overnight from chemo? Maybe I'm mistaken but....my sister went through chemo and radiation. Her hair fell out in clumps over time, not all at once. I mean, it just doesn't all fall out overnight. It sounds like a sick game SD was playing to get some sympathy. She didn't want anyone involved because she knew she was running a scam. Very troubling behavior from SD.
I hope DH can keep her away. And you are right, if she had gone through cancer and treatment for it, she would have some understanding and empathy for you.
Keep SD far, far away if you both can. She sounds unstable.
WOW.... yeah, that seems like
WOW.... yeah, that seems like a serious lie.
I feel like unless she froze her eggs she would not have a child after chemo! The fact that her dad doesn't even believe her is scary.
Thanks for the support
I do have SOME good news. I found out that my text showed that I'm HER-2 NEGATIVE! I haven't seen the oncologist yet, but was told that this means I will NOT need chemo! No idea yet if I will need any meds, or what.
2nd surgery Friday, 2/24. This will be too "repair" tissue that isn't healing right... remove dead skin and replace. Should be a piece of cake compared to the masectomy. I'm still having issues getting up & down, in and out of a car, etc, but to be expected with by back sliced from one side to the other.
SD had been "quiet" lately, but will more than likely want to come 2 weeks after this surgery since 12 yo will be on school spring break. Nope... way too early.
Again, thanks for the kind thoughts!
New Issues
I made it through my masectomy with reconstruction in 2023... still followup appts, but moving forward. I turned 70 in October, so friends & family have me a surprise party. SD came, but stayed at my daughters house, since it was a surprise. Visit was quick on my part since she got in the day before the party. Fast forward: I had my much needed knee replacement on March 4. The week before that, we took a trip to Tampa 1st for a concert, then to Orlando to visit SS, then SD.
I ALMOST FORGOT... in November, SD sent DH a text: would you like to come spend Thanksgiving here then go to a game the next day. He told me we were invited, but declined because of a prior obligation. She is great in not including ME on invite.
Back to February trip...a few days before going to Orlando she insisted on meeting us in Tampa for dinner. I thought she just wanted to see my daughters and they weren't going to Orlando. She posted on FB sonnet about traffic on a2 hour trip. Someone asked where they were going. Her reply, "My dad was in Tampa, so we went to have dinner with him"... no mention about me or my daughters.
Again after knee replacement she was wanting to show up within weeks. That was shut down. She texted both of us about wanting to come for a dog show near her, mid June & asked if she could stay with us. I have the ok, but told her to bring a crate for the dog.
A few days ago she posted a memory from 8 years ago with her dad. She lives going down memory lane excluding me ALL THE TIME. Her post said, "I miss my daddy so much, all the time, (his name). OMG.. had I not known better, I'd think he had died. She is 38, bren married almost 11 years and DH had been gone from Orlando over 7 years! I thought long and hard on how to comment on this. I simply stated that it's really bad missing a parent due to death & at least there's no such thing as long distance, we can FaceTime & not everyone is fortunate enough to make 11 hr trips egbert 3 - 4 months. I ended it with... we do our best! Love ya!
Within minutes she was blowing up my phone texting because I was minimizing her missing her daddy & how would I feel if we didn't get to see my daughters and grandchildren every day?
I was stunned. Told her that we don't see my daughters & Grandville EVERY day, but if rolled were reversed, I'd be happy for them if they are. I went on & told her about the fact that she's minimized our marriage & since her message about not trusting me, I was having problems getting over it.
We kept going back & forth & she accused me of trying to come between her & her dad... exactly what she's trying with us. I just replied: wow, that's what you think? I give up. I blocked her on phone & FB.
HAD TO TAKE 2 XANAX TO GET TO SLEEP THAT NIGHT but still haven't told DH about it.
11 hours away and as if today, we've had visits with her 3 times this year...too much.
New Issues
I made it through my masectomy with reconstruction in 2023... still followup appts, but moving forward. I turned 70 in October, so friends & family have me a surprise party. SD came, but stayed at my daughters house, since it was a surprise. Visit was quick on my part since she got in the day before the party. Fast forward: I had my much needed knee replacement on March 4. The week before that, we took a trip to Tampa 1st for a concert, then to Orlando to visit SS, then SD.
I ALMOST FORGOT... in November, SD sent DH a text: would you like to come spend Thanksgiving here then go to a game the next day. He told me we were invited, but declined because of a prior obligation. She is great in not including ME on invite.
Back to February trip...a few days before going to Orlando she insisted on meeting us in Tampa for dinner. I thought she just wanted to see my daughters and they weren't going to Orlando. She posted on FB something about traffic on a2 hour trip. Someone asked where they were going. Her reply, "My dad was in Tampa, so we went to have dinner with him"... no mention about me or my daughters.
Again after knee replacement she was wanting to show up within weeks. That was shut down. She texted both of us about wanting to come for a dog show near here mid June & asked if she could stay with us. I gave the ok, but told her to bring a crate for the dog.
A few days ago she posted a memory from 8 years ago with her dad. She loves going down memory lane excluding me ALL THE TIME. Her post said, "I miss my daddy so much, all the time, (his name). OMG.. had I not known better, I'd think he had died. She is 38, bren married almost 11 years and DH had been gone from Orlando over 7 years! I thought long and hard on how to comment on this. I simply stated that it's really bad missing a parent due to death & at least there's no such thing as long distance, we can FaceTime & not everyone is fortunate enough to make 11 hr trips every 3 - 4 months. I ended it with... we do our best! Love ya!
Within minutes she was blowing up my phone texting because I was "minimizing" her missing her daddy & how would I feel if we didn't get to see my daughters and grandchildren every day?
I was stunned. Told her that we don't see my daughters & Grandchildren EVERY day, but if roles were reversed, I'd be happy for them if they are. I went on & told her about the fact that she's minimized our marriage & since her message about not trusting me, I was having problems getting over it. She denied that she said that & I had to remind her.
We kept going back & forth & she accused me of trying to come between her & her dad... exactly what she's trying with us. I just replied: wow, that's what you think? I give up. I blocked her on phone & FB.
HAD TO TAKE 2 XANAX TO GET TO SLEEP THAT NIGHT but still haven't told DH about it.
11 hours away and as if today, we've had visits with her 3 times this year...too much.
I've arranged trips where she could meet 1/2 way, so that is BS that I'm trying to come between then. She is going to do that just fine, without me. I'm done worth this narcissist! She is unbearble.