What a douche nozzle. This guy doesn’t need to ever behave well as he got you wrapped around his little finger. He craps on you but you continue coming around and even pay for the outings. There is a huge power imbalance. He holds all the cards. If you still plan on staying with him I’d make sure you never have unprotected sex. He isn’t to be trusted. Even if he does testing, things like HIV could sit dormant for months and not show up on results. 

Gimmy and Lt Dad are both spot on. Especially that part about people worrying that you were DEAD. 

THAT IS A VERY LEGITIMATE CONCERN!!!

I KNOW what it's like to be alone on the holidays. I KNOW what it's like to end a relationship days before Christmas.I called my attorney the Saturday before Christmas and was signing divorce papers on Christmas Eve. 

Face it, sweetness. This man is sh!t. Pure and simple. If you opened a beautifully wrapped box and found a piece of sh!t inside, would you keep it? NO, YOU WOULD NOT.

Your H is exactly that: poop that came in pretty wrapping. 

I know it's the holidays, but it's ONE DAY. A few hours out of the rest of your life. Lovely girl, you are worth SO much more and deserve SO much more. Give yourself the gift of freedom. xoxoxo

This guy can't even keep his shit together for one nice evening out. The longer you stay at coworkers while continuing to "work through things," the angrier and less stable your H will become. You were suppose to come back home where he can control you and keep you tethered to his responsibilities (children). You were supposed to come back and take care of every single thing in his life so he has ample time to find another side piece. And it's your fault that he has to cheat because you don't screw like a maniac anymore after enduring his abuse for years. 

He hasn't done a single thing to work on his shit. He is still blaming you and accusing you of being the problem. He's a disgusting piece of trash, unworthy of any more of your time or devotion.

You deserve so much better, and someone who thinks the same.

He cheated exactly a year ago and he is still the same jerk a year later. You thought he’d change and be a good husband. He is just as bad as he always was. You don’t need another year to find that out 

 I had a friend who married a total loser, he was divorced two kids and the ex was a drug addict so he got custody.  They fought all the time but to her it was okay because it was just "passionate"  He started cheating on her as well, but she was okay with it because he always came home to her.

When they got married she tried to hide it from me because she knew how I felt about the loser.  In the end I attended their thrown together wedding and wished her the best of luck.  Two weeks later he beat her so bad she was in the hospital.  She has lupus and fibroymyalgia and takes medications for these.  She found he was stealing her pain pills and selling them, so he beat her because she got "upset" about it.  

She got the marriage annulled and moved into a place he didn't know about and couldn't find her.  She was actually starting to do really well.  Working fulltime, feeling better, being more present for her kids.  I drove by one night and guess whose car was at her new place....the loser douche.  

It took her three years to wean herself off of him, three years of him still cheating, beating her, and basically tearing her whole life apart.  Sadly the friendship didn't last because I couldn't sit around and watch her slowly kill herself anymore.

I think you have some great friends on your side, but eventually they will get tired of watching you kill yourself slowly as well.  Be thankful right now they still care enough to worry you are dead in a ditch somewhere.

PA if you're going to choose to go out on these "dates" with your H you really should let your coworker/roommate know your whereabouts. That's the very least you can do and if not him, SOMEONE needs to know where you are. You don't know what your H is capable of and I'd hate for you to be another episode on Dateline who's jealous H flips out and takes wifes life. I don't blame your coworker feeling upset. I can't imagine what went through his mind when he called you 20 times with no answer. 

You still fear your H, which explains you hiding your phone and not wanting to upset him. You both are a very long way from fixing this marriage. Why did you agree to go to the movies with him and his daughter? He's still not worthy of your time? 

With the actions that he displayed this past weekend? Where are you mentally and emotionally with all this?

Are you still paying  rent or mortgage on the house you lived in? Are you on a lease there or deed? DH will screw you over  one way or the other so it’s better to cut it off now. He is likely after your income one way of the other. The fact that you are paying for his outings and he accepts it is telling. Also I wonder if he waits for you to initiate divorce to gain something out of it, that’s why he keeps asking if you are ending it even though he knows, it’s already over. He is plotting 

When I read this, my heart actually hurt for you because I know exactly that feeling of walking on eggshells all the time. It’s taken me 6 months of therapy to see that someone making you feel like you have to bend to their will 24/7 or you’ll be punished (in whatever way), that is abusive. I cannot tell you how big a relief it is to not live like that any more. I’m still sad about my marriage, but I feel more like ME than ever because I’m not second guessing everything I do, constantly worrying that he’s going to be “upset” with me, spending every moment trying to make him happy. I didn’t realize how much that was draining out of me until I got away from it.

Please, rip off the band aid and be done with it. It’s okay to grieve the life you thought you would have. But now is the time to stand up for yourself. And heed the warnings above, please. It does sound like he’s on the verge of completely losing control and I am concerned for your physical safety. 

I agree, spend Christmas days w/the pups at a new park and a nice hike...get some takeout.  Enjoy the peace and silence.

Listen, when I left my abusive narc exh- I had to pack up my two kids late at night (I had a girlfriend with me) on the 22nd of Dec.  I spend the next day/two at the domestic violence center making my reports and at her house.  On Christmas Eve he got served a temporary protection order and removed from my house. I came back late that Christmas Eve once he was gone.  My parents were staying downstairs.  We put a chair w/several glass items by the door in case he tried to come in.  I spent CHristmas in peace.  It was quite devastating to us all.

IMO I gave him the best Christmas present ever...get the *uck out of here!!  lol

I don't have any words of wisdom beyond what the others have said, but I sure hope you find the strength to let this abusive man go and get on with life. Take your bonus and file for divorce. Then move back home, or wherever else you have a support system.

And I want to add, "I was disappointed that you didn't fight for me" was what BM said to DH after SHE had an affair and he didn't react how she hoped. She wanted to play the "pick me" dance and DH didn't do it.

I don't know how many more red flags you need, but no matter how much you want it, this man can't be who you wish he was.  You deserve so much more.

If he wanted to be a better husband after the affair he’d be a better husband by now. Affair happened a year ago. Why is he so nasty a year later? And why are you fighting for this marriage while he does nothing? You shouldn’t fight for it. You weren’t the one messing it up 

Whut?? PAI, I stopped reading after the first paragraph. 

A date. With a psychotic cheater. And you paid for it??????????

Young lady I know some half-ass guys who are 3,4 steps UP from this turd you married. Stop selling yourself short. You are BETTER than this clusterfuck of a shitshow. Why you staying? 

PA, you posted something on another blog yesterday that stuck with me.

Soooo I took H back after cheating... I could NEVER forgive him for cheating with BM. Ever. I'd NEVER trust him again, period.

Take out BM and seriously consider this.

I could NEVER forgive him for cheating. Ever. I'd NEVER trust him again, period.

There should not be any difference between him cheating with BM and him cheating with Miss Shopping-for-engagement-rings. And YOU KNOW THAT.

I honestly believe you're clinging to the shreds of this marriage for the wrong reasons. There is no shame in divorce. Not when you married a lie. And that's what he is - A Lie. What he presented himself as is not his true character. His true character is the jealous, manic, uber-possessive, over-controlling narc you see now.