Another Heartbreaking Update
I don't have long, because I have to start getting ready for work soon...but I've got a lot of stuff that I need to get off my chest.
First I'll start with the interesting things we've learned over visitation so far:
SS does not know how to brush his own teeth. He doesn't brush his teeth at home. Apparently when SS was little he used to gag on the toothbrush, so BM never made him learn how to brush. She gives him "vitamins" to help his teeth be strong. BF had to brush SS's teeth for him the other day, and is teaching him how to do it on his own so that he'll at least do it when he's here.
SS does not know how to wash his own hair. BF was sitting on the commode talking to SS while he was taking a bath, and told him it was time to wash his hair. SS kind of looked at him funny for a minute, then took the soap and started rubbing it over his hair. BF asked him if that's how he washed his hair at home and he said "well we're out of shampoo..." How long have they been out of shampoo? Because this kid had no idea how to use it. BF had to put it on his head and show him how to scrub his scalp and rinse it off and everything. In the middle of this BF called me upstairs and told me to bring a camera. The poor boy had dirt caked on his head from where he didn't know how to wash it. We took pictures of it.
One of BM's big reasons to not let BF have visitation in the first place during the divorce was that he didn't know SS's medication schedule. Considering this, I sent her an email asking if she could send us the schedule so that we'd all know he was getting his meds like he should. Her response was "My son can administer his own meds." So why was it such a big deal before?
Then, last night BM called SS on his cell and was having him tell me things. BF was upstairs on the phone. SS told me something that I don't remember and I asked him if I could please speak to her. I told her that if she had something to say to me, she needed to say it to me and not make her son say it. She started screaming at me, so I hung up the phone. Of course, it rang again. SS gave me the phone and she was screaming. I told her that this is not a conversation that I was going to have in front of SS, and that we could talk about it later. I hung up on her screaming again. She called back again and told SS to tell me to go to HELL. I asked for the phone and told her that she really needed to think of what kind of an impact her actions were going to have, and hung up again as she started screaming. I gave the phone to BF and told him that he needed to answer it the next time it rang, so he did. She immediately started screaming at him, I mean literally this woman was screaming so loud we could hear her downstairs, completely incomprehensible words and then hung up on him, so he turned off the phone for a few minutes. WELL! That's a criminal offense, don't you know...she went and called the Sheriff's department and sent us a few emails saying things were going to get nasty since her son's phone was turned off. I called the Sheriff's when we found that out and they told me I had nothing to worry about, that the cellphone wasn't mentioned in the divorce so she couldn't do anything about us turning it off. PHEW! So she calls back a little later and keeps SS on the phone for over an hour. BF and I were talking downstairs and I realized that SS was upstairs going through our closets for her again! I told this to BF so he went upstairs to sit with SS through the rest of the conversation. She, of course, started speaking to BF through SS again. Eventually they got off the phone. I've never seen a boy more relieved than when he hung up. OH! And at the end of this whole long meltdown, which started at about 8:00 and lasted until almost midnight, she had the nerve to tell SS to tell us that on the NEXT overnight, bedtime was to be at 8:30 and NOT 11:05. WTF? You're the one that kept him on the phone for almost four hours!
BF, SS, and I sat down and talked about if SS wanted things to stay this way, or if he wanted them to get fixed. BF explained to SS that fixing it would mean him coming to live with us. SS is REALLY thinking about that now. BF talked with him about what all would change if he lived with us...schools, friends, etc. He is going to take SS to his laywer this morning to talk about what we need to do to get SS, and have SS talk to them about things that go on at BM's house, what she puts him through when he's here, and I think he's going to try to have DHS/DCS (don't know which it is) to go out and report how nasty her house is and that it's a health hazard to SS.
My nerves are so shot. It took me over an hour to get to sleep last night, and my stomach is in knots. BF and I hugged and cried last night as SS was downstairs playing the Nintendo. My heart just breaks for this poor child.
