Seeking reassurance I'm not a completely heartless step mum?
This is my 1st post- I didn't even know this site existed, so relieved I'm not the only one. Im 25 and i've been a stepmother to a 6 year old boy for the past 2 years, me and my boyfriend have him full time and he goes to his mums every other weekend as the courts have ruled it unsafe for him to be with her more as she is unreliable. I feel so selfish as I know it is safer for him to be with us and I worry about him when he's round there, but there are times I don't want to be at home or with him, he idolises his mum which is hard as I do so much for him and I know what a bad person she is,where he thinks she's an amazing person and blames us for keeping him from her. I also live in my boyfriends house which used to be their house together, so SS remembers her living here and constantly reminds me of it. I can't wait to get our own house but I'm studying so it won't be for a few years yet.
We are getting married next year, and I know everyone wants me to be a step mum/parental figure which I don't think I can do, I have no maternal instinct or bond with him, I'm more like a fun babysitter!
I know I am in the relationship because my bf is the most amazing man I've ever met, and I feel so selfish, guilty for wanting to spend more than 4 days a month together, no one understands how I feel and thinks I should have known what I was getting into, but I (being naive) didn't realise having full custody would be so hard,and it was 1/2 and 1/2 when we 1st met.
I think I just need reassurance that I'm not a horrible, nasty, evil person for wanting to have some more time on our own, and my life not to constantly revolve around someone else's child? And that there might be someone else out there in a similar situation?
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Comments
You are completely normal!
You are completely normal! So many of us find ourselves in the exact same position. I actualy don't even like my SD. It took me a long time to admit that and be ok with it. Read Stepmonster if you haven't already. It's really helpful. Don't beat yourself up!
Why not get a sitter & try
Why not get a sitter & try date night with your FDH once a week, or so. It truly does help. You have to make time together a priority.
Ha thankyou both, I haven't
Ha thankyou both, I haven't read stepmonster-I will definitely have a look!
There are definitely lots if levels of crazy..I didn't know any of them until 2 years ago! But I feel so much better knowing that there are others like me, I think I was expecting to wake up one day and us be the perfect family, I now know that will never happen and I have to find ways to deal with it, without becoming bitter or resentful! Eeek
I don't like my SD either and
I don't like my SD either and I wish she never came to our house. She's only there 4 days a month. I'm sure she's a bit more of a handful then most however. I can't imagine living in the same house they lived in together that would be difficult for you and the kid. Just make sure that you're not the one that he gets handed off to all the time. Don't let you BF pretend that you are his mom. My husband does this quite often and it pisses me off to say the least. He's not your kid, your BF should be doing most of the parenting and figuring out where he needs to go while you are at work or studying, etc. I'm not saying that this is happening but don't let it or you'll be in a world of hurt!
The thing is I don't want to
The thing is I don't want to say I don't like him, I'm sure it would be like this with any other 6 year old boy,but sometimes it's all too much for me and my FDH doesn't understand that I want to be alone sometimes and not do family things (which I always think would be fun,but turns into whining and moaning days out- but again I'm sure that's normal with kids,I just don't know any others to compare it to) as he says we're going to be like this forever so I can't hide from things. He is good at the parenting part and tries not to disturb me when I'm studying, have you told your husband you don't want to act like mom? do you have any kids of your own? I really want kids one day, but this isn't how I planned it!
The thing is I don't want to
The thing is I don't want to say I don't like him, I'm sure it would be like this with any other 6 year old boy,but sometimes it's all too much for me and my FDH doesn't understand that I want to be alone sometimes and not do family things (which I always think would be fun,but turns into whining and moaning days out- but again I'm sure that's normal with kids,I just don't know any others to compare it to) as he says we're going to be like this forever so I can't hide from things. He is good at the parenting part and tries not to disturb me when I'm studying, have you told your husband you don't want to act like mom? do you have any kids of your own? I really want kids one day, but this isn't how I planned it!
You should explain to your
You should explain to your FDH that you need your time alone sometimes. It's good to get a break everyone needs them trust me. I have a SD10 and SS14 both having a birthday in Oct. then I have a 2 yr old of my own and one on the way. When you have you're own there is no comparison to the feelings you will have toward them and not the step children. I've been through hell with my skids, mostly the SD she's evil. It shouldn't be a whine fest either on your days out, that's when your FDH needs to step up and parent. He needs to tell the child that if he's going to act like that then he won't be going any where. I've let my husband handle the discipline. I may sound like a tadle tale when I tell him what his kids are up to but he gets the point.
I completely understand, I
I completely understand, I let my partner handle the discipline too and feel like I'm telling on SS, but I know if I did start telling him off for everything It would feel like its all I ever did!
I'm so glad you said that and
I'm so glad you said that and had your own child, I do worry that I'm not meant for kids, but I never did before my SS! Sometimes I see the way my bf looks at him and think I can't wait to feel like that!