O/T-- Exes, Parents, Inlaws and Spouses/SO's
I have seen several post from people that their SO's family has pictures of BM up in the house and that they still have a relationship with BM. It is so hurtful to the new spouse to see all of this. I am at my wits end with a similar situation.
My family is one of "those" families. My dad insists on keeping a relationship with my exH. He has seen the abuse and been witness to the horrible things that my exH has put me through. I have told my dad how hurtful it is to see and hear all about this. I have expressed that it is very important to me that my dad try to create a relationship with my Fiance. My dad insists that he and my ex are friends and what happens between us is our problem... OK, I get that on some level. However, this situation is not normal or even remotely civil.
Everything came to a head last weekend when my I found out that while my mom was out of town my exH decided to spend his weekend with our kids at MY parents house. Seriously... they had a weekend together. I told my dad that this was the last straw and that he had to choose: Me, my soon to be husband, and our kids OR my exH. Guess what? I am the bad guy breaking up "the family".
My ex is the guy who threatened me with a gun. Harasses me so much at work that we have the building on lock down and if he steps foot on the property we have been instructed to call the cops. He has threatened to take my kids out of the country, he is so verbally abusive that my kids are still in weekly counseling. BUT having a relationship with him is the important one....
I don't get it, I am the bad guy. Sorry, I have just been in the e-mail wars with my whole family over this and am in tears. I don't have any where else to vent and if I call FDH all upset it will make it even harder for him to play nice with my family. He feels like they don't want him around as it is.... I just wish they could be happy that I have a loving man to spend my life with, that my kids have an amazing male role model in him and my FSS needs them too.
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Comments
I am so sorry. My XH did
I am so sorry. My XH did similar things, but at least he's gone now.
I want to say this as gently as possible... your dad is allowed to friend whomever he chooses. It doesn't sound like he's trying to force the relationship on you (no mention of XH being invited to holidays and such.) My ILs do this with BM. She's a wretched witch who's made life miserable and totally turned DH's kids against him.
Not only is her picture in the IL's house, she's there often. They're very close. She attends all holidays at their house.
It kinda sucks. I finally realized I cannot control others, and I wouldn't want others to control me. I'd suggest you withdrawn your ultimatum.
Look at it this way... your kids got to hang with grandpa!
There is no way I would stay
There is no way I would stay if my ex was invited to something that I was going to be at. My dad is the only one who doesn't get it though... I just don't understand...
He wasn't a good dad growing
He wasn't a good dad growing up, but not abusive. He really is a great grandfather though and my kids see them all the time. We literally live 1 1/2 miles down the road. Kids and grandparents see each other all the time. My mom is just torn and wants everyone happy. She is the type who just want to please everyone.
I just have to draw a line on this one. I won't keep the kids from grandparents but I wont participate in family event where I can't separate myself from my dad.
I don't understand some
I don't understand some families.
You gave your dad a choice. He chose- now let him lie in the bed he created.
It is sad, but if you exh is that crazy that your employer is on lock down- your family should be circling the wagons in protection.
Do what is right by you, his actions broke up the family not yours.
He is the one breaking up the
He is the one breaking up the family. Choose your daughter not her ex husband. That is the stupidest thing in the world. It would be different if I was some drugged out horrible mother but I am not. I am a damn good mom and all I want is to feel safe.
I am so very sorry. You
I am so very sorry. You know, when I went through my first divorce I had my mother blaming me. Mind you, she actually called and talked to my ex. Then when I ALLOWED HIM to come back, not to be with me, but because he didn't have a pot to piss in and needed financial help, I had my stupid mother telling me how "I should not hurt him". LOL I guess she forgot the time he beat me up and I had to call the cops and my friend from work came and took me out of our apartment. I guess she forgot all the money he STOLE from me. I guess she forgot how his brother and mother would come spend 2-3 months in OUR one bedroom apartment, I made 2-3x as much as him, but I had to pay for everything...and he ALLOWED his brother to call me a whor#$#@$ in MY home. I guess she forgot how his brother took his checks, bounced checks all over Texas and they came to get my husband and I had to pay for him to get out of jail and within days he was buddies with his brother again. I guess she forgot how he got his residency papers through me and within days of being granted permanent residency. I guess she forgot that his mother would come to my house and steal all the time and my husband would blame me. And then when she got caught stealing at Marshalls, I had to spend MY money to get her out and was still abused by them.
So what did I do? I told my mother to f#$%#$5 off. Period. I stopped going to her house. I made MY OWN life. When she called, I talked to her but I rarely went to her house except on very special occasions and only because of my sister, nieces, nephews, etc. being there. And I was single/lived on my own for 4 years and barely visited. I focused on me. And so, it happens to many of us. And YOU need to put your foot down. And once you do, you need to follow through. Period. If he was not abusive to you, etc. then I can see that it would be more difficult, but if he was, then really, you need to just let go and move on. I can assure you that after some months of you completely disengaging from them, they'll come around. If they don't, you go on with YOUR life.
Thank you! This is what I
Thank you! This is what I really needed to hear!
Unbelievable, they show more
Unbelievable, they show more loyalty to this arsehole than to you, their own daughter, I agree with herewegoagain, just cut them out of your life, maybe then they will see just how disgusting their behavior is? You must feel devastated, after what he did to you, they should not allow him in their house.
You would think... It really
You would think... It really is devastating. I am just feeling weighted down, crushed by it. I have a great relationship with my future inlaws though so at least I have them...
I think it's a terrible
I think it's a terrible betrayal. Your dad should be protective of you in this situation and at the least respect your wishes.
Thank you
Thank you
I really like that line, I
I really like that line, I will be sure to use it!
Dad must be getting something
Dad must be getting something out of this relationship with the ex.son in law. Makes me wonder if dad is hard up for friends. Does he think he is admired, or his self worth is elevated by having this ex family member in his life? Maybe this ex family member is good at making your dad feel like a more important, better person, knowing how to stroke dad's ego so he can keep his foot in the door.
My first thought on what is your ex husband getting out of keeping himself in the family loop--- information on what is going on in your life or any other information dad is stupid enough to pass on during the usual guy chat. Men can often be the worst at gossip or running their mouths simply because they have the floor [attention] for the moment.
And that is exactly what it
And that is exactly what it is. My ex knew that me and my dad never had a great relationship to start so he preyed on the "weakest link". He takes everything my dad tells him and flips it on me.
For example: I got accepted into the grad school that I really wanted to be in. My dad lets that slip to the ex not knowing that I have to wait another year to start. My ex starts a text war on how I need to go now because I am so worthless and he doesn't want my kids to think that being a bookkeeper is a good enough profession (keep in mind, I make an ok salary, have insurance and a 401K). SERIOUSLY, I GOT HARASSED ABOUT GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL! Things just never stop with my ex, he always has to be stirring something up.