Sorry but this is how I feel.
I'm going to sound like a bitch, but for right now that's ok. In reading some replies, I hate hearing they are just kids, your the grown up. In here I vent things that I would never say to DH, SS, DD or BM. I have feelings that other people on here understand. Like I would never tell SS that the love I feel or DD is very different and much stronger. I would never call him a spoiled brat. Even though thats how I feel. But people come on here to make sure that they aren't crazy. And it's totally normal not to love or even like Skids. Or to have confilciting feelings about them. Or the change when you have your own kids. I would never call BM a bitch to her or in front of SS. But god knows she can sure be one. I don't feel guilty that I defanly love DD more than SS. Because thats normal. I carried her for 9 months, I gave birth to her, she nurses at my breast. SS got dropped in my life 4 years ago. Not saying I don't love him. But it's true I favor my own child. And it's fine for me, and that's how it is. So maybe I am a bitch, but that's ok. 1
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I agree totally
I don't think you sound like a bitch at all. You are right-this is a place where we can say all those things that we usually keep to ourselves. Also I think it's only natural that we love our BK more than our SK. I would die for my son and while I do love my SS, my feelings are nowhere near as strong as they are for my son.
I don't think...
you're a bitch either. You just sound like you're almost feeling guilty for feeling the way you feel. Well don't!
I have always said that I love my skids "different" than I love my sons. Of course I do. I don't say "more"....just different. I'll also get so frustrated with my boys that I'll stomp my feet and end up screaming at them - which I would NEVER do to the girls. But I also have almost hurled (and cussed under my breath the whole time) while cleaning up my SD's throw up but when it's one of my own son's throw up, all I do is worry is if he's going to be okay. It's my dynamic and it's who I am and never once do I feel bad about it...
Honey, whoever thinks that you should "love" them exactly the same is nuts. You just can't. So stop being sorry. He already has two biological parents that love him like you love your daughter - that's all anyone ever needs.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
What you think to yourself can come out
in other ways. If you think that your SK's are brats or whatever that shows sometimes in body language and also other ways. It is not a POSTIVE thing. I always try to think of it this way, If I adopted these kids how would I treat them? Would I get angry and think childish things about how I hate them...all that will have a negative influance on my household... or can I push past all those things and become a STRONG positive influance b/c I have the power to make my home a happy and enjoyable place to be!!! If I am in a bad mood everyone else is and the opposite. Just a little bit of advice to help, NO your not a bitch for feeling like that.
I wish I could sell her for what she thinks she is worth,
I'd be a millionare twice.
Coming from someone
who doesn't have her own kids yet, I agree with you. I'm not saying that I don't like my skids, although there are days my skin crawls when I think of them coming over. My BF tells me that he hopes I can love and treat my skids the same as my bio kids. I laugh a little because I know it won't be the same and it shouldn't be the same. My bio kids are going to love me and tell me so. I'm going to do things for them that I didn't do for the skids, like tuck them into bed, read them stories. There is going to be a bond between us that may never exist with my skids. How am I suppose to be fair to both kids, when bio kids live with me all the time, and skids don't. If I want to do something on the week skids are at BM's then oh well. My bio kids aren't going to miss out on something just because their siblings aren't there and are probably having a blast at their BM's. That's not fair to them. I have had the discussion with my bf that when our kids come along it won't be the same. It's hard to have affection toward a child who openly hates you and makes life miserable because BM told them to.
Yup thats hows I felt when I
Yup thats hows I felt when I wrote that. I am very careful of how I act when SS is around. I don't want to openly favor DD but it's hard. I don't hate SS but it's different with my DD. But there are some differences for sure. Like with christmas comming up, I'm not as worried now about SS and DD having the same amount of gifts here, cuz at 9 am Chirstmas morning SS is going to BM house where i'm sure Santa will have come agian and get a ton of gift from BM Stepdad and all his family. That made me really mad last year. I got into a big fight with DH, we didn't have much money for Christmas last year, and we got SS at 10 am Christmas morning, so I was like lets not do Santa gift, cuz "he" already went to his moms. In my mind Santa only comes to one house. When I was a kid, I got two gifts from Santa one from Mom and Dad, one from my sister, then from my extended family. But with Skids, they often get two trips from Santa then a whole crap load of gifts. Of cousrse we are doing Santa this year, cuz he's wakeing up here. But when not I don't think Santa should come. Sorry just more venting. Any ideas??? What do you guys think?
