Oh, I did indeed set a bottom line!

Yesterday in my Relationship Incrementalism blog post, I puzzled over how all of my expectations and boundaries just swirl down the toilet and get flushed away when I'm in a close relationship with a man. I was willing to let bf and BH stay on under a tenancy agreement just so I could gain some practice in setting bottom lines, establishing boundaries and following through on consequences. Turns out there will be no need for that.

At the beginning of the year, bf was facing court for a second DUI and accompanying possession of marijuana charges. Wow, the first DUI and possession of pot charges (before we met) would have been a wake up call to anyone with a half a brain, but no, my brainless Bozo thinks it's ok to toke, toke, toke wherever he goes with the other hand to which his beer can is not permanently attached. I didn't waste time trying to talk Bozo into AA, but finally got fed up with him putting me, my home and property at risk with his substance abuse and illegal behaviors.

In January, I put my bottom line about those issues to paper and gave him a copy:

"If you value the life and home we share together:

1.) There will be no drinking beer or alcohol and carrying or consuming pot in my motor vehicles
2.) There will be no pot or related paraphernalia in my home, on my property or in my presence

Those are my rules, like 'em or not. I'm done debating and graciously ignoring your sneaking around the house and yard to toke. If you can't abide by these simple rules, your choice is to live elsewhere.

He got a warning in May and another copy of the rules. Last weekend, I reminded him again that I had no tolerance for his illegal behaviors and did not want them around me. Today I walked out to my shed. It stunk of pot and Bozo of the Blood Shot Eyes was stuffing his pipe into his pocket.

He's clearly chosen that he values substance abuse over the safety and protection of me, his son or himself; and will be held accountable for the clearly stated consequence of his choice. He and BH will go live elsewhere.

They're not home presently and I don't know if they intend to come back tonight. If they don't, the locks will be changed and as much as possible of their belongings will be packed out onto the porch. If they do come back tonight, then I'll have to handle eviction face-to-face. Don't relish that task, but I have nothing to feel guilty or bad about in following through.

So it was not that I had failed to make any of my needs, requirements and boundaries clear. Bf felt no obligation to respect them. Bf felt it was ok to completely ignore and walk all over them. Wow, that hurts. Probably not as much as figuring out how I could leave myself open to being treated that way, though. Uggh.

I'll be ok. I've started working my CoDA 12 steps. Tomorrow I'll find a new church to visit and there will be CoDA meetings next week. My younger daughter and grandson will be coming up next weekend close enough for me to meet with them; and my elder daughter, granddaughter and I have made a date for the last weekend in Sept.

Truth is, I've felt better and stronger in the past week than in a long, long time. A few weeks ago when I couldn't sort or put my finger on exactly why everything was wrong in my life and nothing working, I was pale, drained and physically ill. Well, I don't deserve to have the life sucked out of me by people who don't care and I'm saying "no" to them now. This is progress.

reluctantgma's blog
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Way to go!! Stay strong!!

Way to go!! Stay strong!! You're worth it!!

Good for you for sticking to

Good for you for sticking to your guns! Just as a precaution, though, you might want to check your state laws about eviction. I, as an uneducated citizen, would think you'd have every right, but found out after a blog I posted a while back (june or july, I think), that I did not have half the rights I thought I did.

Where's Foxie when you need her?

I'm not concerned. Bozo is

I'm not concerned. Bozo is absolutely WELCOME to phone the law and complain that I threw him out for smoking pot! He's already on unsupervised probation for the next decade or so due to his DUI/pot possession charges. He has no lease agreement. Other than a "gift" he made to me from a tax credit when he moved back in April, he doesn't pay his and his son's keep in my home. The "gift" would have covered maybe 2-2.5 months worth of their expenses to live here. It's long gone and he's offered nothing further. Doesn't seem that my state offers remediation to people living for free.

When I looked up the state rules for landlord/tenant arrangements, it made me uneasy. I'm relieved Bozo blew it before we got there.

No doubt Foxie is floating around. If she is and thinks I'm upset with her, it isn't so. I had to methodically make my way through this situation my own way is all...

Hey, Foxie! So, you'd never

Hey, Foxie! So, you'd never believe what happened w/ my unwelcome house guest - actually, you probably can guess. DH refused to allow me to kick him out, insisted he'd handle it. Lo and behold come the day he's supposed to be gone . . . he isn't. Guest forgot he promised to be gone by that date and "just figured" he'd go looking in the next week or two. This was 3 days before the baby was coming and the day my mom arrived. I lost my mind on DH; Guest was gone that weekend.

So . . . DH casually mentions to me two weekends ago that he has another buddy in the same position who's been asking about staying in our basement. His wife may need to stay with us, too, until they can find an apartment. I told him if he even considered moving someone else in - EVER - he'd be working on divorce #2. The craziest thing happened, his buddy figured it out on his own.

Oh, I did indeed set a bottom line!