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Comments
Nymh
Have you guys thought about turning off the cell phone after 8:00 p.m.? I understand that bm's should be able to call once per day to talk to their children during overnight visits, but this is pure harrassment torwards you guys, and complete torture to this poor kid.
In our parenting plan, it spelled out exactly when the other parent could call to speak to child, and when the parent that has the child must make that child available to accept the phone calls. Unless you have that spelled out, you don't have to let her talk to him over the phone whenever she wants, in fact you don't have to let her at all. If you were to deny her 100% contact through the phone, a judge will not be impressed, however, if you let her have contact once per day, that is all she needs to satisfy the courts. Remember somthing, unless it is spelled out in the paperwork she isn't entitled to it. Just b/c she says she is entitled to x, doesn't mean it is so.
My suggestion to you is to take the cell phone from ss when he is at your house, and unplug your home phones for 23 hours everyday that ss is with you. Have ss call his mother once per day to say hi, and let him talk for 10 minutes, that is it. You are not required by law to allow her to keep him on the phone for 4 hours. Give her 10 minutes, have ss say goodbye, take the phone and hang up. End of story, and there is nothing, I mean NOTHING she can do to you if you deny all but one phone call per day to her son.
My dh only got two phone calls per week...that's it, for mom's it is a different story, the courts will give her one phone call per day, and they want the child to be able to call their mothers whenever they want, but they will not grant her 500 phone calls per day.
I know you guys must feel at a loss b/c she threatens you guys at the drop of a pin, but the law isn't going to be in her favor over this. If a judge had the opportunity to hear how she is using him, he probably would force her to take a psych eval.
RE:
We have thought about turning the phone off at certain periods, actually BF plans on letting SS call BM once in the morning and once at night, then turning the phone off for the rest of the time. Unfortunately, you see what we have to deal with when we DO shut off the phone (this woman calls the police at least once a day about us lately!).
BF is supposed to be talking to his attorney today with SS about what's been going on. In the parenting plan, it states that when BF claims a legal residence, the plan will then be subject to modification. He said he's going to tell them he's claiming a residence, and he wants SS and needs to know what we need to do to get him. This child does not deserve to be going through this. I told BF last night that I don't know how he handles it only being 8 years old. (To answer Janice's other question, the mom is 37.)
We want it put in the plan that they are allowed only one or two at the most phone calls a day, so that she can't legally continue to harrass us like this. She is so quick to point out these legal repercussions that she makes up for our actions which in the real world don't even exist, that I don't think she realizes that she could be causing herself some very serious trouble with what she's doing.
I just hope the meeting with the attorney goes well. I can't stand seeing her abuse SS like this. BF and I are adults, but no 8 year old should have to endure their own mother forcing them to tell someone to go to hell!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Have you mentioned to the
Have you mentioned to the police about how she wants to talk to your SS past 11 o'clock at night for the main purpose of manipulating him into acts of parental alienation? I feel that she's digging her own hole...any reasonable authority would see that it is harrassment and harmful to SS's emotional well-being. That's part of a parenting plan too. You have every right to do what it takes to set healthy boundaries...her threats are another attempt at a power trip. There's no reason SS needs to speak to her for over an hour when he's at your place, and especially when it is not an emergency or a simple "checking in" conversation, so putting limits on the phone calls so that she can't talk as much is not something I think she could actually get you in trouble for. Let us know if you get a custody modification hearing soon....good wishes for you all *hugs*
How did the meeting with the attorney go?
How did the meeting with the attorney go yesterday? My thoughts are with you, your BF and especially your SS. My heart goes out to that little boy. Please let us know how things went!
My SD goes through the same insanity with her mother. I got her a book called "Stepliving for Teens" for Christmas (which happens to be recommended for kids 8 and up, so it would be appropriate for SS) and it has a chapter in it on the kid setting boundaries with the jealous parent who badmouths the other parent/stepparent, demands to know the every detail of what goes on in the other household, uses the kid as a pawn to hurt the other parent, etc. The book explains very well that this is inappropriate behavior and it helps the kid learn how to deal. So the next time BM tells SS to tell his dad to go to hell, he will be armed with what to say: Mom, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I will not be your messenger and I wish you wouldn't put me in the middle of your adult problems.
