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I’m Over It All

OverwhelmedOne's picture

Submitted by OverwhelmedOne on Thu, 06/16/2022 - 10:56pm

I've been married for 8 years, known my husband and SS for 11 years, we have 3 bio kids, and I don't think I can do this step mom thing anymore. The first 9 years were fine. Visitation during summers and every other major holiday. But since fall of 2020 we've (I've) had him full time. My husband is in the army and leaves a lot, he doesn't do much when he's here anyways (I swear he has a gaming addiction) and I'm a stay at home mom. My stepson from the beginning has been very sneaky, manipulative and lies frequently. He hits, belittles, and pretty much bullies my 6yo and 3yo and has done so since he started living with us. I've tried EVERYTHING! I've told him his behaviors are unacceptable (in both gentle and firm ways), I've had my husband talk with him, I've had him go to counseling and still, 2 years later, nothing has changed. And now my 6yo is bullying the 3yo and the 3yo is mistreating my 6mo. Everything I've seen my SS do to my 6yo is being mimicked by the 6yo. For example,  my SS (11yo) HATES school and has a mental breakdown every time he has to do homework or read or anything that isn't playing video games, and now my 6yo, although he's good with school work, decides to throw temper tantrums the same way. Or my SS elbows my 6yo off of him whenever he gets close and now the 6 yo is doing it. My SS has hit the 6yo in the face on various occasions (I've watched on nannycams I have in the house) and now my 6yo is smacking his sister in the face. I could literally go on and on. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a crappy mom for allowing my SS to bully his siblings in their own home and even though I do try to deter the actions it doesn't help. He's with BM for the summer and I truly don't want him to come back. My marriage is already shaky so I know I can't tell my husband I don't want him to come back. I have no clue what to do. I'm really ready to end my marriage to hopefully keep my kids away from it all (my husband is narcissistic af but that's a whole other story). I'm over it and wish I never got myself in this situation to begin with. 

Comments

reedle2021's picture

Submitted by reedle2021 on Fri, 06/17/2022 - 6:41am

I would put my biological children's safety and wellbeing first.  SS sounds like a major problem and he's influencing the others. I know how hard it is to tell DH that his child is a problem - there's always the possibility of DH leaving.  But, for your own sanity and for the sake of your kids, I think it's important to let DH know how you feel about the situation.  Plus, I don't think it's fair for you to be the sole caretaker of his kid.  I agree with Mamabear - I would not allow SS to return to the house.  DH can see him on his own time, elsewhere. 

Please take care of yourself - keep us posted...

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 06/17/2022 - 10:24am

If DH cannot effect change in SS, and cannot support you in your efforts you MUST rain holy heck on this kid. Make it painful. You have your hands full with so many young children. I think you probably need some outside help. And kids know when and where they can get away with things.

SS obviously does. Have you tried taking things away? Make him write sentences? Nothing works and he is probably encouraged by BM to cause havoc. Probabl rewarded.

I dont know your entire situation, but if you are at this point I would carefully and cautiously get your ducks in a row. Get legal counsel. Find out what your options are. If you want to tell DH "its him or us"  at least prepare yourself for him to choose him.

OverwhelmedOne's picture

Submitted by OverwhelmedOne on Fri, 06/17/2022 - 4:01pm

Yea, I've tried taking things away (video games, tv time, toys, outside time), writing sentences, doing nothing but math problems, doing workouts as punishment, and he changes for a couple minutes then back at it again. And yes, I've overheard his conversations with his mom and she just says she did the same with her siblings. It's dumb. 
But yes, I agree. I just got a job and I'm now trying to get my life somewhat in order so just in case. I'm okay with whatever outcome as long as my kids are okay. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 06/17/2022 - 10:46am

Why do you have your SS full-time? I don't understand why you have him so much when his father isn't often there.

I suggest you see a lawyer about your rights in a divorce. Things may not be as bad as you think (child support, spousal support, etc.).

About your DH's addiction. See if the military cannot help with that - treatment, therapy, and so on. He really needs to man up and start looking after his son. Or send him back to his mother ...

OverwhelmedOne's picture

Submitted by OverwhelmedOne on Fri, 06/17/2022 - 4:11pm

His mom decided she needed a break in 2020. She then decided she didn't want him back other than for summer break (never gave a reason). And my husband has never been very involved with the kids. Everything falls on me and it's just a lot. In my dream world, my husband would get his stuff together, BM would keep her son, and I could work on getting my kids on a good track. 

I'm working on getting things together because I'm tired of being unhappy, unappreciated, and overworked. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 06/17/2022 - 4:41pm

Who could blame you? You are being the unpaid babysitter for two parents who can't be bothered raising their child. I hope she isn't getting child support and that she is paying YOU child support.