Dealing with SS18
Hi there I've never posted anything before and this is my story thus far.
I married my DW 1 year ago and became stepfather to SS18. I'm 45 years old, no kids from my previous marriage. I suppose I was a little too optimistic about the whole "blended family" idea. I am madly in love with DW but I never really stopped to think how SS18 fit into the picture.
He's not as horrible as some of the SKs out there. His grades are high, he's doesn't do drugs. Most of the time I'm good at pretending he's not there but sometimes, this kid makes me feel like I'm a stranger in my own house (DW and I recently purchased a new home together). We live close to SS's college so he commutes to school and I have a feeling its going to be a long 3 years before he moves out. BioDad is not in the picture and never has been. DW divorced him when SS was 3 years old and he hasn't had much contact with him since.
Some problems I having
- He ignores me in the house, hallways, etc. I'm leaving for worker earlier just so I don't have to see him in the mornings
- If I try to initiate conversation, he'll mumble something and go off into his room
-He comes and goes as he pleases
-Does no chores, pays no rent, can't cook so we take him with us everytime we go out to eat
-If I ask him to do something he'll say "later" and wait at least a good hour or two before doing it, or wait until his mom tells him to
-Doesn't go to class most of the time!! Its an 1.5 hour commute to his university and back so he either gets up very early or he misses the bus and doesn't go at all.
I thought if I tried hard enough we would get along. Any suggestions? How did your SKs react to you during the first couple of years of marriage?
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Comments
I have considered this but
I have considered this but the kid hasn't had a job in a while... we will be the ones footing the $10,000 (rent + meals) it costs for him to live near the university.. money that could be more practically put towards the mortagage of our new house. Having him work while in school is apparently out of the question because he doesn't know if he can "handle it" and DW doesn't want to give him added stress. He will be working during the summer but what he'll be earning won't cover the sky-high cost of rent in the city, we are still expected to cover his tuition. When I was his age I was working two part-time jobs and maintaining a 3.3 GPa in my engineering program. Apparently no 18 year old can be expected to be self-sufficient in this day and age.
Doesn't sound like he will be
Doesn't sound like he will be working during the summer either. He will need to rest up after the high stress of college. Also, you wouldn't want his social life to suffer.
Whether he does or doesn't, I
Whether he does or doesn't, I doubt I will have any say in it.
As far as social life goes, I think he has made maybe 2 friends in his first year at college. Not that it bothers him. This kid can go for days without any human interaction all he needs is his computer.
I honestly believe he will go through withdrawal if it is taken away
I hear you. Also get the
I hear you. Also get the silent treatment from SD16. She'll go out of her way to say hi to everyone but me. She'll smother her
mother with kisses and tell her good night, then walk right past me without even a look.. Sometimes it just seems funny that she goes out of her way to try and make me feel bad.
In my case the adult
In my case the adult skids(18,20 & 23) were decent to me during the beginning, up until we got married. They are still civil but half the time can't say hello or just plain dont talk to me much, dont make any plans with us, which in the end is fine with me.
They never lived with us though, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I told my DH I would never reside with his kids right off the batt
I would choose one battle at
I would choose one battle at a time because if you slam her with all her son's faults then she will immediately jump to his defence. Think of it this way, she was (presumably) alone with him for a long time and now you are in the picture.
I would tackle the no chores/unable to cook situation.
Remind your wife that her son is old enough to take on a chore or two. If she says that he is in school and has to study remind her that he doesn't always attend his classes. And taking care of cleaning his room and bathroom and doing the dishes 2x a week will not kill him.
Buy him a rcipe book for the single man or some other basic book.
Ask him to cook dinner 1 night a week.
Now I anticipate your wife having a meltdown. But point out to her that you are able to do all the things you are asking of your s/son and she would not have married you if you did not help out around the house or helped in the kitchen. And YOUR mother (whoever) taught you these skills.
Basically, does she want her son to be seen in a good light or pitied or disliked for being percieved as being lazy.
Once you have this tackled work on to problem #2.
Your right about my DW, she
Your right about my DW, she is protective of him and I haven't voiced many of my concerns yet.
I'm in love with her and I don't want the marriage to sour over this- every time I say something about him I can feel a fight coming on. After reading about the out of control skids around here I feel like I have a lot less to complain about.
