No time for Madre...
So last Sunday before BF and I had to take SS4 back to his BM's, BF siad he had to go meet up with a soon to be new business partner "just for a couple hours", said he'd be back before 2pm and we'd all spend some time together before we had to take SS4 back at 4:30pm... No surprise he doesn't get home till 4:00pm and has to rush around and find something to eat before we leave.
I hate going with him to drop SS off, mainly because it's a 4 hour round trip. Because of my medical condition sitting for that long makes me really sore. But I don't want my BF to be lonely, so I almost always go. He hardly talks to me the whole way. Says he's "thinking about stuff". Fine. Whatever.
Anyway, most of the week flies by with us barely spending any time together. Saturday he says he's gonna go see his Grandparents and has a little work to do, but after that we'd have the whole evening together. OK, great! Sounds good! Doesn't happen. He doesn't get home till nearly 9pm from his grandparents, and stays up working till about 12.
Oh well, who cares! we've got all day Sunday, outofplace! No need to be upset! I wake up Sunday to find him already awake and getting dressed. I ask what's up... "well, I'm going to Starbucks with (name of new business partner) after all!"
He's been gone almost 3 hours now, and I'd bet my ass it'll be several more before he's back. So today is gonna pass by, and then most of the week will, till SS4 comes Thursday and then I will have to take care of him till the weekend, then BF will take over and continue to ignore me.
I'm starting to think he enjoys yanking my chain, and leaving me hanging. I'm so ready to pack up...
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Comments
Sorry to hear you're dealing
Sorry to hear you're dealing with this!
First things first - it isn't okay for him to say 2:00 pm and then waltz in at 4:00 pm with no explanation or phone call that he would be later. I'm not saying every errand or outing of his needs to be controlled by you, because that's not right either. I'm just saying that's bad communication on his part to tell you a certain time and make plans, and then show up much beyond that. I'm sure he could have phoned and at least let you know. The same goes for his Grandparents - the guy needs to be more communicative about what's going on.
The bigger issue is making plans with you and then tossing them so casually. That's a problem and it shows your relationship is not much of a priority in his mind.
I'm not sure what medical condition it is, but if it's painful to sit for that long, don't go. I wouldn't feel too bad if you make yourself go to keep him company and he doesn't speak anyway. -shrug- Some people are talkative in the car and others are not, and that's fine, but if he is someone who doesn't talk much in the car, he may as well take that trip by himself, IMO. It isn't worth you putting yourself in a position where you'll be sore just so he can sit next to you for 4 hours.
I have to ask, when the weeks go by without SS, and you aren't spending time together, what are you both doing? Do you work at the same time? Opposite schedules? What I would suggest is try to plan evenings together ahead of time more specifically (eg "Sunday afternoon we're going to do x, so don't make plans.") so it might be a little more solidified. Maybe he feels like he can change his plans with you easily because there's nothing concrete about what's going to happen. I would suggest sitting him down, not during an argument or when one of you is already stressed, but at a good time and telling him how these things make you feel and what you would like to see change. Let him know you aren't accusing him of doing it intentionally, but it is hurtful and says that your relationship doesn't have enough value to put the time in. A relationship like this, if unchanged, cannot last.
Whether he means to or not, he's almost treating you like someone to play mommy to SS4 without wanting to put the effort into the rest of your relationship.
I totally agree, Syn. It's
I totally agree, Syn. It's not ok. And I definitely let him know where I stand. He just keeps saying we need to work on things, and we can get through this, we're worth it blah blah blah. It's not gonna work if you don't have the frickin time to talk to me for 10 gosh darn minutes!
I got laid off and currently spend all day looking for a job. So, my schedule is wide open for him right now, but he can't seem to find the time for me.
Pfft, he's the one not
Pfft, he's the one not working on it, by the sounds of it.
If your schedule is that open right now, there's really no excuse. It's time for him to make the time, make some concrete plans and stick to them.
how do you know he is not
how do you know he is not cheating?