I highly recommend this book.
All I can say is I am so sorry...
Wow... The poor little boy.. 8 years old and has to listen to a woman who is 37 act like she is a teenager. Wow.. How sad for him! Again here is a mother who is using her son and once again you have a child who is actually more mature then his mother.
I have no advice to you except that getting this child maybe the very best thing for him. He is still young enough to have a chance at some stability. His mother to me sounds very unstable. Not only that its almost like she has no life.. In fact that is exactly what it is.
I sometimes think that people who often want the divorce do not think it totally thru. What I mean by that is that some woman think that the grass is greener on the other side, but fail to realize that when you have children its more then just splitting and then you take your child and say goodbye forever, or the fact that you no longer have a hold on the other parent and then they meet someone else and its like a crime.. Which it should not be. It took me 3 years to contemplate my divorce and two kids later. But I have no regrets and never did.. Therefore he was free to move on without all the rantings and childish behavior especially for moving on. I could not be happier for him. I moved on and so should he. He should grow old with someone too. I am sorry I am rambling.. My point is that I see some of you ladies on here with similar problems and it saddens me to think of that when if the BP / BM would just deal with the consequences a divocre brings they might actually have a chance at a decent life and eventually relationship. Does that make sense???
Sorry so long..
Happy
The scenario you discribe
The scenario you discribe above was hubby's situation to a tee..only you can add x's hopes for never-ending spousal support....right down to blowing all of the house money on lawyer fees for nonsense..she could've used as a SUBSTANTIAL downpayment on a little place for herself.
...........she is very bitter.....After catching her at the first couple affairs and not leaving her....she figured he'd never leave her. And even after he told her it was over and he wanted a divorce. She had the nerve to say..."I'll give you a divorce but can we still live together?"
She didn't want to give up the nice house, nice car, her supper waiting for her on the table everyday, someone to raise her kids...all while she played the field like a single woman...it was very obvious she wasn't interested in a 'marriage'...just the perks that went along with it........
She could've caused us much more greif over a much longer period of time...if the kids were younger...because of her bitterness..but we were very united in NOT TOLERATING any BS from her. WE ignored her for the most part..and dealt with her throught the courts/lawyer. She sooooo wanted to engage us and cause turmoil...for that reason we wouldn't give the satisfaction of getting caught up in her drama..
Quick Update
BF took SS to his lawyer yesterday and they talked with the secretaries for a bit. He showed them a picture that we took of SS's head and the dirt that we found caked on it due to him not knowing how to wash his hair and BM never teaching him. They told him "this is good..." He's back over there right now to meet with his lawyer. I hope he comes back with good news.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Stay positive
Nymh I hope you can stay positive in all of this, but I want to forewarn you not to get too optimistic. We had a letter from a dentist stating that ss at the age of 6 had 3 rotting teeth in his mouth that was infecting his jaw bone and spreading to his other teeth. In my state, that is not considered neglect, when to the rest of the world it clearly is.
One tooth was so bad it was all black. When bm was confronted, she blamed ss for not brushing his teeth...when she just wasn't parenting him.
Stay positive, and I'm hoping for the best for this little boy!
Candice
Keep us posted, Nymh...
The situation you describe is so clearly neglect. I don't know how anyone could see it any other way. This little one is so lucky to have you guys. I hope you can get primary custody and I also hope the authorities will get her to clean up her act before she's allowed to have him for overnights. No child should have to live like that.
~ Anne ~
Just getting to the tail end here...
Whew! I tell you... this is crazy. I feel for you. I know that there is alot of stress going on, so I would like to think you try to relax as best you can. Take a deep breath, take a nice warm bubble bath... with your honey for kicks... and know that we support you.
I feel for you, I really do. Keep us posted.