Nowadays we share the housework but when she was a single mom she did all the cooking and cleaning for SS18. He did his own laundry and he actually did offer to do the dishes at the beginning but my DW told him she would take care of it. :? His room is a mess, clothes everywhere, but no food so I don't worry about mold..I don't go in at all. If I ask too much he will resent me.
she was a single mom she did
she was a single mom she did all the cooking and cleaning for SS18. He did his own laundry and he actually did offer to do the dishes at the beginning but my DW told him she would take care of it. His room is a mess, clothes everywhere
Your DW needs to understand that she is NOT doing her son any favors by doing everything short of wiping his ass for him. Does she think that there is woman out there who wants to be maid service to her son, because that's what he was taught to expect from a woman? I promise you there is not!
SS12 BM does this... the kid has zero motivation.. and he actually drives DH nuts sometimes because he is so clueless about the simplest things... because BM has always babied him and done everything for him.
These coddling women are not doing these kids any favors, the real world is going to be a huge slap in the face if they ever make it there!
I'm still in the first few
I'm still in the first few years and while things have improved . .they were hell. When I moved in w/DH and SD . . against my better judgement, I was hoping we could bond as a family. SD was working toward an advanced degree, and paying a pittance in rent from her savings because she wasn't working. So DH told her she didn't have to pay anything until she found work. Her plan was to finish school, get a job and get her own place. She finished, took a year to pretend to look for a job, and then decided . . based on a conversation with BM. . that she wanted to buy a house. I would have taken at least 3 years to prepare for that financially because she has bad credit.
During this time, the only chore she had was to clean up behind herself and she wouldn't comply. Sometimes she wouldn't speak to me(after I spoke first), and was plain rude and unfriendly. I felt she had no regard for me at all, and I couldn't stand the sight of her. Once she invited a friend over and didn't even acknowlege or introduce me. She did other crummy things to me as well, but there are too many to mention.
She finally found a job and I insisted that he raise her rent. She has yet to pay the amount he has asked and there's no set date of payment. Recently she had a car accident and DH wanted to give her back her rent so she could pay her deductible. I told him absolutely not. He tries to do everything he can to accomodate and it's pathetic. Why would she ever want to leave?
Get a plan now for your SSs life or you'll end up like me. He'll still be living at home doing what he wants in your house . .which is basically nothing. He'll pay a pittance for rent . .if that, and will get the benefit of someone else doing all the work in maintaining the home and keeping it clean. In the meantime you'll start resenting him (if you don't already) because of his behavior towards you and the fact that you DW still coddles him like a 5 year old. This is how I feel about my SD.
And for the record, my SD will turn 28 . . that's right 28 this year. She's engaged to get married next year . . so I'm looking forward to that. Had she not gotten engaged, I told DH that I was moving out because I no longer wanted to share a home with an adult who was rude, lazy, manipulative and mean spirited because I didn't have to.
Good luck.
WOW I can't imagine being
WOW I can't imagine being stuck with an ungrateful skid for THAT LONG. SS18 isn't disrespectful to me persay (he tolerates me at best.. most of the time doesn't acknowledge me though) but my DW has told me he swore at her before.
I'm just glad my SS18 locks himself in his room MOST of the time. Boy was I an idiot for thinking we be one big happy family. I just want to get along with this kid. I think he has four responses to anything I have to say..
"Okaay", "No/Dunno", "My mom said...", "Later" and a combination of shrugs, grunts and scowls.
Also if he doesn't move out after he gets his Bsc degree, I'm putting my foot down.
Haha, sounds like good solid
Haha, sounds like good solid advice, Spike
Fortunately my SD is also
Fortunately my SD is also "spending most of her time in her bedroom" stage. But she is still under our roof. We are in a better place now, but the damage has been done. DH didn't want to ask her to get her own place because he didn't want to "hurt her feelings." I've also been mortified at her treatment of him . .so that also plays into my thoughts/feelings about her. To tell the truth, I pity her more than anything because I know he's coddled her so that she's weak to the point of not being able to handle any adversity.
Be careful as your DW may want him to stay at home as long as possible, as in the case with my DH. He'll say one thing, but deep in my heart I know he wants her here with us as long as possible, which isn't normal. SD went away to school for undergrad . .moved back home for grad . .and has been here every since . . . 7 years now.
A parent's job is to teach their children how to become strong adults, find their own identity and equip them to deal with the world on its own terms. . . not coddle and enable.
If SD wasn't getting married soon, my marriage would be over.