Counseling Sessions and Acceptance

I know first off you're all going to think I'm crazy. H asked for Counseling, I'm 200% FOR counseling, do I think it will save our marriage? Probs not TBH, even less so after the effects counseling had yesterday. BUT, I figure it can do some good, in my eyes it already has.

Some highlights from counseling:

H actually gave her the scenario, was more honest about some things than I expected, did try to leave out a few things (which I so helpfully chimed in). I filled in a few holes, we moved forward
H tried to tell me that he was more lonely and struggling to hold on becuase "at least when he cheated, he was home sometimes, I NEVER come home." (I mean fact, but why would/should I?)
He was told that he needs to stop being controlling, obsessive, and make an attempt at acutally communicating
She said that he is projecting his own infidelity and feelings onto me, hence the need for control of everything
He was told he cannot limit me on friendships, or give ultimatums, as that is not healthy.
I was told I need to use the word "I" more and stand up for myself more.
He was also told that if he uses the word divorce, we're done, or split-up, he better mean them
Told me not to come home until I AM ready and feel safe about it. But not to give in to the pressure she knows he's applying.

How he responded:

Tried to tell me what I'm not allowed to wear to the gym
Told me he was "on the edge of ending it all"
That I was mean.
Spent the evening lecturing me (over phone, I'm not coming back), and basically ignoring everything she said
Tried to tell me he was packing up all my stuff (I said okay... I mean... Gonna save me some time from the looks of things)
Tried to give me an ultimatum and get me to commit to a SPECIFIC date to be home

Things I have accepted:

This relationship has been abusive. Not physically, but definitley emotionally and mentally, it shows pretty well all the tell tale signs. And I've accepted that.
We probably won't work out period. Especially because it would seem he got nothing form counseling and wants to continue to be a jacka$$.
I need to speak up for myself.

Good things that came out of this:

I'm accepted that I was definitley a victim
I'm working on speaking up for myself and using the word "I" more.
Someone besides me told H he's a d-bag.

Thus begins the s***-show known as marriage counseling. For what is pretty guranteed a dead marriage anyways.

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The good thing about this sh

The good thing about this sh*t show is that you are getting validation and he is showing his true colors. Especially with all of his bullsh!te AFTER the counseling - to which he paid no facking heed. Asshat.

YOU got this, sweetness. Stand up, PA! We're here to support you. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

True, I'm definitley getting

True, I'm definitley getting validation. And it's nice that the counselor has a smart enough head too. I think even when/if marriage counseling dies out, I'll probs keep seeing her on my own for a while.

GOOD!

GOOD!

Personally, I think he only

Personally, I think he only asked for counseling as a manipulative tactic. "Look at me, I'm ready to work towards change, to save this marriage. Come home."

Had you not agreed to do it, he would put all of the blame on you. So, I guess it's good that you went, I don't think it will do much good to continue going for too long (as a couple).

You definitely know who he really is.

he only asked for counseling

he only asked for counseling as a manipulative tactic

DingDingDingDingDing!!!

But we all know he will blame her anyway. 'Though his cheating was the catalyst for his tripolar circus antics.

Yes, he will blame her but

Yes, he will blame her but she knows different.

^ The therapist also seems to

^ The therapist also seems to be keen on helping me work thorugh my own issues. So far so good!

Damn straight!!!

I mena I agree with a huge

I mena I agree with a huge chunk of that. But I went, so no blame on me!

Idk how long it'll go as couple's counseling. But she's smart, so I'll probably keep going for a while at the very least!

Hon, she is so insightful.

She is so insightful. When couples counseling ends, I hope you'll keep going for YOU. xo

How funny. STBX just can't

How funny. STBX just can't help himself, can he? I hope he's the one footing the bill for counseling.

OP, I hope you're getting some useful stuff out of these sessions, but agree that you shouldn't invest too much time in this. You know it's over, but he's desperate to keep you as his pseudo momma/personal assistant. Perhaps you can use the sessions to negotiate tying up the loose ends? Then keep the therapist and toss the man child.

Thankfully insurance is

Thankfully insurance is covering most of counseling, so it's only been $18. Which is AWESOME.

Oh, and I love this: H tried

Oh, and I love this: H tried to tell me that he was more lonely and struggling to hold on becuase "at least when he cheated, he was home sometimes, I NEVER come home."

Anybody who says, "At least when I....." is not taking any responsibility for anything, they are just turning it around on the other person.

I mean, someone who feels remorse and sincerely wants the marriage to work, does not say, "At least when I cheated..." as if anything on the end of that sentence can justify the behavior.

I am flabbergasted that he said that in front of a marriage counselor.

ETA: That is up there for the "quote of the week" on the other blog.

LMAO. She looked at him like

LMAO. She looked at him like she was wondering if something was knocked loose in his skull tbh.

