The dreaded joint birthday party
I'm sure most of you all have been through this one, but it's a new one to me. Having read a lot of trials and tribulations about the joint birthday party ordeal, I pretty much know what we're in for. I'm not going, of course, due to the restraining order. I know that BF isn't just "caving" because he feels guilty - he's perfectly capable of not going as he has illustrated the entire time we've been together and even before that. So I'm not jealous or insecure (and far from disappointed) that he's made the decision to go. I'm just trying to gear up to be loving and supportive when he comes home and recounts the disaster that took place.
He's going with his mom, so he won't be totally alone. He's said that he will try to stay as far away from BM as possible, but it being at her house and considering the past I don't think that will happen. She decided to show up at his grandfather's funeral after they got divorced and spent the whole day hounding him and complaining to all of the other guests how he was treating her. Instead of grieving over his grandfather's death he spent the entire day pissed off because she made it all about her.
I really do hope that everything goes well and that she doesn't take his attendance as a sign that he's still in love with her (ok yeah, wishful thinking on my part I know...this woman doesn't need "signs" she just makes it all up on her own), but I'm trying to stay realistic. In a way I'm glad that I don't get to go but in a way I'm also kind of upset because I would like to be able to stand by him, support him, show my love for SS, and most importantly let my and his actions show HER that he's there for SS, not for HER!
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What???
Joint b-day??? Fortunately, I have never ever had to deal the "joint" b-day. I feel for you. HARDCORE. Have you guys ever thrown a seperate b-day party for the child? My husband and I were once invited to SS b-day party thrown by the BM, but we politely declined being as how we already arranged one for him, including DH's family members. That way we have avoided MUCH drama as well as sideways glances, whispers, and so on. Seperate parties ensure that BM can't and won't be able to pull her shit during such an important event. Those trials and tribulations could and should be avoided. It ain't one big happy family anymore! Esp. if she has a RO against you!!! You must be a very strong woman! Bless your heart!
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha
No way in hell~
Would you catch either one of us at a JOINT anything. It was hard enough going to his preschool graduation and we sat across the room from one another. And to twist a funeral like that... what a horrid woman. Although when DH's grandma died last year, BM pulled the same~ it was all about her and how much she had "sacraficed" in the past for his grandma (his grandma was the biggest crack head of all of them and BM's major sacrafice was having to share her weed with her) how she is the one that should be there at her bedside while she goes... BLAH BLAH BLAH BARF.:barf:
Anyways, luck to you... sorry you have to deal with this.
Daddys Gurl-
Life is as sweet as you sweeten it.
OMFG!!!
THAT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD, I ALMOST PEED A LITTLE!!! NOT THE SITUATION, BUT LADY YOU GOT A WAY WITH WORDS! LOL!
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha
Don't be sorry!
I'm not...I just really hope that it goes well and with as little drama as possible. I know that won't be the case, but oh well. BF should know better too but he's willing to give it a shot and see how it goes.
I guess it's not really a "joint" birthday party because BM is the one who is actually throwing it, and BF is just an attendee. But at any rate, it should be interesting. I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Before Dh and I got together
Before Dh and I got together he attended a party bday party thrown by her mom and was misriable but the party was only a couple of months after they has split and she was still leading him on big time. This year we took it upon ourselves to throw her a small party at our house with DH family and mine of course since SD is now a part of our entire family. It worked out much better and she thought it was cool she got to have 2 parties meaning twice the presents and twice the cake.
DH would never attend another joint party and put him self or SD through that. Kids can feel the awkardness when both parents are together or worse yet give her false hope of Mommy and Daddy getting back together.
Live for today,you may not have a tommorow
RE:
I know exactly what you mean with the kids getting false hope. I don't know if SS feels that way (I'm sure at least in some small way that he does, since he's a kid and that's natural for a kid to feel that way about their parents) but I think the problem will lie more with BM. I'm trying to think positive but I'm a realist at heart and I see this going down the toilet very fast. However every time I try to give my opinion or knowledge from my experience as a step kid, no one listens to me our counts it as valid because it's not MY kid or MY ex... So I've decided to just sit back and be supportive when the train wreck makes its way home after the party. This is a lesson he's going to have to learn on his own anyway so I'll just have to let him learn. I just feel so bad because I know what'll come of it.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I vote No
I've done it and can honestly say...I truly don't see any reason for celebrating the child's birthday together. The only things we have to attend and celebrate together are their weddings, graduations and religious milestones... things that can't be celebrated on another day. I'm sorry you aren't attending. You should be there regardless of any restricting order.
