Being the only "Typical" one in a Non-Typical household and Villified for it.
I tend to think of myself as a very understanding and giving person. When I married DH, I took on not only him and all his quirky autistic traits; but also his son, who also on the high functioning autism spectrum.
Then my husband; who was already disabled because of his bi-polar disorder/traumatic brain injury and autism is further diagnosed with MS.
FFFF
Okay....we adapt and thrive. I meet the challenges as best as I can. But then, there are times...When I have just had it. I am surrounded by the "We get special compensation" crew. And I am living on the knife's edge.
Saturday, I wake up at 6:30 to do some of my college work (oh, yeah, I am back in college (at the age of 50)...trying desperately to find a career where I can make more than 35,000 a year to support these two). At 8:30 I leave to go to work, for the 8th day straight. Both of the "men" are in bed still at this point.
When I return at 1:30 p.m.; SS14 is playing video games in his room. DH is on the computer; posting on facebook about politics, disabilities, or geek interests. He gets really deep into discussions on-line.
I chit chat for a couple of minutes about general things. Then say, "You know, I am really hungry. I am going to make myself something to eat." I walk into the kitchen and stop cold. There is no way I can make anything to eat. It is a disaster area. Dishes from the last couple days are stacked up, pots are all over; it is a mess. "Well, I guess NOT." I say loud enough that DH hears it. He just grunts.
I put away the dishes that were in the strainer. Open the dishwasher; thankfully it had been run. And I start to tackle the pile of crap.
"SS14? You are done playing games. Come help me in the kitchen."
DH and SS14 at the same time say..."I have a timer set." "The timer hasn't gone off."
I don't give a flying fuck! I know he is allowed a certain amount of video game time on weekend days but, damn, not when I want him to help with a chore. When the timer went off; in comes SS14. I told him to put away the dishes in the Dishwasher. He was making a big deal about not knowing how to put them away (bullshit). Then threw a fit when I told him when that was done; he had to clean the bathroom. He told me it didn't need to be cleaned; it was just cleaned last week.
I turned and looked at him and said...No games tomorrow.
The world exploded. I sent him to his room to calm down. I finished cleaning the kitchen by myself; because at this time DH decided he needed to take a nap to "recharge" because later that evening we had to drive 90 minutes away to demo his latest board game invention to some players.
I was the bad guy. Because I wanted a clean kitchen. I was the bad guy because I was mad at him for taking a nap. I was the bad guy all around. I am so tired of being the bad guy. I am so tired of being the only Neuro-typical in a non-typical household, who isn't allowed ANY consideration. All of the concessions in the world are made for the peccadillos of those two.
Normally, I don't rant. Today. I rant.
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I will be honest, not sure I
I will be honest, not sure I would sign up for that kind of life.
It sounds a bit like your DH and his son are able to use their disabilities to their advantage. Your DH can manage to make up a board game and drive 90 miles so he can market it, yet can't go down to the local grocer and put green bean cans on a shelf or sit in a call center or service online help desk chats? I call BS on that.
I had to drive it. He didn't.
I had to drive it. He didn't. And the problem with his disability is we never know what he can or cannot do stamina wise. Each day is different.
It's still seems like they
It's still seems like they lean on their weaknesses when it suits them.. ie playing on computers vs picking up in the kitchen.
It makes it hard on you too... you are expected to parse out when it really is out of their control and when it IS in their control and they are just manipulating you into doing things they could do themselves.
I am assuming your DH is receiving SSI disability? I wonder if there is anything he could do on a freelance basis that would bring in extra money though...
They are both LOSER/USERS. I
They are both LOSER/USERS. I know of so many people that are far more disabled who are not such disgusting users.
I get it, in a way. I've got
I get it, in a way. I've got chronic health conditions and the symptoms can vary from severely affecting my life to barely affecting my life, and that can change within a week.
That being said, there needs to be a baseline of what is acceptable. It sounds like DH and SS regularly choose to spend their available energy and attention solely on themselves. It's not unreasonable that some of that energy and attention gets put into shared responsibilities, and onto their relationships (with you, with each other, etc).
I find it very frustrating when my available energy and attention goes only towards my daughter, or towards her and basic self-care. But sometimes that's what needs to happen. But I have plans in place so that DH's life is not negatively affected by a bad day - other than he misses me because I go to bed the minute he gets home.
Some of those plans are household routines, some of them are meal planning (including a local pizza delivery on speeddial for when things get desparate), which I made mostly on my own because I care about that, but also with DH's input so that we both know what should be happening and what the other can do to pitch in.
I hope you can figure something out. Being understanding doesn't have to include adjusting so much that you are taken advantage of.
"Being understanding doesn't
"Being understanding doesn't have to include adjusting so much that you are taken advantage of." so very true. OP i hope you memorize this and make it your personal mantra. i'm glad you got this rant out of your system. now you need to break it down without the anger and figure out a way to communicate your needs to your husband.
my mom (sm) is bipolar and 'ate up' with fibromyalgia. there were often times when she just couldnt. whatever the task, she just couldn't. i totally understand that. in the times that she could, she did. i think your dh is taking advantage of you, and needs to get off his ass, and do what he can, when he can. he's gotten complacent with you handling things, and that needs to change.
WTH - this would drive me off
WTH - this would drive me off a cliff... seems like you will have to start parenting both SS and DH, same time on electronics... If DH doe snot like it laugh and say, I work to support you and SS, I'm not coming home to a mess and then do all the work here as well, you are not dead yet, you will be the house husband from now on,
the more you do the more electronic time you can earn. You Dh might not be medically fit to work in public but there's nothing wrong with him, he can do the cooking and cleaning..
put your foot down and kick their lazy electronic asses
Yes, I am in love with my DH.
Yes, I am in love with my DH. He and I have a lot of compatibilities and a lot of the same geek-outs. We have a great time together...when we aren't stressed out.
He is not in counseling, unless you count the ABA therapy that SS14 is getting and the "advice" they give for how to deal with SS14 and his behaviors.