I would stop speaking to him

I would stop speaking to him outside of the therapist's office. He's obviously not taking it seriously and will attempt to manipulate/berrate you into coming back without ever truly acknowledging What he's done. What a dirtbag. You deserve so much better. <3

stop speaking to him outside

stop speaking to him outside of the therapist's office

I agree with this wholeheartedly, beebeel.

PA, IMO, he's going to therapy to say "Look at me! Look at the sacrifice I'm making!! Look at what I'm doing for YOU!!!"

Except he's NOT. He's NOT doing what the therapist told him to do and continues to harass and berate and belittle you. Gaaaaaaaah.... I want to make a road trip and Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch him until he's singing soprano like an opera diva.

Thanks beebeel! It's probably

Thanks beebeel! It's probably the smart thing to do! At least until our next session!!!

PA~ I hope you get much

PA~ I hope you get much healing from these therapy sessions and I think it's a great idea for you to also do it individually. I'm assuming you are trying to give it one last try to see if the marriage can be saved and hope if you haven't already....that you receive all the answers you are looking for.

It's one last go, but with

It's one last go, but with VERY LOW hopes.

Sweetie, there IS hope. Hope

Sweetie, there IS hope. Hope that YOU are getting what you need to:

finally see him for who/how he truly is
realize that YOU did everything you could to TRY
know that YOU are important and deserve a voice in what should be a PARTNERSHIP.

Or very high hopes of being

Or very high hopes of being done and free of that jerk.

Oh boy. If you needed to be

Oh boy. If you needed to be sure he's not going to change, at least you know now.

I mean, that's a lot of what

I mean, that's a lot of what I was feeling... That and frustration... And also... "why go to counseling if you're going to be a jerk????"

Ugh, PAI, you're living my

Ugh, PAI, you're living my divorce, and I hate that for you.

My XH, after asking him for counseling and change, only agreed to it AFTER I left. AFTER he had been an arse to me, showing up at my new place, calling me in the middle of the night alternating between calling me names and telling me he loved me.

I declined counseling, but he decided to throw up the same sort of diatribe that your H is throwing about. Different words and topics, but meant to have the same effect. I wholeheartedly believe that he thought id he got me in to counseling that the counselor would tell me how I should take him back.

Your H was expecting the same. He was expecting someone to tell YOU how wonderful he is and how forgiving he is, etc. He doesn't actually want help (if he did, he would have been seeing a counselor as soon as he came clean about cheating). He just wants help in bullying you back. When that didn't work, he just went right back to doing it himself.

I'd bet money he won't go back, especially if you tell the counselor before the appointment what he did. The tactic didn't work, so he's going to come up with something else - OR, he is going to file the paperwork first so that he can be the "victim" who had to escape the "heartless wife who was cold to him, and probably cheated out of retaliation".

Go to counseling for YOU. He doesn't want it to do better; it's a tool for him to be - well, a tool.

^^All of this, PA.

Lt Dad, we both know he will proclaim loudly to the world that HE is the victim and fabricate a bunch of BS as what PA did "wrong' to thrust himself into a sympathetic light.

I am going for me Regardless

I am going for me Regardless of outcome, I've honestly needed one for a while now!!

I'm sorry you went through this mess... I has been FAR less than fun!!!

If he files first... It means he pays for it... Sooooo.....

LtD makes a good point (as usual)

You need to file first. Get it done. If he "truly" wants to work things out, there will still be time while the process proceeds.

Excellent point, Exjulie. I

Excellent point, Exjulie. I confess that I actually sat on my divorce papers for almost 3 months. One day, I realized that I simply could not stand to be married to that monster for one more minute. So I told my boss I needed to leave early (before the lawyer's office closed) and arrived 5 minutes before they locked up for the night. A YUGE weight was lifted off of me!

You just know don't you when

You just know don't you when enough really is enough

When my DH and BM had

When my DH and BM had separated, they went to counseling. After several sessions, the counselor told DH - "divorce will be good for you, because she's abusive." DH didn't believe the counselor because he thought men couldn't be abused. Shortly after that BM stopped going and referred to the counselor as "your personal divorce coach" forever after. Meanwhile, BM had only filed for divorce because she had met someone else, so it's not as if she was trying to "save their marriage."

DH kept seeing that same counselor for nearly a year after BM stopped going and I think it really helped him. Granted it took him a while to actually believe what she was saying, but when I pointed out the same things to him about BM, they seemed to sink in more quickly because he had already heard them once before.

In my view, if someone is an abuser, they will not change unless they really work hard to change, which would involve a lot of self-reflection. For my DH, BM saw and continues to see everything as his fault. She is blameless, in her mind. Therefore, their marriage was never going to recover once he stopped blaming himself. She still tries to blame him (again, totally ignoring the fact that she met her current DH months before she filed for divorce from my DH), because that's part of her abuse cycle. She needs to absolve herself of blame, even if it means taking everyone around her down with her.

Best of luck to you. It sounds like things are already looking up.