What do we do?
I am starting to lose all hope that it will get better. There was a special church service yesterday and my Dh wanted to go. My kids went to the church already with my in-laws. I was not feeling well. Puking, not even able to get out of bed. So Dh needed to take Ss with him to church. Ss has not gone to church for a good while now. I stay behind and watch him most Sundays. But yesterday I couldn't.
I am waiting to lock the door and I see my Dh dragging Ss out by his arm. Ss is fighting him the whole way. And right when they are at the door, Ss bites Dh's hand. This is the first very aggressive act Ss has shown on Dh. Before Dh has gotten hurt when Ss flails around but this time Ss knew what he was doing. My Dh tells out and yanks his hand away. Then, out of pure frustration, he pushes Ss. And it wasn't a regular push. It was a full-force push that knocked Ss into a wall and onto the floor. My Dh towers over Ss, who is a very skinny child. I was too weak to even react. I was horrified.
My Dh looked even more shocked than me. He went to help Ss up and Ss crawls away looking scared out of his mind. I tell my Dh to get out and I stayed in Ss's room. He was crying and rubbing his side where he got hurt. I ended up falling asleep on his chair (which was horrible of me to do. He was unsupervised for 45 mins. Luckily my Dh texted me several times asking how Ss was and it woke me up).
I was in bed all morning today. My Dh and I had a long talk. He says he is scared that his frustration is going to make him hurt Ss worse next time. It broke my heart. He talked to Ss. Trying to explain he shouldn't have pushed him, but Ss should not have bitten him either. No response from Ss. He brought up the topic of letting Ss live somewhere where he would get better help. Apparently this where Ss speaks for the first time in days. He said that if we send him away again, he swears we will only bring his dead body back. Knowing Ss, he is fully capable of keeping his word.
It's like we are being held hostage. By the threat of losing our child. What are we supposed to do? My kids are with my in-laws for the weekend because I am so sick. I am so glad. I can't handle dealing with my kids and all this right now.
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i'm unfamiliar with the
i'm unfamiliar with the background to this situation, but my immediate response is that DH and SS need counseling, probably together as well as apart.
i feel bad for your husband. no, he shouldn't have pushed SS, especially so hard. however, people do some very surprising things when they are shocked, especially when they are also in pain.
what is going on with your SS? does he have a specific psychiatric issue? i don't understand why he would feel comfortable biting his father and then acting confused about it afterward.
honestly--and this is without knowing the background--i would start a discipline crack down on this kid. he shoudln't be biting. he shouldn't be flailing around. he shouldn't be physically fighting with anyone, especially authority figures. he is not going to learn that these behaviors are problematic until there are serious and immediate consequences.
again, i don't know the background though. i could be totally wrong.
i am really sorry you're going through this.
praying -- i just went back
praying -- i just went back and read your first blog. without reading any more, all i can say is that i am SO INCREDIBLY SORRY for everything you and your family are going through.
with that said, i'm going stand by my suggestion. discipline crack down. you'd need to talk to the therapist of course. but through my experience with my stepsons, they hate being disciplined but they feel more secure when we take the time to be firm and to follow through with punishments. so, while it pisses them off, on a deeper level they recognize that attention and that energy as an investment in their lives.
i also stand by what i said about your husband. he was shocked and in pain. he was stressed and probably already angry and frustrated. it's horrible that it happened, but it does not make him a bad father or an abusive parent.
my other suggestion it extremely radical. if either you or your husband has the time, take that kid out of school and start homeschooling him. he'll hate it, but the stability and continuity could do alot of good, especially because he came from such a chaotic home life with BM. the first 6 months will be hell. but i think you will end up with a different kid at the end of the year.
We are going to homeschool
We are going to homeschool him now. Starting Monday. Its an online school and we are hiring a babysitter. The bullying went too far the last couple of days so we took him out.
As for the discipline. We are helpless. He will just lie in his bed all day if he could. Its like a self-imposed punishment. The one thing he does like is reading. And we feel terrible threatening to take away the one thing that brings him some sort of happiness.
We have tried yelling, trying to guilt him. Nothing works. The therapist does not want us to send him to an inpatient place. But we are really running out of options.
What if its not a bluff? We
What if its not a bluff? We couldn't live with ourselves. What if he does improve by staying with us?
