Bracing for the fall out
We live in a warm weather state, so spring is coming. Both my boys (3years and 9months) need complete spring/ summer wardrobes. Bs3 can't fit into anything from last summer and the baby doesn't have anything warm weather appropriate that will fit him. So I am going to start shopping this weekend.
I like to pick up a few outfits every paycheck so that its not such a huge financial burden all at once. This way I will have plenty of spring clothes ready to go when mid March hits and its too warm for pans and long sleeves.
The problem? The skids, what else. They don't need any clothes. They are 10 and 11 so they don't grow out of their clothes every few months anymore. They were both bought entire new wardrobes last summer. Huge wardrobes. So huge that they can't fit it all into their drawers and closet. I bought them all the clothes they'd need and then mil bought them each another three weeks worth of outfits each while they were visiting her last summer. So they literally have 5 weeks worth of clothes that fit them. No need for anymore. But I can hear all the comments now. I can hear the arguments between dh and I already....how fucked up it is that I only bought my own kids clothes. How I had his kids. How his poor kids get nothing. Never mind that all of bs3's clothes fit into ONE drawer while his kids have so much clothes they can't fit it into a huge dresser and closet each.
Its so rediculous. I was literally sitting here thinking of where I can hide the clothes so no one knows I am buying it. Then it just hit me how insane that it. I literally can't buy friggin t-shirts and shorts for my kid without fear of the reprisal from the skids and dh. My kids are clearly the ones getting the shaft in the clothing department [bs3 went all winter with a total of 9 outfits] and I am still feeling like I shouldn't be doing even the most basic of efforts to do for them. I don't have the money to be buying the skids more clothes that they don't need. Any normal family would have no problems buying clothes for the kids who need it, but not in a step family. That's just blasphemous to buy for anyone other than the poor little step kids.
But as part of my new disengagement, I'm not going to let it stop me. I am going to buy my kids the clothes I want and I dare anyone to question me about it.
But of coarse it will be seen as total unfair that my kids gets a bunch of new clothes and they get nothing.
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Honey just buy your kids the
Honey just buy your kids the clothes and tell dh that you are not their parent and he is so he can go do what he wants but you will be focusing on your miss period. No fighting just a statement. And if the younger ones are his kids too then I'd use that agaisnt by saying that he needs to treat all his kids equally and if one or some of his kids needs clothes then he needs to get them. I would tell him that he is favoring the older ones over the younger ones who need things and is not willing to make sure all his kids have what they need. Yep I'd point it all out for him and tell him that if he can't treat them equally then I will have to make sure the younger ones who he is not stepping up too has what they need. I would put a huge guilt trip in him do hard it will knock him on his add. But that is me. I'm very protective of my kids.
Yes my kids are his kids too.
Yes my kids are his kids too. He sees nothing wrong with our kids making do with less. Bit for some reason the skids need everything.
Last fall I spent hundreds of dollars on school uniforms for the skids. He came with me one trip to the store and I showed him everything from the other trip to the store. He knows howuch I spent and how much they got (two weeks worth each). He was totally fine spending all the money.
A month later I came home the three pairs of pants off the clearance rack for bs3 and he got all bent out of shape rant I g and raving about how I didn t buy any clothes for the skids. Never mind I had just spent 400+ dollars on the for school clothes and only spent less than thirty on bs.
I have the same problem with
I have the same problem with BD4!! This past winter I only bought her a handful of clothes.
Last summer BD4 had not one thing that fit her. She needed everything! But of course SD16 heard me on the phone saying to my mom that I had to get new clothes for BD, so SD calls daddy crying that she has no summer clothes. DH takes her shopping, spends about $300 on her and BD4 still had nothing. I ended up taking money out of our account and going to Target. DD11 got nothing new last summer at all. All of her shorts were too tight, she somehow grew a couple of inches and nothing fit. But come September SD16 went crying to daddy that she has no clothes!! I am so sick of it!! SD is not growing and all of her clothes still fit from last year. This kid has about 16 bathing suits, 2 closets full of clothes and a full dresses and she has a huge wardrobe at her gm's house too!!