PS
Nymph - what is your opinion of this AS a stepkid???
My opinion as a step kid
As a step kid looking at this situation from personal experience - I would never have wanted my parents to be together for any of my special days.
They made each other miserable!
And that made ME miserable. I hated seeing the two people that I loved and cared for most in the world so upset. And when I was really young, I personalized those feelings. I felt like they were upset because they both loved me so much but they couldn't agree on how they would show me that love. So that in turn, in my seven-year-old mind, made it MY fault.
SS is in basically the same situation that my father was in when he divorced my mother. My mother poisoned our minds against our father and did everything she could to get us to hate him. It worked on my sister - she just turned 18 and she doesn't want to have anything to do with him. It didn't work on me...but the product of my sister is what BM wants for SS. So I can see the situation from his standpoint and really empathize with how he feels because I really have been there. No one else in this situation has, but of course like I said they don't listen to me because it's not my child and not my ex.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
We've never had a joint anything...
and never will. I mean, we've gone to school events, but that's where we sat here and she sat waaaayyyyy over there. There was no intermingling. The only time I think will be a 'joint' event will be my SS's wedding, but we have a long time before that...
Personally, I don't think BF should go, but instead you all plan something spectacular for SS... but that's me. To me, having BF even attending sends a message to an already unstable delusional personality challenged person. I just think it's a bad idea. Hang in there girl.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
You are a strong woman Nymph...
My husban's ex did the same thing to dh when his own dad died.... dh was dating a new gal (not me) and the bb showed up right after dh's dad died and began harassing eveyone for information on the new girlfriend. My mil has hated her ever since....
As for you Nymph.... you are one strong and supportive woman to be okay with dh going to that bitch's house for anything.... we have totally seperate parties, seperate EVERYTHING because if you put either dh or I in the same room with the ex.... well lets just say it wouldn't be pretty.
Is it mixed messages even if they are amicable?
I mean, my DH and his ex aren't enemies...Is that worse when the kids see them in the same room knowing they never ever fight!!
My ex and I get along great BUT...my daughter remembers when we were together..she is glad we are divorced. Idon't know if his kids feel that way at all. I doubt it.
In the beginning
Before DH and I were married, he went to a b-day party BM threw and since I was at work, which was her plan, he went alone. I got off work before the party ended and the phone is ringing as I walk through the door, thinking it might be then BF, I answer w/o looking at the caller ID and it's actually BM telling me all about how she and then BF had sex and so on. Come to find out from more than one source, this wasn't true. Just goes to show you what BM's will try to do to ruin a relationship. Now he would never go anywhere with her alone.
~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~
We do joint birthday parties
Every year. SD likes them (I think) and it's our one time when we put on a good face and celebrate her day. Not that there isn't drama behind-the-scenes. And to be frank, I loath the time I have to spend in BM's presence. But I do it for SD.
One strategy that I used this year that worked well: I took control. I arranged the venue, suggested a good theme, bought some of the gear, and worked on the invite list with SD -- then handed the list to the BM and told her she could take it from there. I think it caught BM off-guard, and she was definitely a bit passive aggressive (arrived 20 minutes late with the bday girl.) but I realized I'm happier playing offense than defense. And SD had a ball.
What about this situation?
What about a BM who wants to do dinners with her kids, their father (her ex), and their stepmom once a month? Am I (the stepmom) crazy to think this is crazy?
Depends on the relationship...
For me, it's a little much, and being that BM1 was very, there's just no other way to say it, b!tchy towards me, there is no way in hell that I will ever circum to that today. Even now that she has 'turned her life around', no way. But...
There are several families that get along fabulously and are one great big happy family. I know a few personally that go out and take vacations together, the two families intermingle great and are supportive with each other. I don't know the back ground as to way the two bioparents separated, but I do know that they at least get along for 'the sake of the kids', and the two women are best of friends. It is weird to me, only because the relationship I have with my two BMs, is welll... nasty. Well, one was nasty, always in some competition with me, and the other one is insecure, naive.
So, I suppose it all depends on the relationship you have with her.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...