I'm very sorry about your DW's cousin. Cancer sucks. Prayers. *give_rose*

For your DW's cousin and for your DW.

Rags, I  wish I could answer your question but I have no answers. I've seen this behavior (minus the adultry) in my own bio family and in DH's kids. Lie, steal, mooch, and smile all the while doing it. My bio family's issues were drug addictions. DH's kids are just assholes.

This is the worst time of the year to deal with a family member's serious illness.  I really feel for your DW, I can tell she's a sensitive, caring person.

As you know, I deal with a dysfunctional family member like your DH's bff, SD60.  It has been jolting my whole life to realize that some folks have such different, destructive modes.  And, that's a typical move: call to express sympathy then shift into "me, me, me and my problems". 

Just bite your tongue and lend DW an ear.  I know you like to fix problems but these 2 can't be fixed.

I have several family members who have battled with different types of non Hodgkin's lymphoma and it sucks. Some I was very close to and one was a difficult unpleasant person that I had a lot of mixed feelings about. Either way Cancer is intensely emotionally draining for everyone. I'm very sorry for your wife. There's nothing really for her to feel bad about though. When I was struggling about my feelings towards a dying family member my dad was helpful, he told me "living, dead, or dying, a rose is a rose and an ass is an ass. Take care of the living and don't waste your guilt on the dead when they are gone." He's a straightforward man.... and a little blunt.

As to the BFF and her cheating partner - read up on chumplady.com - things are explained with a cupful of snark.

Narcs gotta do image management. The kids are going to love the parents no matter what. But they will have that divided loyalty always. Its not going to be much fun. Perhaps you can explain to your DW that cheating is emotional abuse, and she is participating in that abuse by standing strong by her friends side.

Chumplady.com explains how boundaries can be created and enforced - your DW should be shutting this person down when she starts complaining about the repercussions of her crappy actions. Walk away, cut off the conversation. Todays snark is a letter from a Twin whose sister is bragging about all her different lovers as she cheats on her husband. The letter writer eventually decided to tell the BIL. And many comments were made that supporting the cheater was harmful to the BiL. 

So - in my opinion, encouraging DW to not support cheating BFF would be the way to go.

Examples:

"Oh the ex wife is being horrible because she wants more money? Im thinking of making gluten-free muffins for Rags and myself tonight..."

"BFF, the children are hurting and they just want to love both of you, and Rags and I are decorating for the holidays, so gotta go, bye"

https://www.chumplady.com/2021/12/my-sister-is-cheating-on-my-brother-in...

Question - what makes this BFF someone your DW would want to associate with? Not judging, just curious.

Rags, this is a sticky situation as you support your sweet DW with her BFF and cousin.  Just like CLove states above, Narcs need to do image management. Dumping secrets/drama of infidelity on your DW is unacceptable and it's a shit*y thing to do to anyone. I can speak from my painful experiences of having to set boundaries and enforce said boundaries...not only with (now ex) friends but with myself. Having the awareness of not absorbing the drama that is being dumped on your DW might be helpful for her. When BFF calls, let it go to voicemail and DW can return BFF's call stating she has only 20 minutes to chat, and keep herself accountable to the 20 minutes. Set a timer or you can be there to be timekeeper and support. Maybe set aside time once a week, 20 minutes, to spend phone time with BFF, while steering through the landmines of the drama, changing the subject or recommending counseling to the BFF. Simply stating, 'I wish I could help you but I can't' or 'I don't know what to say' and then change subject. When the BFF comes up empty on someone to dump their crap onto, BFF will move on to another person to light up their smelly dumpster fires of these dysfunctional relationships. 

Are there any other connections to your DW's BioDad? I wonder if there are ways that your DW could support her cousin while cousin goes through treatment, if your DW wishes to help/support in some way? Support as in phone calls (depending on distance) or video calls, going to doctor appointments or treatments, or mailing helpful items while cousin goes through chemo, etc, I'm sure you or DW have researched Adult NHL survival rate and NHL being one cancer that can be treated with success. ExSD23 was diagnosed with stage 3, then stage 4 NHL, and was going through treatments during the last three months before I left ExDuhNarc (he had stage 4 prostate cancer for four years at that point). ExDuhNarc was pushing me into the role of nurse to not only him but the ungrateful DaughterWife so I was stuck with her during that short period. In what ways can your DW support her cousin through her journey in beating NHL? Guilt doesn't make anyone feel better and belongs in the courtroom. Your tender hearted DW might be grieving the loss of the relationship she wished she had with cousin.

