Responsibility and Authority
We've all see it.
Whenever there is a discussion on bio kids vs step kids there are some who are adamant that we, as stepmothers, must treat all the kids the same. For example a current blog discusses the topic of who should have to share a room, bios or steps. There have been similar topics in the past, who gets to go on vacation, who gets extra-curricular activities, who gets more new clothing, how much to spend on each for Christmas, etc. Some people are really militant that the stepchildren MUST be treated by the stepmother EXACTLY the same (or sometimes even given preferential treatment) as if they were her own.
I happen to agree with this 100%. When it comes to all those things I make no distinction between my bio children and my stepchildren. They are all treated fairly.
The problem is, these very same people who get all judgmental if there is even a hint that bio children may be favoured in any way and start getting all preachy and self-righteous about it will also preach in the next breath that the stepmother must stay out of discipline issues or refrain from having an input on decisions when it comes to the stepchildren. The usual argument is 'Dad needs to take care of that. You need to stay out of it.' or 'That is for the parents to deal with. You have to take a step back.'
Sorry, that doesn't fly with me. If I am responsible for these kids when it comes to preparing food they like, hauling them around to activities or school, buying their clothing, washing their clothes, giving up my sewing room and my office so they can each have rooms of their own, etc then I must also have the authority to make and enforce my own rules. I will also have an equal voice when it comes to ANY decision regarding these kids that is going to have an affect on my life and my time.
My SO is totally on board with that. He wouldn't dream of making access arrangements with BM without consulting me. He would never agree to take them to any activity without clearing it with me first. I am a full partner in all decisions he makes with BM about those kids and I have the deciding vote on things that happen in our home and I couldn't care less how BM feels about it. Anything less would be a total deal breaker for me.
You can be damned sure that if I had to take a step back and had no voice on discipline or rules there is NO WAY IN HELL I'd arrange holidays with those kids, decorate rooms for them, buy them clothes, or go out of my way to make sure they had things they wanted.
I don't think the two can be separated. With responsibility one must also have authority. If you take away one you also lose the other. They are a package deal.
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Comments
You rock, Poison Apples!!!
You rock, Poison Apples!!! Love your post.
Thanks! I really don't
Thanks!
I really don't understand the attitude that a stepmother should do all the dirty work and give up things for her skids because 'she knew he had kids when she got together with him' yet she is supposed to accept not having a voice in her own home.
I suppose what I'm saying is
I suppose what I'm saying is that if the stepmother cannot be given authority along with responsibility then disengagement is the only option.
Luckily it is not an issue for me. My SO acknowledges my right to have authority in my home.
I think disengagement would be awful. I can certainly see how one would get to that point though and how it could be the lesser of 2 evils. There were times I considered it but SO came through in the end and I didn't have to.
My SO is the same,
My SO is the same, PosionApples. He expects me to take care of the kids and look after them, and provide for them. In my opinion, and thankfully in his, that gives me the right to respect and authority in my own home.
I think we are the lucky
I think we are the lucky ones. It seems that a lot of the women on here have partners who never cop on.
Maybe we are different
Maybe we are different because my steps are teenagers. I cook and clean(I'd have to do that for mine anyway)but I don't discipline my step daughters. My dh and I discussed what we wanted in terms of behaviour and consequences when we first decided to live together. Then we sat down with our kids and made the rules clear. If sd steps out of line, dh takes care of it, I don't have to. And vice versa. It's OUR rules, not MY rules. It's OUR consequences not MY consequences. We both have the authority but we deal with our own children – applying equal standards.
We consult each other before we make any family arrangements as we both recognise that OUR time and OUR money may be impacted. But I don't have any vote in terms of things like where his kids go to school or what activities they do - those decisions are between dh and bm. (I have a voice as in he may ask my opinion but I don't get a vote). I also don't get involved - if they move her to a school that is inconvenient, don't ask or expect me to pick her up! If it costs a bunch of money, don’t ask me to pay – I’m paying for my own kids!
It works for us.
yeah, it gets old. Did you
yeah, it gets old.
Did you see what happened to your blog from yesterday before it got deleted or did you delete it yourself?
I didn't see you around once the 'why would he buy the cow....' crap started.
Woah, the ONLY comment I made
Woah, the ONLY comment I made on that entire mess of a blog was when you told BlendedFam is was time for her to turn into me or whatever and I said here I am. Please don't throw my name around like that. I was busy working yesterday and by the time I tried to pick my way through that blog you couldn't even begin to follow it.
If you actually read anything I wrote, I commented on the 2nd blog and said NOTHING to the effect of someone having to be married to be a stepmom. In fact, I said just the opposite. Please get your facts straight.
I don't care what they
I don't care what they 'like'.
Contrary to what they believe, they don't get to decide for all of us.
"You can be damned sure that
"You can be damned sure that if I had to take a step back and had no voice on discipline or rules there is NO WAY IN HELL I'd arrange holidays with those kids, decorate rooms for them, buy them clothes, or go out of my way to make sure they had things they wanted.
I don't think the two can be separated. With responsibility one must also have authority. If you take away one you also lose the other. They are a package deal."
I agree with this 5000000000%
Ditto!
Ditto!
I like to take that famous
I like to take that famous Spiderman quote and flip it…
“With NO power comes NO responsibility!”
DH and I laughingly use that one when Mother Russia blows up on us over something she thought we should have done (and tried to do!) but she wouldn’t let us and then she went and f-ed up on her own.