Making the Case for 50/50 Access
One of the things that came out of court yesterday was an agreement to enter family counseling and that the counselor would make a recommendation on access going forward.
We have EOW Fri-Sun, Every second Christmas, 1st 2 weeks of July and 1st 2 weeks of August.
BM is trying to get it reduced because she claims 'the girls' (god how I hate that term) are unhappy. They aren't, they are very happy with us except when BM calls to whine about how lonely she is without them. Anyway she found an anonymous post on a talk board - not steptalk - where a woman was saying that her boyfriend was a violent alcoholic, that she had kicked him out of the house and several other things. The poster WASN'T me but BM says it is. That was her motivation for unilaterally stopping access 2.5 months ago, or so she claims.
Anyway, she's got a late June court date to vary access and apparently she wants it reduced to every second Saturday - no overnights - and with the agreement that any social events they are invited to or activities she plans take precedence.
We, on the other hand, want to go for 50/50 access. It doesn't happen often in this country so we'll have to break ground. The court will probably go with the recommendation of the counselor.
We have reams of documentation showing her campaign of PAS over the past 4 years. we've given her enough rope that she hung herself several times over but I'm not sure if it's enough.
One major problem will be schools. She lives about 30 miles from us and about 30 miles from where she works. She passes within 1 mile of our home to and from work each day. She sends the kids to a school which is another 10 miles the opposite direction from us and from her work and the babysitter she uses - who picks them up from school - is another 15 miles in the opposite direction. These miles are not nice highway miles, they are backed up, windy road miles. It's an hour drive to pick the kids up from school and get back to our house. So, it would be best for us if we had 50/50 if the kids changed schools and attended down here where we live. It would also be better for her since it would be on her way to and from work but she'd never admit that. Her babysitter is a sister of her friend so she'll fight tooth and nail to keep them there. Now if we have to do the hour to and from school drive each day we will but it would be much better if we didn't have to, plus our own child will be starting school in another year and it would be better if they all went to the same school.
How much of an obstacle is the changing of schools? Do the courts/counselors frown on that at all costs? BM thinks it would be too 'traumatic' for them. I say kids are resilient.
Does anyone have experience in this? I think BM will show herself to be the childish, selfish, control freak that she is to the counselor. I don't think we'll have to point this out. I also think if the counselor is half smart she'll see that BM is unable to cope with life.
I want to cover all the bases though. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Is there a reason that she
Is there a reason that she sent the children to that particular school in the first place since it is obviously inconvenient for her too?
And other than changing schools, what sort of shared caring are you proposing?
Holly, She sent them to this
Holly,
She sent them to this school because it's the one her friends/babysitter use. There is nothing special about the school. In fact it's overcrowded and doesn't have any claim to fame at all as far as grades/success stories.
We've written up a parenting plan based on 50/50 access alternating weeks Friday to Friday during school term and 2 weeks intervals during summer holidays. Each side pays for their own clothing, toys, other expenses. An account is created for medical/school/other expenses to which each parent contributes equally each month. Each parent can take out up to a certain amount for school expenses with receipts each year. Any other expenses paid out of the account must be agreed by both parties. Basically it would be for medical type things. Each party pays for their own extra-curricular activities, holidays, etc.
She will fight it. she's a complete control freak.
steperg, she is very emotionally unstable. She's always putting the burden for her emotional state on the children. It's appalling really. The PAS has been steadily increasing in intensity. So far she's stopped short of outright allegations of abuse but we've no doubt it's coming.
He had to fight to get even EOW access. She made him take it all the way to the Circuit court because she wouldn't accept the lower court's rulings and she's looked for excuses to stop it all along the way. She didn't find any so she invented some. It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't write that post she's using as her 'evidence' herself.
If the kids are established
If the kids are established and doing well in that school I can't see a judge wanting to change it just for the convenience of the adults.
Ok, if I'm honest, this is
Ok, if I'm honest, this is what I think. (And it is only my opinion, not based on legal experience). The counselor is likely only to see one side of her, BM will make every effort to come across very well. Even if it seems that the BM is struggling to cope with her life, I think that the recommendation is likely to be that assistance should be provided to the BM rather than change the access.