They have all said he needs a
They have all said he needs a good family structure. Or he will just isolate himself further and further. And for the first few years, there was a huge improvement. Everything went to the dirt the moment we sent him to the therapeutic school. All because my my son's stupid, dangerous lie.
are the counselors helping
are the counselors helping you cope too?
My Dh and I see different
My Dh and I see different therapists yes. It has helped a bit.
i'm getting very frustrated
i'm getting very frustrated with your SS. he is leaving you all no choice. it's like he is the only person in this family that matters. well boo hoo, he has to go to church one day because you are sick???
he bites his dad and then dad pushes him down and his whole world is shattered.
he is imprisoning himself and everybody else in his family.
i have no help for this. what do the counselors say about this very controlling manipulative behavior?
it's been 3.5 years, he is going to have to start moving in a direction that leads to healing. he is going to have to start caring about other people too.
Me too asheeha (getting
Me too asheeha (getting frustrated with SS), I almost didn't even post.
praying, your DH needs to sit him down and tell him that if you agree to keep him at home and not send him to get him more help, then he HAS to do his part and step up and STOP some of this behavior. This is so unfair to the rest of the kids in the house, and you and DH. I know your SS has been through hell, but now he's making everyone else's life hell. He has full control here, and he needs to do something. If you guys can't help him then you have to find someone who can.
SS had no choice about what happened to him, but he does have some control now. He can make his own choices and he is choosing his current behavior.
i like what forestfairy
i like what forestfairy suggests blue it offers him some hope of taking responsibility for who he becomes. don't let those evil cretonne define who he is! he's so much more if he would try...really try. but it seems like even the idea is too much effort.
that's why you'd have to consult the professionals first.
I think he is in control of
I think he is in control of threatening suicide all the time and I think he is in control of refusing to speak when spoken to. I think he is in control of laying in bed all day long, and not even attempting to get up. I know he doesn't WANT to get up, but sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. I think he was in control of biting his father because he didn't want to go to church.
I DON'T think he's in control of his feelings, but his behavior? Yes, he has some control over. Having horrible things happen to you does not give you a free pass to behave however you want. I work in mental health and I work with some people who have had unspeakable things happen to them in their lives, yet there are still expectations that they will behave in certain ways.
The kid is obviously severely damaged, but what in the heck are they supposed to do? They can't just allow him to wither away in bed not speaking or eating. He doesn't want to do anything. He refuses to even try. If they can't do anything to help him, then they have to find someone who can, that's all there is to it. I think the kid needs to make SOME sort of effort if he doesn't want inpatient treatment.
We have had conversations on
We have had conversations on making choices for himself until we have gone blue in the face. He refuses to listen. We have, for the most part, successfully kept my kids separate from him. They have healthy, well-adjusted lives. Its like two different families.
Ss has been crippled emotionally. There were times when he was 13 that he would suddenly want very physical affection from my Dh. After months of not wanting to be touched, he would cuddle and give my Dh pecks on the lips. The therapists always said it was a good sign and my Dh needed to show him appropriate affection. Of course, that has not happened again.
He swings from 8 to 30 years old. A lot of emotional development that kids experience was lost for Ss. And his self-esteem is in the gutter. He is such a handsome boy. Movie star looks. But he can't even look at himself in the mirror. I just want to cry.
He told us he doesn't believe in God. Fine we accept that. He called God an asshole. My Dh put a brave face throughout. He told us he was gay (which he is still very confused about). We accepted that too. We always let him know we love him. What more can we do? It was just one night in the church. He hates it but it was just one night.
And we take his threat of suicide very seriously. He has not explicitly said he would kill himself like he did this morning. He has tried to kill himself before. So we know its not a fake threat.
He does behave in public (which we are thankful for). He normally will just let us herd him like a zombie to wherever we want to go. But we had no idea the church was such a issue with him.
He will just wither in his bed like ForestFairy said, if we let him. He has given up. He even said those exact words. How can anyone help him?
i have no idea what more you
i have no idea what more you can do for him. he, at some point, is going to have to WANT to try to live his life and care about other people.
you are NOT at fault and you must do all that you can and if it's not enough you have to give yourself grace to say, i love you son, but i can't help you. i want you to LIVE and i will do ANYTHING for that to happen. i have no other choice, YOU are giving me no other option. you are not living and THRIVING here and i have no other option. because letting you waste away is NOT an option i'm willing to take.
you believe in God, i pray that peace fills your heart when and if the time comes for you to send ss to a place that may be able to help him.
xo
What do are supposed to do?
