When something fails the smell test, why keep sniffing it?
Why do we, or why does anyone, tolerate stench? Whether it is an actual odor, or a speculative odor, if it stinks, pinch your nose, find, and eliminate the source.
Certainly there is some element of the level of pleasantness of a smell is in the nose of the smell-er. However, some things are unquestionably noxious odoriferous emanations. Noxious people, noxious behaviors, noxious attitudes, etc, etc, etc.
Why keep "smelling" them?
That is the question.
This surfaced in my brain today due to my brilliant bride asking my opinion on the smell test regarding some attempts to sidestep tax obligations by clients. Though I am no accountant, I have had a crap ton of university level accounting courses in undergrad, and grad school. So I know just enough to ask some moderately informed and moderately intelligent questions.
She is a bloodhound regarding tax and accounting fraud. One of her early careers was auditing for a state inspector general's office. She helped put some people in prison for hinky cooking of the books when in that role. This is also why her clients worship her. She keeps them out of trouble, and she gets them out of some major tax bills that less focused accountants set them up to have to pay.
Why do people try, even more, why do people tolerate it when the waves of odoriferous clouds seemingly continuously circulate?
We all see it, we all recognize it when the clouds waft back around. So why do so many tolerate it rather than eliminating the source?
From the blended family perspective anyway.
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It's the path of least
It's the path of least resistance. For years I wondered the same thing. Given my work situation and past blended family crap, I couldn't understand why some people can march along merrily causing such destruction and no one says a word. Some even get rewarded for it with people sucking up to them.
I had a full therapy session dedicated to that burning question. It's because people don't know how to deal with it or they don't want to. Many people are conflict-avoidant so they are willfully blind. There's also the fight, flight, freeze or fawn effect. People will react to bad people with one of the four responses. For example, in my workplace we had a woman who made a big show in shunning everyone yet management kissed her ass and gave her special provisioins. It turned out that management throught that if they were super nice to her or used that, "just love them to death" bullshit, it would inspire the shunning bitch to be nice. It never worked. Management had no clue that the reason they were caught in a several year cycle with this piecie of shit was because they were rewarding her and therefore reinforcing her behaviour. She was getting special provisions that no one else had and was getting sucked up to. Why would she change? My therapist said that what happens is that a person tried behaviour A and tells themself "oh that didn't work," then they try behviour B and say the same thing and then when behvaviour C gets them what they want, they go, "oh eureka! That one worked!" Then they keep doing it. It's the same in blended land. Manipulative coddled brat acts like they're starved for attention, enmeshed parent doesn't know what to do so they act willfully blind or do anything and everything to not confront it.
I'm a huge fan of Dr. Ramani and I have watched many of her videos on youtube. She talks about this very topic and the answer is it's the path of least resistance. People know that if they confront the person acting like a twat, that person will be difficult and possibly turn it around on the other person that they are the ones being abusive.
Both my therapist and Dr. Ramani really helped me let go of my burning question of why I was always sold out to bad people. I was able to let it go. However, that leads to the next stage: the path of least resistence is an explanation but not an excuse.
Path of least resistance.. is
Path of least resistance.. is sometimes self preservation.. we only have so much bandwidth to "fix the wrong" and sometimes the consequences for "fixing the wrong" can be more than people want to risk. They don't want to lose their job.. they need that job to pay bills.. so they just ignore.. and get on with life.
People often have just bigger fish to fry in their life.. and dealing with the jerk at work.. well.. when you may have home issues... financial issues.. etc.. well.. you can't fix everything.
And.. in the end.. sometimes we have to accept we can't fix certain things or people.. so there is that too.
I find that dealing with succubus or incubus personalities IRL
I find that dealing with succubus or incubus personalities IRL is much easier in personal life than professional. Due to just what you (ESMOD) and Evil4 have pointed out. Walking the professional behavior tight rope, the HR maze, etc... is challenging because to live we have to work and earn. Unfortunately the toxic are extremely well protected by employment law, HR departments, limitations on management, etc... The quality people are sadly often fodder and chum for the toxic in the professional and work world.
In personal life, people can readily be categorized and dealt with as they earn and live the consequences that they choose with their behaviors. There are no employment laws, HR, or polices that they can hide behind. What tends to happen is they hide behind human nature that brings the 4 Fs to play. I was familiar with Fight or Flight. Freeze and Fawn are new to me though absolutely accurate. 4 Fs explain who so many tolerate the crap far better than just 2 Fs explain it.
I have mentioned a situation from grade school where there was a very friendly bull dog that would join all of the kids at the bus line at the end of the school day. He would meander through all of the kids for scratches, pets, and treats. He would approach small groups of kids, wag his rear end, then roll over on his back for belly rubs. There was a group of about 4 boys who were evil little shits who would whack the dog in the testicles with a stuck when he rolled over for pets, scratches, and rubs with those boys. That poor dog would just howl in pain and then not move. He would double down on wanting love. Those 4 boys were the first bullies that I dealt with. I went off on them. Overwhelming aggression surprised them so much that they never raised a hand to me. It just errupted when I started swinging on them. Freeze and Fawn is exactly what that poor dog did when those boys hurt him. It is good for the dog that he did not eat them alive as he likely would have been put down for eating them. Though I was taken to the office and my parents called, I got in no trouble. The girls and a number of boys told the Principal what had happened. I got a stern lecture from the Principal. The evil little shit spawn of hell boys got suspended.
