Please help me
Hi everyone, Its first time I post about my private life and ask for help. But I really nee md your help.
I'm 32 years old and my partner almost 40. He has a daughter from previous marriage who is 9/10 years old now. Its 4 years my partner is not working because of her as no one is looking after her kid. Bm found a full time job so she dont stay at home and look after sd. I work 6 days a week. I pay for everything for rent, bills, his cigarettes ( i never smokes) gift for sd, food, and all extras. I dont remember when was the last time I bought something for me. 3 4 years ago bm moved to be our neighbor and that's when everything got worst. I hate to be close to the ex wife, everytime she saw us hand in hand she gets jealous and start to make problems. Sd is calling dh every single day to pick me up, get me this get me that, I want to stay with you overnight, I'm bored with my mom bla bla. I cant stand her every day. I just cant. I hate to make up on my only day off with her voice and screams to our dog. She is not a clean girl and I'm very tidy she never wash her dirty hands and believe me she is sick all the time and make us sick too. I just want peace. I dont say they should not spend time but it should not be every day all the time. I am really exhausted and have no feeling anymore. I hug my dog and cat and cry when I'm alone. At least they care about me. I feel so alone, I feel like an outsider in my own home. I don't want to come home from work when sd is there. I cant afford to have child from myself or to do anything. I just wanted peace and love, no one cares about my needs or feelings. Is sd your princess dh? What am I? Your slave? My parents live in other country and I dont have anywhere to go. Sometimes I go for a walk with my dog and just sit somewhere for a few hours and would like to die there until morning. I don't want to live anymore. I'm wasted. I'm lost.
Comments
All I'm going to say on the
All I'm going to say on the subject of your partner not working. The kid doesn't need him to sit at home all day. He could easily be going to work. Also, you need this man like you need a hole in the head.
You say you don't have anywhere to go but you do. You are the only one making any money and you are paying for everything for you AND your SO. You hold all the cards, time to play them.
Love is not enough to suffer this kind of toxicity.
Bonjour and thanks for your
Bonjour and thanks for your time.
What about If we dont want to leave each other?
I wish I could talk to him, but he gets angry and says you hate my daughter because you hate her mom, but she is my child and etc... I was used to be calm before but now slm my body shakes when sd is here because I know we are going to fight after she leaves and dh doesn't talk to me for a few days even. I'm always the guilty one. Yes he has access my salary card actually he has my card and I don't. I always try to save money but if he finds it he spends. I don't want you think he is an evil he is not a bad man but sometimes I think he doesn't have brain. He us selfish and maybe that's why I started to hate sd. Why on sds birthday he should buy her smart watch from my salary when I I even don't have one? I think I will lose my mind soon. I'm at work now and sd is with us at this weekend I just want to stay in my office sleep on the floor but dont go home.
Thanks for listening.
Well, it's clear why he
Well, it's clear why he wouldn't want to leave you, but you...? Why stay and let him use you like this? Why put up with being last on his list of priorities? Why let him bleed you dry? Please, please, please, take your life back...
You are being financially abused
Just from your comments above it is clear
You may feel like this is love but it isn't. Please reach out to women's shelters and resources in your area. They will help you to get out of this situation and relatonship.
Keep us posted
Cancel your card and have a
Cancel your card and have a new one issued to you. Can you get a PO Box where your mail goes so he doesn't have access or have at least a replacement card sent to another address?
I fear that if you do start fixing your financial situation and start taking back your life he's not going to react well. You should try to find another place to live so you can be out as soon as possible and physically away. He's using you. Dependence is not love.
You're in an emotionally and
You're in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship. Please get help.
How can I get help, the only
How can I get help, the only help is all your advices. I cant afford any psychology and I can't talk with my family about it... feeling lonely
Your choice
You can stay or go - those are the choices. There is no advice that we can give you that will change your boyfriend's behavior or pattern of abuse. You have to decide whether you are more afraid of leaving and being responsible for your happiness or staying and being used. This relationship isn't about love. But you may not be ready to make a decision or change yet. I wish you the best.
PS
Tell a trusted family member or friend - you need help.
