DH seeing kids at BM's because of me
The stepkids haven't been over in months because I blew up at them about their BM and haven't been back since.
I wasn't feeling secure with my relationship with DH. I had just given birth to our DD, A coworker of mine left and I got stuck with her workload, my new boss is a jerk, my horomes were all over the place, and my grandmother who I was very close with passed away. The Steps were constantly talking about BM. She was sending baked goods with them to the house and everyone would indulge themselves- except me. I was feeling very insecure. She began hitting the gym again, got a new wardrobe and everthing. I caught him making glances at her at Walmart once and he even called her my name when we were having sex. I have been cheated on before and I got a little paranoid.
My In-laws still very much consider BM a part of the family. DH and BM were high school and college sweethearts. She lost her parents at 19 and DH's family essentially took her in. DH friend's circle still assoicate with her .It was as if she monopolized every aspect of DH's life.
The nail in the coffin was in December when it was DH birthday and I pulled up to the house and saw DH hugging her. She found DH's grandfather's watch that he passed down to him before he passed. She had it professionally cleaned and fixed and gave it to him. I kept my distance from everyone until dinner and SD was talking about her birthday party that BM was having for her and I just lost it. I said some very terrible things about BM to them and went into our room. I feel terrible and regret everything I said. Everthing was building up and common sense went out the window. DH took the skids back to BM's and we had a huge fight.
The Skids haven't been over since and I don't blame them. BM told DH that she never wants to hear from me and that I'm not allowed to be around the skids. Then COVID happened and DH has been going to BM's to spend time with them.
My MIL is normally a very kind and gentle woman but when she found out, she was pissed. I've never seen her that angry before.
I feel awful. I really do. BM went out to her way to include me in the skids lives. When I first her, she brought up the idea that if we could find some ground and be friendly to each other in would the skids lives a lot easier and they'd come to accept me without feeling threatened. I became more of the fun aunt with them and I was okay with that. When I told my own family about her, they were shocked. Her kids are her life and she made her to talk to her kids about respecting me as well. She was even included in our wedding and I even ackowleged her in my speech. Everything was great until I let my own issues cloud my judgement. Heck my own Mom told me how I messed up and owe BM and the skids an apology. I'm even considering going to her house to apologize not only to her but to the skids as well but she told DH that I'm not allowed on her property.
DD14(from first marriage) and BS6(with DH) have been asking about them and they haven't seen their baby sister in months.
I don't want to lose my marriage because of this.
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Comments
Yes you messed but but your
Yes you messed but but your husband did too.
Make your apologies and try to move on. Bm was a new mom once and may understand.
Your DH is showing a lot of disrespect towards you by not making the kids follow the CO and come to.your house.
The guiltiest party here is
The guiltiest party here is your DH. I'm always amazed how these husbands get forgotten. Everyone tries to boil it down to SM vs. BM or SM vs. SKs. Well. . . where is SM’s husband and the SKs’ dad? He is probably sitting back on the couch eating Pringles and clicking away on the remote belly-aching about how he doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle.
BM is mom, and you are your husband’s wife. Your husband has not been treating you like a wife (or long-term SO). And, he has not been treating you like the new mother you are. So, in a 50:50 split, why does BM get 100% of the say regarding their children? It took two to procreate. "BM told DH that she never wants to hear from me and that I'm not allowed to be around the skids." One blow up and that is it? And, DH is on board with this? See. . . the bios get all the passes they want, and SMs get zero. Even with probable post-partum depression, no pass is given. Hmm. And, DH goes on his merry way to make "everyone" happy (BM, their kids together, inlaws), other than his wife of course. Rather, she is shunned by all and has to deal with feeling like she has been a bery bad evil SM.
Think about this more. I know you have a baby to think about now too. Apologize if you want, but it sounds to me like it will always be DH’s way (or should I say BM's) or the highway.
The steplife thing is so hard
The steplife thing is so hard. You have acknowedged your mistake, and if you haven't apologized to all involved, that will help a lot. Then, it's time to move on. Words can be painful, but that's what they were. Idk what your history is, but i saw that in one of your posts you talked about ppd. I'm assuming that means postpartum depression? Dealing with a mental health issue and skid issues is a very tough combination. You said you included BM in your wedding. That was going above and beyond to keep the peace. It's time for your DH to return the favor and stop the nonsense of seeing the kids at BM's house. He needs to support you and the kids in repairing the relationship.
You are being to hard on yourself...