I'm with you Rags in wondering how people can live their lives in adultery, screwing people out of money, being shocked when faced with the consequences of their stupidity, etc. 

Your DW does not deserve this drama. You are a good man for wanting to help her the best way possible. 

make them LOL! I get Botox in my forehead for migraines and it helps reducing my eyebrows from raising to the mental thought of 'WTF,?!' haha! 

So the NHL diagnosed cousin would be fortunate to even receive a card or phone call from DW for support. Be on the lookout for requests for money or the go fund me type requests to help pay medical bills for cousin or BFF that might be in on it too. The hospitals can arrange interest free payments and if they are uninsured, the hospital expects to provide care for uninsured/underinsured/indigent care. I was a hospital administrator for many years and I'm a finance nerd. I hope DW's guilt doesn't make her reach into her bank account if the situation arises.

Back in 2013 when my mother was dying of lung cancer and in and out of the hospitals/surgeries/procedures/wound care/etc, I told my two older brothers that the gravy train has stopped and they will no longer be getting handouts. I had mom's checkbook, she put me on this joint account to manage her finances for when that time came, and they both threw fits when they should have been helping care for or at least visiting their mother before she passed. As my beloved dad would say, 'expect the unexpected.'

Stay wonderful!

While hubby had been the only income earner as exwife refused to do her job properly (they worked at same company) and hubby was an emerging leader rising the ranks, her working at the company ruined any chance of promotions.

she in the last year of marriage before separation foresaw hubby was close to divorcing her and got together with her married ex highschool sweetheart having an affair unknownst to my husband at the time. 
 

she faked the poor innocent housewife abandoned by my husband while having an affair the whole time. Moment divorce finalised, got married days later to ex highschool sweetheart who left his wife. Wedding happened while my skids were in school, they come home and she tells them she got married and they have a new daddy- they didn't know bio mum was even dating

years later she foresees her mum is gonna die soon, convinces elderly mum to transfer all bank accts, property, assets to her name to solely manage. Mother dies not long after and after burying her, other siblings start trying to address her estate and find there is none, that bio mum stole everything.

bio mums siblings decided to see a witch dr to do black magic (not kidding), broke into the home my husband bought after divorce for skids to live in with their pos mum, put dead black cats, candles and knived (typical black magic crap), they saw sd's as collateral and the same as bio mum as they stupidly still had a relationship with her and saw sd's benefiting from money their mum stole.

even with all this stealing, bio mum plays the penniless woman, had eldest sd aged 23 contact my husband 5.5 yrs after disappearing and cutting off contact with some bullshit sob story that her marriage isn't on good terms and may end (like my husband is meant to give a crap), that my husband owes her a property and wants said property transferred solely in skids name so current husband can't claim anything if she dies from her mysterious non existent i'm about to die illness, while symphoning as much money covertly out of her current husbands acct.

karma has hit exwife bad. Whilst she was married to my husband, she abused and neglected him. When he finally divorced her, barely months later he rose up corporate ranks and his salary basically increased 10 fold, he then married me 5.5 yrs post divorce, has 2 young kids with me and bitter exwife is pissed that all those yrs she told people that my husband would never get married to another woman and die a lonely old man only to see him marry a much younger hotter educated woman and she's pissed.

people like her have spent their lives using their kids as manipulative pawns, my husbands exwife has tried using the 2 sd's aged 26 & 16 again to no avail. Its not working anymore. Even having eldest sd rant on non stop about bio mum like my husband is meant to care. Took my husband about 2 yrs before telling off his daughter that he never wants her to mention anything about her mum in his presence ever again. That he is happily married with 2 young kids, that me and our 2 kids are his concern and priority and not exwife, she is her husbands problem to deal with. Whether her marriage is on the rocks and she is thrown out on the street, its not my husbands problem and he won't waste a breath on her.

eldest sd sulked. She has sadly been so brainwashed that she is convinced bio mum is innocent and all the bad stuff coming her way is not karma

shit people exist all the time who have no care or concerns about the lives they destroyed but happy to hypocritically play innocent victims