This summer I am putting my foot down and telling DH that DD11 and BD4 will be first to go summer shopping and if there is no money left for SD then oh well, she can wear all the shit she got last year!!!
Like I said you have to put
Like I said you have to put your foot down if he don't like it oh well his problem. At least your kids will have clothes.
Have done this it just might help. I get every kid and have them get their clothes for that season and have them try them on in front of dh and make a pile that fit and don't fit. That way he can see who has clothes and who doesn't. Sometimes men don't think til they see it.
It might work that way no fighting or anything. Hopefully. I do it that way so I know who needs what but if your dh sees the huge pile the older ones have compared to the younger ones plus the miss see it as well. It just might help.
My response would just be my
My response would just be my middle finger as I walked away to put away all the new clothes and it would keep being my only response every time it got mentioned.
is he really so dense that he
is he really so dense that he doesn't grasp how fast little kids grow out of clothes, even though he has 4 kids? you are like me and anticipate the bullshit well in advance. i do that and i get so pissed off before it even happens. but it prepares me to handle the ignorance when it does come to be. i don't always buy something for bd17 when i buy for bs4, because she does not need stuff as often as he does. it would be wasteful and stupid to do that.
i remember one time when sd and her then bf were here when i got home from grocery shopping. they were helping me put things away (a first for her, she probably just wanted to see what i bought that she could get into) and she came across the bag full of gerber graduate foods. she looked at bs and said "you're spoiled!" i said "he's spoiled because we feed him?" :? even her bf agreed that was a stupid thing to say! buying kids what they NEED is not indulgent or unfair to anyone.
I think he probably knows it
I think he probably knows it logically...but he lets his emotions run away with him. And his heart clearly doesn't lie with my/our kids.
One time when bs3 was only 9 or 10 months we had this same issue. He picked up his kids from school and then went to get BS from the nanny. He stopped by a friends house on the way home. When he got home he utterly became unhinged because bs was dressed in new clothes (having just moved up a size) and HIS kids were in clothes that were 6 months old. Ranting how "this will not happen!!!! That he won't be having his kids looking like homeless kids while my son gets new clothes every other month" He was embarrassed by the skid because they wee crazy dirty from playing in the dirt at school and rather than deal with that, its easier to blame me. I just looked at him like he was the stupidest person on the planet and asked him how exactly he expected me to fit bs into clothes that were two sizes to small, or how he expected to afford whole new wardrobes for ss and SD every three months, because that's how fast babies grow.
We've had this same issue every time I buy clothes since.
he's being deliberately
he's being deliberately stupid and he needs his ass kicked and his face punched!
I'm sorry you have to deal
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'd ignore the skids completely or if they say "how come I don't have new clothes?" Respond with "Go ask your father"...isn't that what child support is for?
We don't get child support.
We don't get child support. Both BMS are deadbeats.
Oh ok, got ya. Sorry!
Oh ok, got ya.
Sorry!
DH used to be like this.
DH used to be like this. Until one day he made a comment to me about DSs shirt being little too small...he said "Didn't we just buy clothes?" Yes @sshole for YOUR son, like ALWAYS YOUR kid got a whole new wardrobe and OUR son has no clothes that fit. I could tell that DH felt bad and we took DS shopping for new clothes that same day. Sometimes I don't think he does it on purpose...doesn't make it any better though. I buy whatever I want for my DS. I told DH that I felt like DS gets the short end of the stick sometimes because of his guilty daddy parenting with SS so I was going to do whatever I wanted with DS and for DS and if he doesn't like it he can suck it. We almost had an issue the other night...I could tell he wanted to get mad because I bought DS some giant batman action figure that was almost as tall as him. I reminded him that 1. SS wasn't there so it's not like I bought DS a random gift and 2. he just bought SS a video game after I expressly said no more video games because he doesn't play any of the ones we have except black ops and bought nothing for DS.
WOW I'm really long winded...bottom line-do what you want if he doesn't like it too bad...he'll get over it eventually
We have full custody of the
We have full custody of the skids. Bms don't even come to visit or pay child support.