You have nowhere to go? Don't
You have nowhere to go? Don't go anywhere. Kick them out! Is that something you can do? You are the one with freedom (no child), you are the one with income. You hold all the cards.
It's not worth it. This is
It's not worth it. This is beyond taking advantage of you. He is mentall, emotionally, and financially absuing you. This is a situation you need to get out of ASAP. Because of your feelings for him, it WILL be hard, but I promise you can do it and will be SO glad you did.
A grown man with a 9/10 year
A grown man with a 9/10 year old and not working is unacceptable. Isn't this kid in school? He is taking advantage of you. Please leave him before he drains you of everything. You should not be paying for a grown man and his child.
Maybe get the card and change the passcode
or get a new card.
He is living a GOOD life with you paying all the bills and for his child. He will argue with you because he wants to hang onto his nice lifestyle of not working and having no financial responsibilities. If your job has a HR department, they often offer some FREE counseling sessions with a licensed counselor under a plan called EAP (employee assistance program/plan) that are confidential. If you talk to human resources or call your insurance plan from the number on the back of the insurance card, you might be able to receive the free counseling to help you. Before I left a bad relationship almost two years ago, I called the local sheriffs office and they had someone call me to give me resources, places to go, etc until I could move out.
Like others' have stated above, a womens shelter is important to locate, preferably before you are in a crisis situation and need to leave. You will get your happiness back when you are able to be on your own and you'll have much more money when you are not paying for other people. Your cat and dog will be happy too.
Keep going on walks with your dog and remind yourself that you have support and can get out of the situation you are in with the choices and resources that you have. You have a lot of life to live and stuck in a temporary situation with this man and his kid and ex.
What about If we dont want to
What about If we dont want to leave each other?
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Best advise I can give you, is for you to accept him for the way he is today. Not what you HOPE he will possibly, adventually be.
Based on this factor ONLY, do you want to live like this forever?
Exactly.
Exactly.
If you "don't want to leave each other" then you have to accept that this will be your life.
This guy is a freeloader and HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He's sponged off you for 4 years and is going to carry on doing just that.
If you want change you will have to give him the shove.
There is no excuse
NO EXCUSE that your SO is not working. I was divorced (and then widowed) when I had one child in grade school and and one pre school age. I was the MOTHER and I worked full time. You are being used by a lazy, spoiled and selfish man (and his child). You are only a victim of your SO if you are willing to accept his abuse. The suggestions you have been given here are golden.....don't throw them aside. If you are afraid, go to a shelter, they specialize in helping women (and men!) in this very situation. Don't waste another moment of your life in this mess. Suffering isn't love, you need to love yourself first. My prayers go out to you. Get out now.
I feel badly for you, I
I feel badly for you, I really do. You deserve to be happy and instead you are being taken advantage of by someone who made vows to you. It is not fair.
I agree with the ladies who commented above. You can hope and pray and cry and beg for this man to change into the partner you need. But whether he does change or not is out of your control. What you can control in this situation is YOU. You have the strength and the ability to provide for yourself. It doesn't feel like it, but you have the power in this relationship. You have to dig deep for it, but it is there.
The best "what do I do" advice I can give you is to take control of the finances. If you don't want to leave your husband, then move your income to an account that only you have access to. Pay bills directly to whomever they're due. Give him an allowance if you are so inclined. Anything "extra" is YOURS. Not for him to spend on his daughter, not for him to keep from you. It is yours because you earned it. MAYBE if you do this it will be the wake up call he needs to grow up and start working to support his family. Or maybe he will show his true colors and throw a temper tantrum like a child.
*I say all this with the assumption that he will not hurt you physically if he becomes angry. If you think that he will, then you need to make another plan.