Santa comes once
We aren't doing Santa gifts this year since SS will be at BM's christmas morning. We will still fill his stocking because his BM doesn't do that. His BM plans on buying very big and expensive gifts this year which we can't afford so either way with or without a santa gift he will act disappointed. Might as well save the money.
Well here's the problem
"When you were a kid"
I have said that before too... and the problem there is that when you have a relationship with a man that has kids, they have been raised differently. You have to see that you might not like the way they were raised and its not gonna change. Especially when BM has such a strong influence.
You do have your own to raise the way you want, dont you?
Skids do get a shit-ton of gifts. But look at what they go through also. All the brainwashing and mental instability. I know I am a step-kid.
As far as presents and stuff, I don't let his kids take anything home that stays at our house and BM doesn't either, so that kind of helps, but its inevitable that skids might get more.
Its a long difficult road that is not paved in gold or diamonds so wtf am I working on it for?
Sometimes you HAVE to be the bigger person and LET IT GO ya know
Thats why I blog here
I feel totally different about skids.....
Oh don't feel bad at all. The difference in my feelings towards my skids and my BD is like night and day. They have a BM, they don't look to me to be that for them, and I don't feel comfortable being that for them, so why should I try. Being their friend, accepting them into my home when they come and trying to help them grow up to respect themselves and others is enough. You CAN accomplish this without getting a warm, snuggly feeling whenever they are around. I will probably never get over the dread I feel when a weekend with them is approaching. It is just a lot of chaos when they are here, and I don't approve of the behavior their BM tolerates and expects us to. I don't like the influence they have on my daughter, and I don't like how they seemingly take over my tiny condo when they are here. I don't have to like it. I have to tolerate it. If they sense anything from me, it would be my disapproval when they are disrespectful and that is all. If the bond ever grows stronger, that will be great, but I am not holding my breath. Thanks for your post peachymom, I think many of us feel the same way.
Just one thing to say
AMEN!!!!!!!!! Sometimes reading things on this website makes me feel like a terrible person for feeling the way I do. However, this is me and I can not change it. Goodness knows I have tried my damndest to change and not feel the way I do but I can't. Not saying it will never happen, I hope it does. I do not have my own children yet but when I do, I know there is no way I will be able to treat my skids equally. My SD and I had this conversation the other night. Her only concern is that they get the same amount of "stuff" as my child gets. Ok, is that even possible. We pay over $700 per month in cs. So does that mean each time I buy say $20 in diapers I should go out and spend $20 on her and SS. I certainly think not. I mean seriously here people, how can skids expect you to really treat them equally when using the example I just used. But you know what, we are the stepmom, we will always be wrong, always be mean, always be hated. So why the HELL even try????????????????????????????????
Because you love their father
and you wanted to make a life with him...NO??
I wish I could sell her for what she thinks she is worth,
I'd be a millionare twice.
if you're a b*tch then I am too
I am thankful that I have a safe forum that I can express feelings, concerns, etc... that I would not share with dh because I feel like he wouldn't take it right and I would only be hurting his feelings . I too feel very different about my bio kids than my skids. My bios are part of my heart and soul and the skids are not. It is as simple as that. My dh probably feels the same way and that is just the way it is.
I am kind and fair to my skids and treat them with caring, but I do not have the love for them that I have for my own. Maybe someday I will grow to love them, but I am not there yet.
I think it is better be honest with yourself about this and not beat yourself up over it than pretend that you have love that just is not there.
Just my 2 cents.
Georgie
I feel alot better about bitching to this site than to
Him to he gets tired of hearing it
I wish I could sell her for what she thinks she is worth,
I'd be a millionare twice.
I think there is a difference...