As a joint guardian, the BM has the right to say no to the new school unless the court orders a change. The BM is going to put up a very strong argument about the disruption of changing schools, the disruption of moving from one house to another every week, the fact that the children will miss out on their friends (if any) and social events etc. around BM's home. The bond with their childminder will be emphasised. There will undoubtedly be questions raised about the suitability of you, your home and your children's relationships with their children, the stability of your relationship, etc., etc... This might even be pushing her to the point where she now is desperate enough to actually accuse you/your dp of abusing the children.
At the end of it all, unless the counselor tells the judge that the mother is an unfit, drug taking, alcoholic physical abuser I wouldn't think that he/she will be willing to change the children's living situation so drastically. The likeliest scenario is that her request to reduce access is thrown out. But hopefully you might get additional access.
So: Do you get to see the counselor's report before the court date? Has your solictor seen the parenting plan and what was his/her reaction? Do you have a good barrister?
Thanks for your reply
Thanks for your reply Holly.
As a joint guardian, EITHER parent has the right to say no to a school yet the children's father has NEVER been consulted or even kept aware of ANYTHING to do with their education or health. the only info she shares with him is about parties they get invited to and how much more important that is to their 'development' than spending time with their father is. He asked and asked questions but she would never answer him. finally, he had to go to the school himself to find out how they are doing.
I am worried about the arguments about changing schools. I disagree with the arguments but I know they carry a lot of weight and as I said we are prepared to do the drive if we have to.
I guess the rest of it comes down to what is worse for the children - the 'stress' of changing the routine so they are with us more (btw, why wasn't the stress of changing their routine considered when she suddenly stopped access?) or letting this woman destroy their chances of having a normal relationship with their father? I'm sure there is a bond with the childminder but surely NO ONE (except for basket case BM) would think that bond is more important than a bond with the father is?
Sorry if I sound like I'm arguing with you. I'm not. I'm just trying to formulate the arguments in my head.
We know it's an uphill battle and the chances of success right away are very slim. We have to try though. If we don't, she'll have those kids hopelessly following a path to becoming nervous, selfish, immature, shallow drama queens who are unable to cope with the slightest disappointment or setback - just like she is.
I think your best argument
I think your best argument could be that the stability of the child's school doesn't have to change to accomodate a new custody schedule, so in your shoes, I wouldn't even ask for the school change. You might also counter mom's "disruption" arguments by requesting that the shift from eow to 50/50 happen gradually. Say for 2 months those weekends are three day weekends, then the next two months they are 4 day weekends....all the way until it's 50/50.
Remember- the judge only cares about the kid, not the parents (for the most part) So any way that you can show this is good for the kid or won't hurt the kid- then you must show that.
We'd be hoping to have it
We'd be hoping to have it effective starting in September. In July and August we already have them for 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off so then starting in September it would be one week on, one week off.
PoisonApples, I know that the
PoisonApples, I know that the reality is that most fathers get short shrift when the children live with the mother and it's worse when the parents don't get on. I have to hold my hand up and admit that I never gave my ex a choice of where to send the children to school, when he asked I told him that when he contributed his court ordered child support, I'd consult him on their school. I know you're all going to shout at me now but I was an angry person back then.
In terms of the school, I know most schools are not always on the ball about separated parents. But FWIW, I think you should encourage your dp to make an appointment to meet with the principal and go over the situation with him/her. He should bring a letter stating that he is a joint guardian and requires that the school copy him on any parent teacher notices, school calenders or any letter that is sent to the BM regarding the children. Also bring a good number of stamped, addressed envelopes and have them put those in each of the children's files. He can make separate appointments once or twice a year with each child's teacher to get updates. Don't ask the BM for any information at all. And also, do the same with the children's GP. No matter how the BM treats him, he has rights - he just might have to fight for them.
Agree with the other comments that your case *might* go better if you agree to leave them in their school. Does your dp have family around? - the better the support network, the more it helps your case.