You are young, so I will tell you what I wish someone had told me when I was 32. When a person has been allowed to use and abuse the people closest to them for years, they generally will not make a true change. My own husband was a serial cheater. I forgave him over and over because I love him. He said he would change and I believed it because I wanted to believe it. And he would often change for a period of time, but the cycle always repeated itself because he KNEW that I loved him and as a genuinely loving person I would forgive him. I was 32, almost 33 when DD was born. I'd caught him with another woman a month before her birthday. If I could go back to that day and speak to my younger self, I would tell myself to pack and leave right then. I would tell myself that it would be hard and it would be painful, but that short term pain would be NOTHING compared to living through 8 more years of the same cycle. Because the last time it happened, it did drive me into a depression that nearly killed me. Only this time I also had DD to try to shield from how much I was hurting, which added a whole other level of pain that I never could have imagined. If I could go back, I would 100% rip off the band aid and suffer through the relatively short term hurt of ending my marriage sooner rather than later.
I know that my situation is different than yours, but I think the same concept applies. You are not too far into this to start over. And starting over will not get easier in time, I promise you it will only get harder. I hope you'll think that over in the spirit I intend it; as someone who is older and who has experienced a little more life than you and wants to save you from wasting more time on a person who is not worthy of you.
The other thing I want to tell you is that it is not a character flaw for you to love your husband. The fact that he doesn't deserve your love and you love him anyway is not a reflection on you. Being loving, loyal, generous, and kind are all wonderful qualities. Don't ever let anyone tell you that there is something wrong with you for loving someone who doesn't deserve it. One of the most difficult things in life is to come to terms with understanding our own worth and then taking action to find the things and people we deserve. I've been in therapy for three years now, it's taken me a lot of work to get there myself. But if I can do it, I know you can too!
Professional Advice
If the previous comments have not convinced you that you are in an abusive relationship then click on the link. https://www.thehotline.org/
They can advise you on what to do and help get you to local resources in your area.
Good luck!
Bank card
Yes you're all right. I need to sort another bank card asap and at least put half of my salary there, so he just be able to shop for our home and needs ( sometimes he even do shopping for his ex wife home from my card) I remember we had a big fight when his ex wife called him one day and asked him to go and buy cigarettes for her. I got mad and I was shouting that bitch should get her big ass and go do her shopping, why the hell should she call you for that and why I should pay for her cigarette. She was nearly getting married last month and unfortunately it was cancelled. Everyone is saying that she should move far from being our neighbor and she should be with a man or get married so he doesn't call my dh anymore.
I will sort another bank card for me asap ladies, thank you..
You sound as if you're in a
You sound as if you're in a better place than you were when you first posted. I'm glad to hear you're taking some positive steps. I am flabbergasted that his ex-wife thinks she can just snap her fingers and he'll go fetch her stuff with your money! That is off-the-scale entitlement!
Please keep us posted, will you?
Thanks
I wish I never see his ex and sd in my life again... I will definitely keep posting, you give me good feeling, and I feel I'm not alone with you guys, thank you...
Cat & Dog
Hi everyone, last night sd came and stayed with us. I spent sone time alone, took shower, had a walk with dog, read a book and did some work. When dh came to sleep to the bedroom suddenly he said whenever sd is here you act like you're not here, not spending time with us, your face is down, so if you don't want her then I don't want this cat and dog at home either!!! I was like what the hell? I was so angry but i tried to stay calm, just continued reading, i pretend i didn't even hear what he said... You dare to get the cat and dog out of my house and I will kick your daughters butt out...
Your 'D'H is simply awful. He
Your 'D'H is simply awful. He doesn't want the cat and dog there? Too bad! He doesn't pay the bills! If he doesn't like it, he should leave.
I can't help but wonder if he and BM are still involved. She lives next door. He buys her cigarettes. Weird.
You love him. He seems to love your money and the lifestyle you provide. You deserve much more.
They are not involved I'm
They are not involved I'm sure, he just afraid that she take sd and move to other town ( I wish) so he wants to show that he is supportive ( with my money and support!) She was going to get married, and dh says I dont even care about her, but I wish the future husband is not bad because sd should live with him. He thinks he is supporting them but he is in wrong way. I read their messages and its all about kid, when he calls he doesn't ask joe are you or hello, he just ask what's the daughter doing or is she ok. He always says that even before i meet you, before divorce it was nothing between them and he didnt never really like her. I'm not blinde so I always search everything and sometimes his phone but he is not hiding something from me. Its just annoying to be exs neighbor...