WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So dh just called me from work. SS7 had called him crying. he said he doesn't want to come here anymore. that he's unhappy and all dh does is lay on the couch. and that he never wants to come back. this is totally untrue. he is always happy here. we had a great christmas. we even had a big christmas party on saturday with my family, where he got a bunch of gifts. my family treats him just like one of there own grandkids. BM said she not going to spend him if he's unhappy. but i'm like what? BM's mom is in town, and shes a complete bi***. so we are thinking this is a big show for her. but this is just horible to do to a little boy.
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Here is the thing.. I dont
Here is the thing.. I dont think a 7 yr old should get to make those decisions.. and your husband should remind his ex that he doesnt get to pick and chose when he pays her the cs.. so she doesnt get to pick and chose when to enforce the visitation schedule.
I say explain to her its court ordered.. and have dh reassure her that its quite a different story when he is w/you two.
No way a child should be making these decisions.. she should be an adult and tell him too bad, your going.
she doesn't want dh to be a
she doesn't want dh to be a part of ss life anymore. she does everything in her power to make sure of that. making ss call her bf dad, and dh by his name. when he was is younger (like 3) when i first met dh, ss would get spanked if he called bm's bf anything other than dad. i told dh that if bm wont let dh pick up ss to call the police. cuz she thinks she can pick and choose when we get to see ss.
I don't think BM really has
I don't think BM really has a choice. It is your DH's choice to exercise his visitation/custody rights - if he chooses to let his child make the arrangements, he is going to be in a world of hurt down the road. There is a reason that children don't determine the custody arrangement - because they are children.
We went thru this.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Albert Einstein
I don't think Ss is actually
I don't think Ss is actually unhappy. he had a great visit last weekend. Christmas parties, visiting grandma, helping his sister open her presents. He's never shown that he's unhappy. Exept for when he's misbehaving and is disaplined. But even then, that's just normal for a 7 year old. It could be because I'm more strict about certain things. Like i don't think it's appropraite for a 7 year old to be watching shows like family guy, or trailer park boys, but he can at his moms. i just say my house my rules. I'm not going to bend or break the rules, just because he is so called unhappy. I do think this all stems from BM's mom. it;s just so F***ed that SS would say this now. On tuesday when his uncle picked him up, he wanted to come and spend new years with us. So we are just clue less as to where all this is coming from. I have never heard of pAS before, and i did read a bit on it. It sound just like what BM is doing. I think it's so detramentlal for SS.
There are alot of things I don't want to do
but once I do it, it usually isn't that bad. Like going to work for example. A seven year old isn't in a position to make a decision about visitation. I know I'm pointing fingers most of the time at BM but SM's too have a responsibility to see the childrens struggles from an elevated perspective and guide them through these challenges of a split home.
Experts will tell you in almost any book you read, or chair you sit in that children will behave the way they believe the parent they are with wants them to feel. They may act as if they didn't have fun at one house to make the other feel that they love them more. It is a terrible place for a child. Sometimes it is just easier at one home because they spend more time there, they have their stuff there, friends etc. or just a routine they are use to. That doesn't mean the time spent with the other parent isn't as important.
It is hard enough for us adults to "get along" with eachother. Find peace and a working relationship with an ex. Expecting that of a child and allowing them a leadership role is irresponsible. We as parents must rise above and teach these children.
My daughter is two. I see her behavior and I look at my behavior. Her tone, expression, everything is a simple mimic of mine. So depending on how I do things, she will learn what is appropriate, or inappropriate for her. If I don't like what she is doing, I have to look at how to show her differently rather than get mad at her. She's only 2.
With older kids, it is more complex and at this point way out of my league. However, it is my learned belief that, when a child doesn't want to go to another parents home, barring serious abuse and criminal activity, it is the adults responsibility to support the other family. In a perfect world huh. I've seen this for years with our BM. My daughter gets really upset when either my husband or I are away from her. We always say, when she cries out for the other, your papa (momma) loves you so much and he/she will come back.
We have to help these kids feel safe. Even as teens, if they don't see the other parents often, it is uncomfortable and awkward, to get on a plane and visit a stranger. It is in their best interest to have a relationship with both parents. It is also in their best interest to do things they don't want to do so they are better prepared to face the challenges that life will bring them, make them stronger, more loving, open human beings.
So peachymom. My thoughts are that if BM wants more time because her mother is in town. Your DH needs to have a conversation with her and find out what she wants. If she would like an extra day because her Mom is in town, your DH can slowly teach her, as we try to teach children, how to communicate. She sounds like she feels she has to use her 7 year old to manipulate what she really wants. Perhaps an extra day wouldn't be so bad, then she can support how much DH misses the little boy and make his reunion an exciting one too.
This is just the begining of a terrible or functional relationship between all of you. Mine has elevated to disaster so I hear you from our perspective several years ago. Even if only you are taking the high road, someone will maintain a loving nurting environment to foster a healthy mind for this little 7 year old.