I dont know that I like my step kids
Ok for the last four years I have been raising my step kids, the BM has nothing to do with them doesn't pay child support and barely calls and my husband is a soldier so he spends large chunks of time gone. All three SK moved into my 2 bedroom apartment 7 days after my wedding, so I have never had the chance to live with my husband without his kids everywhere. Over the last 4 years I have tried desperately to convince myself that I love these kids, and maybe a part of me does, but they annoy the living hell out of me. They won't listen to the simplest rules, they refuse to talk about whats wrong with them and my oldest SS has Aspergers and is a complete nightmare, he spends his life in another universe. I don't know if I am the worst person on the face of the earth for saying this out loud but almost daily I wish that it was just my husband and my own children living in my house. Unfortunately their BM is a meth head basket case so the notion of them living with her or her family is out of the question, so I am basically stuck with them till they all turn 18. I feel like I have given up my life for them, when we got married I was on my way to law school and now Im a stay at home Mom which I absolutely hate, is there some magic cure that I dont know about to making your step kids less irritating?
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Been there and done that..you
Been there and done that..you are not alone or crazy!!! I only have two Skids and the SD has Aspergers and anxiety. DH and I married then Skids moved in and my mother moved in too, that was due to a house fire. I became so alone but wanted to be alone and ended up with drawing and started thinking that I was going crazy. It can be a vicious cycle and there are some things that you can do which for me has been a life saver. Please keep in mind that they are not your kids so the harder you try, the worse it can get. Good communication with your DH, healthy friends or family, this site of course, and boundaries have been of great help for me. Its easier IMO to know that I love my Skids but I also accept that I can't fix their problems unless its them wanting the help. This would be a good time for you to start a hobby or exercise and allow yourself something you can focus on that is positive for you. It can be tricky getting breaks even just to go take a walk but it really does help.
I really think the key is
I really think the key is finding some way to step away from the situation, and find time for you. The fact is, they're not your kids and I think there is a part of us as stepmoms, we are shown that fact in many ways on daily basis, of course that tears down our levels of patience and tolerance bit by bit.
What about a local, community mental health place? Would they have programs to offer that will provide respite care for your stepson with Aspbergers? I used to do that as a job, basically I would take a child with autism out and about or I would go to their home and stay with them while the parents went and did something for themselves. Also, what about setting up some counseling for yourself? I will tell you, just having someone validate your feelings, that you aren't evil or bad, that you don't know...is an amazing feeling. I went to one session after a really bad couple of months where I felt JUST like you are feeling, walked all over, like I don't really have any connection with my skids, wondering why I put myself in this situation, etc... and just one session changed so much of my perspective on things and I have felt so much better in general since then.
I feel for you, that your husband isn't there to share the parental responsibilities with you. You need help, and he needs to recognize that. He may not be able to be there physically, but he should try to find SOMEONE in his family maybe that can help you out here and there? Let you get out of the house for some "me" time??