To when one is venting in frustration and 'getting it off their chest' as apposed to people who, post after post, keep hounding on the fact that their life isn't perfect, that the step kids are snots, their DH/BF doesn't listen to them, etc etc etc... life isn't perfect, and it's never going to get better for them. (Would you like more cheese with that whine?) No body likes to be told what they are doing wrong, or point out the ugliness that one may be involved in, or how they are enabling the situation. I have seen a lot of that here.
Now, I totally understand, and can relate, to the frustrations when you feel like the bottom has dropped out and you need a place to vent. I can relate. But I can't relate to is people who, after time and time, 'don't get it'. They don't want to listen to any advice, they know their situation best, and so they constantly live in turmoil because they don't want to admit that what they are presently doing... isn't working. I've left this site for just that reason, and since, after a long break, have slowly ventured back... because to be honest, I'm not here for me anymore, I'm really here to share my 'expertise', my experience in hopes to help someone else.
So, I do not think you're a bitch for feeling the way you do. It is normal and natural and I do think a lot of people tend to take this forum on a personal level, rather than looking at it from a different perspective or 'outside of the box'. Child are children, yes, but they also need to learn boundaries, morals, values, manners, etc. Think of it as a parents contribution to society. (Experts already say that our generation is raising up the ME generation....)
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I like what you said here...
I think for a long time I didn't want to take any responsibility for the part I was taking in all the turmoil. I just figured it was ALL her fault because she wouldn't accept me as his new wife and her children's stepmom. The second I was accountable for overstepping my bounds (even if it was BMs boundaries), things actually got better. I believe I always had the best of intentions but the moment that I realized that certain aspects really were none of my business, the happier EVERYONE has been. I stepped back and let DH handle HIS responsibilites and quit sticking my nose in really where it didn't belong. Now don't get me wrong, BM has constantly tried to drag me back in but I have politely told her that she needs to talk to DH and not involve me. I'm happier. She's happier. We are all happier.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I know how you feel
I am new here, but have been reading for a while. I also dread when the skids come too. For instance this evening we don't know if SD will be there or not because she is in Pep Band. Is SS going hunting with BM's father? Sometimes we go up on Sat. to get them, but my point is that we never know what is going on, and I feel like someone else is running my life, and making our plans for the weekend. I agree that I will never love them like my kids...my kids are respectful and not manipulative to get what they want. Skids will be at our house on Christmas Eve from 9pm until Christmas evening at 9pm. My inlaws have always had Christmas on Christmas Eve. This means we have to leave early to go and get them, and then next year we will have to leave early to take them back. BM won't let them just come on Christmas Eve during the day and take them back when the festivities are done. And DH won't push the issue with BM...for whatever reason he seems afraid to stand up to her...but that is a whole other issue.
I think venting here saved me from myself
The fact that you are in here and venting means that you are finding healthy outlets for your feelings of frustration and confusion. Saying it here probably keeps you from saying things to those closest to you that would injure your relationship.
I know it's been that way for me -- and it's been EXTREMELY helpful.
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." George Bernard Shaw
I like that!
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I am completely new to the
I am completely new to the site. This is the first I have read or known of it, but I think it is what I have been searching for. A place to say some things I normally wouldn't say. I have been filled with an overwhelming urge to vent lately. I keep mostly inside the way I feel because it feels wrong that I should feel this way, however I am not an amateur to step-parenting. I had once thought I had reached the top of the mountain and was headed downhill. I find myself back at the bottom looking up again. We have been married about 9 years, my SD was about 7, and 5 1/2 when we started dating. I knew right from the beginning that I most certainly was seen to be a threat by my SD, someone who would have to be done away with at all cost. I was actually frustrated but almost in awe of the manipulative mind that a child of 5 or 6 could have already. Little things like the first time I sat in the car alone while her dad had to run in the store she said to me " I think I will ask my dad if we can watch Parent Trap tonight" I hope we all know that was the movie about the little twin girls who terrorized the woman who would marry there father in order to complete there plan of reconnecting ther bio mom & dad. I joyfully old her it sounded like fun, I would like that, bit my tongue and thought if anything could ruin this great thing I have found I am looking at it.