What do are supposed to do? The therapist does not recommend in-patient care. We have made every tool he could possibly use to help himself available. But he won't take it.
There is a place 6 hours
There is a place 6 hours drive from here. They deal with this. It's around 60k a year. But luckily we can afford it. Its a last resort. All the therapists we have seen say sending him away is not the solution. That it will make it worse. So if we send him against the professional's opinions, and something goes wrong, we have no one but ourselves to blame. My marriage will definitely end from that pressure.
I could use a hug right now. If only I weren't so germy.
We live in a not so great
We live in a not so great town. Its great for sub-urban living but not so much for mental help (regarding sexual abuse). There are no support groups for sexual abuse victims or their parents unless we drive 3 hours out.
We are trusting what the therapist is saying right now. He is one of the few with some experience with child abuse. And frankly, we have no other choice than to go to him. And I can't even look around for someone local to share my problems with. Ss has forbidden us from even telling our family about the abuse. Thats why I came on this site. Having it bottled up was driving me insane.
could you move praying? could
could you move praying? could you move to a place that might offer him more support?
My Dh owns a company here. It
My Dh owns a company here. It employs hundreds of employees. And I work for a large construction company here as well. We cant move
then this is where God wants
then this is where God wants you and this is the right place for you. know that if you know nothing else!
So what does this boy want?
So what does this boy want? Has anyone asked him what he actually wants tomorrow/ next week/ next year/ 5 years time?
See right now the entire family revolves around him and his shattered life. Also he is a teen and all THOSE hormones. Anytime he thinks about sex he gets flashbacks or deems himself a victim all over again. Just guessing.
He wants to go to school where he is bullied. He doesn't want to be homeschooled. Yet he says you both want to lock him up and hide him from people because oyu are ashamed of him. Yet it is your fault the boys at school got suspended. Hey, in the Real World they would be locked up for a long time!So really, whatever you do he will find fault with it.
However, something needs to happen. I would lay it on the line with the boy. Either he starts making baby steps over the next 5 yrs to get ahead of this or he is unable to be helped any longer at home. Yes, he can threaten until the cows come home but there is such a thing as suicide watch.
He also needs to recognise he hurt his father and his father hurt him. Sure his father was wrong but biting his father was so dangerous and out of line. Human saliva is teeming with bacteria and often causes horrible infections that result in loss of body parts. People worry about dog bites and human bites are worse, way worse.
And so you fell asleep. Don't knock yourself too much. Your life is terrible right now and your brain will shut down to get some rest.
i know i want to know the
i know i want to know the SAME thing. what does this kid want? but he won't talk to them or communicate with them. i wonder if the counselor can get it out of him!
maybe a goal might give him something to live for.
that's really insightful about the sexuality connection. i imagine his fantasies are more like nightmares.
I really believe sending kids
I really believe sending kids like this to treatment program is the only option. We aren't equipped to deal with them and the daddy guilt and other emotions gets in the way of properly caring for them and getting them the help they need.
My SD was abused by her BM's boyfriend and that fact just blinds my DH to never hold her accountable for her actions and let her get away with anything. He didn't want to send her to therapeutic boarding school because of her threats. And he lets her do whatever she wants and disrespect him because of what he's afraid she'll do and because he feels so bad about what happened. But that's not healthy for anyone and not helping her improve.
You reach a point where you realize this isn't working, it's harming the other children in the home and that there are professional trained to deal with it.
My heart goes out to you. I
My heart goes out to you. I just can imagine how physically and emotionally draining this is to you. I wish I were ther to give you a big ole hug. I hereby nominate you for sainthood.
i second that! it's
i second that!
it's official...you're a saint!
Big hugs to you and the whole
Big hugs to you and the whole family.
I would like more information on what the therapists EXPECT to happen while he is in your home? You've mentioned that they say he needs a structured family. But what exactly, is the family expected to do?
From what you've written - you and your DH have done everything you can - right? Yet the boy is still a zombie or angry and abusive.
I think I might be looking for second/third opinions - even if it means making the long drive to get to some specialists. This boy is beyond the reach of a therapist that (in your own words) "has some experience with child abuse". There are therapists that HAVE experience. It is time to find him one.
Again - hugs to you, as I know you truly are trying everything and you do care about this boy. (despite his every effort to push you away)