I know EXACTLY where you are
I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. My favorite example of the blatant disparity is the time DH took SD shopping to an expensive clothing place near our house, right after he'd driven the 1.5 hours to pick her up from BM. He decided to take BD then about 3 along for the ride. Coming back it was after 5 pm. Can you picture this? BD is 3 and has been trapped in a car for 1.5 hours, it is nearing dinner time, and DH decides SD HAS to go shopping at exactly that moment. Never mention she had thousands of dollars of unworn clothes at our house alone.
So they arrive at this shopping center and DH and BD3 spend an hour following SD around while she buys to her heart's content on daddy's dime. BD3 is acting up so DH decides to take her to her favorite clothing store and tell her: "I'm not buying you anything from this store." WHAT ... THE ... HELL? Why would you even take her there, especially after she watches you throwing money at SD?
So naturally BD3 had a meltdown and DH and SD had to leave before SD had maxed out all his credit cards. DH gets home and is pissed at BD3 and has yelled at her until she is crying because of her "bad behavior."
What I with my bios (DH's kids as well, by the way) is keep a box in the laundry room. I buy all the time when I see a really good deal and put it in that box. Then, when the season rolls around, I just pull them out, remove the tags and add them to their laundry as it is returned to their rooms. DH has no way of knowing if it is old or new (we have a lot of hand-me-downs and thrift store buys), so he can't complain.
Who is in charge of finances
Who is in charge of finances in your household? Do you keep a budget or some kind of spending spreadsheet?
My DH could never understand why we didn't have enough money to do x, y and Z until I showed him in black and white exactly WHERE our money was going.
Our finances are quasi
Our finances are quasi merged, quasi desperate. I have the bills I pay every month and he has his. We help each other out if the other comes up short on their week (we get paid every other week, opposite weeks) and if its a big purchase we discuss it first. But in general, my extra money is mine to spend and his is his to spend.
Peanut - you know what? I
Peanut - you know what? I feel really sad that your children are going to grow up in a house where their father is convinced the skids are hard done by because they have crappy biological mother's (which granted is absolute shite)and who in fact favours his *first* borns to the detriment of his subsequent children. THEY are the ones who are actually going without and your DH is ridiculous that he goes bonkers over the wrong children.
For me, this has NOTHING to do with stepkids VS bio kids (although appreciate all the children are siblings). This situation is about NEED. It is your DH's hang up which is causing him to neglect his younger children in lieu over his hang up of the oldest even having another whiff of a female who rejects them. IMO it seems because your skids bio mum did a number on your skids and f*cked off, he wrongly sees anything that does not involve the skids yet involve your younger children as another rejection, yet actually in part that is exactly what he is doing to your BS's. He is in fact perpetuating an element of what the skids BM did and projecting it onto you and BS's.
Your DH needs to wind his neck in and pull his head from his arse or alternatively he needs therapy to consider what damage he is doing over the fact his wife is worrying and deliberating over how to purchase necessities for your joint children without it ending up in a competition of attention.
In all honesty I think I would tell him to go screw himself as HE is the one playing favourites, this is about ensuring children get their NEEDS fulfilled. Do the skids *need* new clothes? Do the BS's? That's what it comes down to and it twisted he is seeing it as something else. You are not the skids BM's, you are still there.
I know you likely feel drained at the prospect of something so mundane turning into an epic battle however by hiding it, you are enabling this situation to continue. I think its time you draw the battle line, wield your axe and charge DH. By that I know when my own DH has done bat shit crazy stuff which is hypocritical I have not given him a taste of his own medicine but treated him like an insane idiot, I would mention his insanity to close family in front of him to embarass him into changing and when he purchases unnecessary things for the skids leaving your children to go without necessities I would throw the same god damn tantrum he does, while pulling out all the crap the skids already have to shove in DH's face. DH WOULD SOON BE SHITTING HIMSELF STUPID TO PULL THE SAME STUNT AGAIN.
Thing is, when I see something so unfair and mad I tend to lose my rag a bit lol!
Make a pile of clothes that
Make a pile of clothes that fit for each kid.
Take a picture of how HUGE some piles are and how TINY others are. Or just count - Skid has 47 shirts and bio has 4 that are too small.
Take a picture of a bio holding up clothes that are too small. Threaten to post it on FB with a note about your fucking asshole husband won't buy them any clothes because his spawn must have 59 outfits.