I can't give you my whole story so I will try to shorten it, we spent those couple years not getting along more of that sort of thing. Then something changed her mom had a lot of difficulties with jealousy hubby and I had two children in a row of our own, the BM began to take it out on her, so who better to turn to then SM for sympathy and to talk and listen to her, my heart went out to her immediately, I wanted to rescue her. We became the best of friends for about 3 years, inseparable friends. Again something happened and mom became her hero once again, I had hoped they would get along, but why can she only get along with one of us at a time? I was left in the dust, not only that but back to being an intruder, someone she could do without. Even after the three years, I was devastated at how quickly loyalties swayed. I did my best to say "kids will be kids", she will come around. Basically from that point to now, we tolerate each other. She is beginning to make me feel crazy I absolutely can't tolerate her at all anymore ...and that is why Im here. She just recently told her mother (to sve her from certain trouble, that I borrowed her birthday money from a few months ago and won't give it back (which was absurd). Her mother calls me to confront me and of course we don't talk much because she is as jealous and mad and resentful today as the day hubby and I married. I told her I knew nothing of this, and that I just gave her $300 for christmas money why would I borrow money from her? It was all very odd. BM is irrational as a person can be and screams that I was lying and said she would be suing me for the $40 . I have hubby call SD and ask what is going on (she is now almost 17 yrs. old) she acts as if she has no idea why her mom would say such a crazy thing. He calls back BM to tell her it never happened to ask there daughter again and she will get the truth that actually she had spent it, and didn't want to be in trouble about it (it was money put up from several months prior that was supposed to be being saved). So she continued to tell us as we told her all of the awful things being said about the way we or I supposedly treat her ( we never have food, we slave drive her, Im unfair to her, she is always the baby-sitter, all of which were so far from the truth) My husband also guilt parents to a degree so our house is mostly all just fun and games certainly no work or no confrontation because that would make her unhappy or not to want to be there. I guess my biggest complaint is that I try and try and try, I have read books, I have tried lots of methods, I have been always fair (despite the fact that she herself is jealous and not to nice to siblings in the house). No matter what I do I am always the least respected, the easiest scapegoat, and the first person she turns on to get her way, and it hurts so much that I mean so little to her. I never expected to be her "parent" or anything of that significance, but helping with homework, driving her all summer 45 minutes to summer school and back every day, missing out on vacations, time with my own kids, sacrifices myself and my children made because of child support and endless court matters. Special outings for me and her "girl time", teaching her in the parking lot to drive, being friends. Now this is where we are? How did I become the evil stepmom, Ive always tried to respect BM rights and boundaries, respect my husband his daughter. How could I be so disliked. I feel it hasn't yet crossed her mind that I have feelings too perhaps, or that my kids have feelings and are human beings. Please someone tell me at what age should I feel that she should be forced to face consequences, and be held responsible for her lack of respect towards me and my family? Or should I always uphold "ids will be kids" or it isn't her fault she has had it rough, etc. Ugggh ok after all that I feel a little better lol thank you for letting me vent what I cannot say to anyone else.
Not to mention she now has starting raising her voice to her dad, which was never before, lied on Christmas that her mom demanded she be home early to spend time with her mom (which of course we must always do what BM wants to avoid trouble), when in fact she lied and left straight from moms to boyfriends, she doesn't seem to notice her dad has feelings as well. He just spend the previous weekend driving her each day back and forth to the hospital mind you this is a 45 minute drive also to spend the day w/boyfriend because her mom refused to drive or pick up, of course the rest of us couldn't do anything all weekend because her boyfriend was sick in the hospital. I am not without caring but he will do anything that she wishes, when will he make her respect her family and try to teach her that she is being a selfish spoiled brat. She will respect mom because mom now lets her have boyfriend over all nights, stay out til 3 am, and things I would never do, which puts me of course on the list of people she doesn't want to be around (I guess because call me old fashion, I don't think a girl of her age should be allowed to do those things) I am also worried for her. She thinks she is enjoying herself but what parent lets there child have a boyfriend sleep over, knowing she has become sexually active, and teach her that it is acceptable. She doesn't even know where she is half the time. I wouldn't be surprised if there were drugs involved but I can't do much to protect, teach, discipline her so why can't any of this get out of my head and not make me crazy.