Access to our lives, and what we represent is what those in our personal lives earn with reasonable choices. Escalating misery is what IMHO we should bring to bear when they chose otherwise.
I would say that often even
I would say that often even in our personal lives it can be complicated and difficult to actually deal with issues.
Like.. my YSD was very upset yesterday.. she goes and eats lunch during the workweek with her Grandparents (my MIL and FIL). She is one of several grandchildren who live in the area.. and helps her grandparents from time to time (like taking her grandmother to the Dr several times when she got pneumonia).. (as does one of the other granddaughters).. The rest of the grandkids are still in "taker" mode (glad to come eat meals.. but offer little in return)
There is also a wife of a cousin who lives next door and seems to try to "horn in" on her time with her grandparents.. and has actually blocked my YSD on social media.. so she doesn't love sharing the time she has with people who in part raised her parts of her life.
But.. MIL is starting to as we like to say here "lose it".. she doesn't always make the best decisions.. and can be pretty skewed in how she deals with people and things... I won't see her any more.. she just is too difficult for me..
But.. YSD loves her.. so yesterday when she went for lunch.. the SIL was there too.. of course to steal her thunder because YSD just bought a new car.. so of course SIL has to distract.
Then.. at lunch.. MIL blurts out she is going to the movies.. with YSD's sister.. her sister's kids.. her cousin (and cousin's kids)).. and drum roll...... the SIL is invited too (has no kids). YSD finds her voice and says.. "Gee.. thanks for not inviting me".. then MIL blurts out.. Oh.. and we invited "EX DIL who was married to my DH's brother"... so not only is my YSD the only girl not invited who lives in the area.. but an EX is invited too... !!
YSD is hurt.. but she also loves MIL and knows she is getting funny about things.. but it still stings.. but she can only do so much about it right.. without potentially regretting an estrangement from someone who was important to her.. at the end of that person's life.. it sucks.. but we can't always cut out toxic.. because some of it comes intertwined with a lot of history.
Aging family can be difficult to navigate.
Why not just go to the movie invited or not? The overstepping CIL can F-off. I am sure your MIL would not say a word and likely would not recognize anything being amiss.
For me these games are a game on challenge. I use them to make very pointed points with those playing the games.
My ILs do this stuff regularly. BIL1's bovine bride recently purchased the same vehicle that my DW drives. They are die hard brand loyal people and we do not drive their brand. Yet, DW has the top of the line version of her vehicle. BIL1's bovine bride is all nose in the wind haughty about her new one and how my DW's is not brand new. So, I nonchalantly asked "How much are your payments?" Dead silence. We don't do payments. She is in for nearly $1Kmo for 7yrs.
Had she not tried the "Mine is new and I'm better than you" bullshit, I would not have said a word. As it was, I asked a simple 5word question.
I get being proud of a new car, house, etc... However, pride at someone else's expense is toxic. I do not tolerate toxic. It has been decades and the same players play the same games. Then they are all butt hurt when I ask a simple question.
I have not been able to take the path of least resistance career
I have not been able to take the path of least resistance career wise.
It has cost me several phases of my career. It cost me a Directorship at my first company out of Engineering school after 8yrs where I reached Sr. Manager level. It cost me a Vice Presidency at the two companies that I was Director then Sr. Director with. Then it cost me work stability. Companies like my background and experience. They do not like that what I do to continually optimize organizational and high cost capital investment production equipment highlights shenanigans in existing processes, procedures, organizations, and cultures.
So, they like me around for about 2yrs, then they want me gone because what I do is painful for the chosen next wave of leaders who came up during the status quo in place before I made things world class if not best in class. So, Sr. Execs who want their chosen minions to lead as the Sr. Execs move to C-Suite roles want to retrench to the prior processes and practices before they are exposed as a major part of the problem.
If I stopped at good enough and then kept the path of least resistance lubricated and smooth, I may have locked in a VP or higher role. The root cause of my problem is that I thrive on change, I love troubleshooting, and implementing accountability systems. The status quo and those who are all in on maintaining it hate that.
What many leaders and long term employees do not realize is that they are the problem. They hate threats to their status and they hate competitors for their job and their boss's job. I am neither. I like what I do.
I have always taken the stance that part of my job is to select and develop my next boss. This is something that my parents raised us with. Leave it better than you found it and give your "kids" the foundation to go father than you did.
I very closely have duplicated my dad's career. I reached nearly identical levels and DW and I have accumulated nearly the same asset value for retirement. I have not done better than my parents, but I have done as well.
Things are stagnant and have been for approaching a year. This is when things seem to start shaking loose on my job search. Companies invest in what I do in economic downturns because it saves them crap tons of cost. But they hate that what I do comes at a cost.
Hopefully I get a call soon.
It’s unfortunate that somewhat normal people
Wind up with mental problems after SF life. Some how we need mental help after the SP life. And PTSD.