I just looked at my last week's blog entry and there was yet a new kind wish for my birthday. It's been a great gift and blessing to have the support of ST members through this messy bit of my life. I thank you all. Those who say comforting things, those who say difficult things. Everyone who has taken the time to type at me has said something important that is worth taking into account.

As it turned out, Bozo phoned me late in the afternoon on Friday. His tone was sort of "I'm not going to be put off that you didn't call." He told me that he had a solid arrangement for BH until 6pm on Sunday and that BM would have BH this coming weekend from Thursday afternoon until Sunday evening, leaving him free from Thursday morning when BH goes to school (Friday is a calendar day off for the school system). He wanted to know if he could plan to spend this past weekend with me. I teased him a bit about what plan he'd make if I didn't care to spend the weekend with him, but he liked my plan for the weekend and it wasn't a problem for me to fit him in, so I went and got him.

Bozo did make an odd remark about how he'd finagled his weekends off, especially the upcoming long one that BM takes BH. Something about I've "never dealt with this before" so didn't understand what lengths he had to go to in order to set it up. I let it go, but it insults me when he says things like that. Of course I've encountered selfish idiots like 'the elephant in the living room' before, it just doesn't take me as long to say no to their controlling my life. I imagine we'll wind up hashing over that false belief of his again at some point in the future.

We went to a fall festival Saturday and spent a luscious time weaving home through undiscovered back country roads. We've always enjoyed doing that together. Stress free and relaxing. I went to sleep early Saturday night, but woke up a little too early Sunday morning not feeling quite right. Set to doing my monthly bills since Bozo was still sleeping. He seemed to notice I was not in a great mood when he woke up, but got his coffee, sat down at the table and we started talking about things in general.

His parents came up and he said how his dad was trying to make a plan to take his mom up to visit with her sister (both women are getting old and struggling with health issues), but his mom wasn't really happy with his dad's plan to leave her there, go home and then come pick her up in a couple of weeks. Well, that's been an issue that has been stuck in my craw for the past year when Bozo's mom had surgery and they thought the huge masses they pulled out with half her colon were malignant. They weren't malignant, but Ma will wear a colostomy bag for the rest of her life. I had hoped that this would have been a wake up call for the old man to finally devote the last part of his life to enjoying his time together with his wife, but as soon as she was home, he turned her over to their adult children's care and went about trying to save his failing business ventures, which are still failing today as he hangs on tightly as ever. Bozo argues he'll have nothing left if he liquidates, but it's always been my feeling that he won't liquidate everything because he's deadly afraid of having free time to think and feel. After all, he's only going further in the hole by postponing liquidation.

Anyway, Bozo started going in the direction of his Ma being unreasonable about wanting her hubby with her when they visited their old home place. The family attitude has always been that Ma has no right to complain because she's never worked a 'real job' in her life while Pa supported her. I finally spit out what I'd been feeling for years. "I don't care that your mother never worked a day in her life. She's never had your father for a day in her life either. That's what scares me about you too." He looked surprised and didn't respond. I went to take a shower.

It was too warm on Sunday to do what I'd originally intended, but we both agreed we'd missed taking hearty long walks in the country. We decided to hike a vast abandoned property down the road that we've both been curious about for years. It was lovely! I've been tossing the idea of a tourism related business around in my head and going nowhere with it for quite awhile. This property with its various houses, cabins, huts, barns and countless cleared trails leading into the forest was a welcome injection of new inspiration and motivation. If I had a spread similar to that, I could do my business in a different way than anyone relatively local has ever done it before. Not that I have the million$ that this property costs, but I can dream and now have a concrete visual picture to put with my dream. Without dreams, there is nothing to create one's reality from.

Bozo brought up what I'd said about his Pa while we were sitting by a lovely brook for lunch. He said that all his Pa had ever cared about was money and he never wanted to be like that. Admitted he was relieved when he got his first DUI because it meant he no longer had to be on call 24/7 to drive for his father's (long since failed) trucking firm. Wow. I told him that no, I didn't believe that money was his main concern, but more that he would put any road block in the way of really thinking, feeling, figuring out who he really is and what he really wants for himself. Whether it be money, substance abuse or family. That his JW background didn't encourage him thinking or feeling for himself, only as a group or unit. And don't dare anyone question or challenge the prescribed 'group think.' I don't know how much sunk in, but neither time when I challenged his or his Pa's way of being did I get verbally attacked or told I was wrong for thinking that way. He quietly let me have my say.

Does it mean anything that I spent the weekend with Bozo? It was a truly enjoyable and peaceful weekend for sure, but I'm happy to have had just the weekend. I enjoy Bozo's company, but I never again want to be so enmeshed in Bozo's life that I forget to have and live my own life. I want nothing to do with Baby Huey and can't picture his ever living in my home again. Hell, I can't even picture ever again spending a couple of hours with him. Bozo actually mentioned being anxious for BH to turn 18 so he would no longer be responsible for him. Their not living here seems to help make it clearer to Bozo that his son is often an intolerable PITA. At any rate, he wasn't making excuses or covering for BH who thought he would just bulldoze his father into letting him stay Sunday night with the friends that would not make sure he got to bed on time, showered or wore clean clothes to school on Monday. Bozo seemed to be feeling a little guilty that BH was upset with him after he hung up the phone. He looked relieved when I said that a kid being upset with his parent for saying no was a positive sign that the person was doing a good job of parenting his kid.

Me, I'm savoring that my lovely super-sized Fiesta bowls are back in the cabinet so I can enjoy a hot bowl of soup in them occasionally. I revel in feeling no pressure to have supper ready each night before someone else's kid's bedtime for school. I don't miss the constant trips to the store to pick up items that wouldn't be on my menu or staples used up too quickly (like toilet paper) because of over greedy 'son'sumption. I don't have anything BH to complain about, so I don't have Bozo verbally attacking or emotionally abusing me in order to excuse or minimize my complaints about BH. A 2 year old gum abscess that repeated rounds of antibiotics did nothing to relieve has sunk down to nothing. Seems like it was all stress related.

Bozo might be drinking slightly less beer, but has made no move to stop. He blew off my suggestion of AA when I first put him and BH out. At the time he said that if he were going to stop he'd be just like his Pa and quit cold turkey. He has not mentioned it since. That's my safety. I'm working my 12 Steps of Codependency and won't live with someone who won't work his 12 Steps or similar too.

I don't know what's going to happen with Bozo and me. It doesn't really matter. I do know that my head, thoughts and feelings are mine again. That I can have them without being verbally beat up and made to feel guilty. I won't let that go in order to be with someone or have a relationship. In this respect, my relationship with Bozo is the best it's ever been.