You are being to hard on yourself!! You made a mistake and you own that. The only mistake I see that you might have made was to say bad things about BM to the kids. HOWEVER, bad as it might of been it wasn't like she was a saint and everything was tea and roses and you just out of the blue started spewing bad things about BM for no reason.
Sure the picture that is painted here is that BM is mother earth and God's gift to the world. Isn't she wonderful accepting the horrid step-mother into her darlings life. callous if you ask me. This BM is way to caught up in your life and your husbands life and his family. There was no place for you to have any corner of that life without her in it. Sure she acted wonderful but mark my words had you all backed her out of your life a bit because your DH had moved on with you, you would have seen a very different side of BM I am sure. She pushed YOU to be the one to snap so quite possibly she could say SEE!!!!
Your husband should stick by you after all you said you were sorry people make mistakes and not as many own up to it. He needs to look and care about what pushed you to it and stick by you. He also needs to see how his behavior contributed to how you snapped and above all stand up to BM !!
Cut yourself some slack!! Let more time pass and do not go near BM's with any apology or phone calls. You already said you were sorry to deaf ears. Don't put yourself through that. Let more time pass as I said but have a sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel about all of the intrusions from BM that lead up to your outburst. Mention the hug and the watch too. That was inappropriate for her to do!! Just because he has known her and was once married to her does not matter. He is now married and should not be acting this way with another woman. Your DH needs to see how his behavior and BM has effected you!!!
I wouldn't be apologizing for
I wouldn't be apologizing for anything if it was me OP. This BM clearly doesn't know what a boundary is and your DH and her are way too enmeshed with each other. If my DH said BM's name during sex I have no idea WTF I would even do. Please do not feel guilty about your feelings towards BM. Why do these people think it's normal for the BM to cross boundaries like this I have no idea. Jesus!!!
I would go as far as telling
I would go as far as telling BM why she flipped and what her H said, except with that level of enmeshment they might just get together again.
If my kids SM told me that my exH made a slip like that- I would be so disgusted that I would help her yell at him and anything she may have said to me or my kids would be forgiven instantly!! However.. this situation is so sticky.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
It sounds as though you have had to put up with an awful lot before you finally lost your cool.
Many women wouldn't have gotten as far as you have without blowing up. Too much inappropriateness, in my opinion. It seems everyone has been out of line. BM for inserting herself in your family. She had no cause to bake for your home, give your DH his own watch as a gift, hug him etc. Why did she have DH's watch in the first place, it wasn't hers to give? That would be crossing boundaries for me. Your DH didn't help the situation by encouraging it, or at least not stopping it. DH's family for not acknowledging you are the wife, not BM.
You didn't respond well, admittedly. It probably would have been better to speak to DH without the skids present, but what is done is done. You have apologised. Did you express to DH just how all the separate issues compounded into the straw that broke the camels back for you? I wonder if he could see how all the issues would make you feel?
DH obeying BM and going to her home to visit the skids is not showing he has your back. It is showing BM that she calls the shots and he is complying with her demands over trying to repair the relationships within your home. You haven't said how DH feels about it? Is he still angry with you? Does he agree with BM that you should not be near the skids?
Your DH should be looking forward at what he wants for his family moving forward, that family being him, you, your bios and skids. He seems not to be considering this. Instead he has taken the path of backing BM's demands. I don't believe this is healthy. Has your MIL calmed down, or have you spoken with her again about your regrets?
I hope you can have a good talk with your DH and let him know that while you were wrong in your outburst to the skids, you were not wrong in your feelings. You deserve to be treated as his wife, just like any other wife, and your family is priority, not BM and not MIL. The actions he is taking will only further distance you from the skids, and make it harder to resume a relationship with them.
Good luck, I feel for you. I think we've all said things in the heat of the moment we regret. You sound like yours were a one off occurrance, in this instance I think combined with all the stressors which have been placed upon you, that DH could give you a little leeway and make an effort to reconnect the skids into your home. BM shouldn't be dictating to him where he can see the skids, expeically in her home. If he has a CO he should be doing his best to have the skids follow it and mend the rift in your home.
Does anyone in your life
Does anyone in your life treat you with respect? Don't teach your kids that it's ok to be treated as a second class citizen in your own home. You need to demand respect. My guess is they will call you a bitch if you dare to ask for the same level of love and respect that they seem to show to each other. Why are you everyones punching bag?
I don't blame you for saying things to the stepkids like you did. When people are treated poorly for a long time they eventually snap.