He's not a cheater, (famous
He's not a cheater, (famous last words :P) I've seen his emails and texts with his new business partner, and his grandparents. I know he was there doing what he said he was doing. Sounds crazy, but I can tell he loves me a lot despite this.
This has been happening ever since he got into co-founding a company, which I understand takes a lot of time. I can respect that, and him for tying to make something out of his life. I just wish he stuck to what he says. If the work is gonna take all night, THEN TELL ME THAT! Don't have me expecting to spend a nice quiet evening together.
Also, usually when he's working he's here at the house. So he's not really "out of my sight" that often.
you get the respect and
you get the respect and treatment you allow. period.
sure you can...it is called
sure you can...it is called having consequences for their actions. she is being a doormat and complainging about it...but what has she done as a consequence to his disrespect? nada.
Thanks for the back up
Thanks for the back up steperg.
I agree that you teach people how to treat you, but she's waltzing in here like she's got my life figured out by reading one post. Puh-leeeease!
i guess you can just sit back
i guess you can just sit back and see if he changes his behavior based on your threat. it would be better to analyze why he felt he could treat you like that to begin with...but this is the way you are going and it is your life.
Wow. You are an incredibly
Wow. You are an incredibly disrespectful person, which is surprising since you like to throw around the saying that you teach people how to treat you. Maybe you should sit back an analyze why you're so critical of strangers, and think you've got them figure out based on a few paragraphs.
just calling it like i see
just calling it like i see it. that is all. you did not get to this place in your relationship out of nowhere...sometimes it is worth the reflection to see what the path to now was.
Excuse me? You have no idea
Excuse me? You have no idea what I've done. I talked to him today about it, and told him it needed to change pronto or I'm packing up by the end of this week. And if you haven't noticed, this is a venting site aka "complaining". I'm sure you've done plenty of it yourself.
My excuse me comment was for
My excuse me comment was for folkmom.
You don't think he's cheating
You don't think he's cheating on you?? All the signs are there.
Yes, I'm sure. Like I said,
Yes, I'm sure. Like I said, most of the work he does is at home. I can see his computer screen, I have total access to his phone. He's not gone often. It just feels like it since I can't bother him while he's working.
And when he is out of the
And when he is out of the house, his pocket accidentally calls me all the time and I can clearly hear him and his business partner talking. And his grandparents talk about him coming over on facebook. So I know he was there.
I also don't see someone who
I also don't see someone who is cheating. -shrug- If you look at events out of context, it can look like the signs but it looks like there is a lot of trust between them (and good for them, as trust is an ESSENTIAL part of any good relationship) and there's a lot of openness about what he's doing. Good for outofplace for not jumping to conclusions. That's not to say everyone's situation is that way, some would be cheating, but I think it's unfair for us to place judgement on whether or not someone is cheating when none of us know this person except the OP.
I just see someone who cares, but is doing very a poor job of prioritizing and designating his time.
I agree that he shouldn't say he'll be done at a certain if he knows he won't be. Let him know you'd rather know if he's going to run late than have him tell you a time you want to hear that he knows he won't make. At least that way you'll know what's going on, even if you are a little ticked about it. It's a lot easier to get over being annoyed at how late he'll be than it is to expect him at a certain time and then be kept waiting around, having no idea what's going on and THEN having him come home late, IMO. If he genuinely expects to be home at the time he says he will be and things end up running longer, he should really start giving you a call or even a text to let you know what's up (assuming he isn't doing that already).
I do think maybe making the specific plans, even if all it is is watching a movie together, might feel more concrete to him and therefore he won't feel like your plans are as open to change. Worth a try, anyway, I guess.
I love you, Syn! lol! You
I love you, Syn! lol! You seem like a real sweetheart, and definitely get where I'm coming from. I agree, I do need to set things in stone. Remind him that he told me he would be home at a certain time, for sure. Thanks for the support!
Best of luck, honey!
Thanks! Yeah, like I said I
Thanks! Yeah, like I said I totally understand his lack of time for me right now. But I won't accept the disrespect.