Here we go

BM has now received notice from CS that it's ending early (the last payment is in the mail actually). Yay for us!

But she was not happy.

Her response was to email DH a barage of demands and questions. All the suddent she started demanding a car for SS and to know what DH plans to contribute to college costs. Their plans for college change with the winds, so he wasn't planning to pay anything. Her email was full of "woe is me/us (BM & SS)" type things about him not having a car and him struggling with all the changes going on and it being so hard because she starts a new job soon and how will SS get to college and work if she is at work all day.

My DH offered SS his old car (a 2006 simple sedan) a few years ago and he declined. SS wanted a brand new truck or a fancy sportscar, he said. He also made fun of my daughter who had just bought her first car on her own. He made fun of it because it was a Kia Rio and "Kias suck". It was just a few days after he turned down my DH's offer of his old car. DH decided at that moment that he would not buy SS a car unless SS contributed at least 50% of the cost by working for it.

I guess she has nothing legally she can do about CS ending (and I am certain she called them to check and to throw a fit), so instead she's resorting to guilt and woe is me stuff. DH replied inquiring about student aid and pointing out that since she's been out of work for almost a year, SS should qualify for significant student aid. So he is holding firm at this point. We may end up paying something for his tuition at some point, but there will be no living expenses or extras or car. DH is adamant about that.

He hasn't told SS or BM yet, but at the next open enrollment he will be dropping SS from his health insurance. It's almost $700 a month to insure him through work. There are many other options that would be cheaper.

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The kid can go without a car

The kid can go without a car and college, but the health insurance is a sticky matter. Do you mean there are other options to which your husband will contribute for SS to have health insurance?

If he's dropping the health insurance with no plan in mind to replace it, won't SS likely go without insurance? Is your husband prepared for that risk? Here's how it would be: you save $700 a month. Then SS breaks a leg and no one is going to let him just have a broken leg without care. One broken leg would suck up that $8400 annual savings in no time, plus a whole lot more.

I'm suggesting that unless you actually have a plan for SS to be covered, he will probably go without. If he goes without, the only way your husband won't be on the hook for a catastrophic health crisis is if he's totally ready to turn his back on his kid's health.

Be sure you think that through really well!

He can always apply for state

He can always apply for state coverage as a student. Sure to be less than $700 per month.

As i said above,

There are many options available to them that would be cheaper. His work happens to not cover any dependents, but they cover employees quite well. So continuing to cover young adult SS becomes a very expensive proposition.

My DH won't be on the hook for another adult's healthcare costs. He will be covering him while he's still 18 but after that (when open enrollment comes around), that's it. College insurance, ACA, private insurance would all be cheaper and have better deductibles. We looked at it and had him on a $134 a month plan when my DH was laid off several years ago. We kept him insured (well, I did because hubs was laid off) but when he got a job that plan became unavailable to him so he had to be added.

With the current deductible, your broken leg scenario would cost $5500 + $8400. He hasn't used a single cent of healthcare in at least three years, not even a physical.

If he is 18 and graduated,

If he is 18 and graduated, why would dad be responsible for his medical bills?

He is not responsible for

He is not responsible for them. He is also not responsible to keep him covered, but is being kind and continuing to do so until the end of the year. But after that, they need to find another plan which won't be hard. They won't like it, but it won't actually be hard to do.

If he's going to college,

If he's going to college, most colleges have stupdent medical insurance plans. Mine had it for about $250 a semester. And it lowered to $150 for the summer. That could be considerably lower than what you pay currently. My DH is on his school's currently as well, and that only cost about $180 for the entire summer semester and then it'll only be around $300 for the entire school year starting this fall.

I wonder what it is like

I wonder what it is like working for CSE. Those phonecalls. Lol.

SS can take public transportation, seeing as how a Kia wasn't good enough for him. When SD was 12 we drove past a car lot and saw an adorable bug, decked out with daisy hubcaps, I loved it. I told SD I'd buy it for her, and she was snotty, "Eww, no." Nothing is good enough for royalty.

In a brilliant parenting move

In a brilliant parenting move, BM (in her 18th physical move that we are aware of since the divorce) moved them to a small town with no public transportation a little before SS-then15 refused the car my DH was offering him. Bad schools, so he needed private schools (that DH paid for). No public transportation so "how can he get a job?" No jobs so "how can BM get a job?" (she gets fired from 1-3 jobs a year typically). No one for her to date so she married an incarcerated penpal felon instead, who is still incarcerated for attempted murder of his last girlfriend. All stellar choices, BM.

Yep, my daughter's Kia Rio wasn't good enough and neither was my husband's Honda.

When they are raised this way there's not much that can be done. The entitlement runs deep and the expectations high.

SS18's GBM and GBF have been telling us for years SS18 (ASS) is a lost cause and will be just like BM. This is the sort of thing BM does, too. They have been estranged from her after she committed identity theft against them for about a decade now.

So the SS has aged out of CS?

So the SS has aged out of CS? I think if this were me i would ignore BM'S email and demands. He has been offered a perfectly good car and that was not good enough for this little prince. Then he goes without unless BM buys it. (not very likely) .

All communications should be with SS now as he is an 'adult' and BM has no say anyway. The health insurance is one that is best to keep up but BM should pay halves.

They never give up do they?

Not quite aged out. We paid

Not quite aged out. We paid extra through CS over the years to keep them from becoming homeless many times. In our state that means aging out (typically at his next birthday) isn't necessary. If your total financial obligation is X and you meet that early, then they close the case even if he's not aged out yet officially. Insurance ends at 18 and graduated from HS.

My DH's perspective is that he has insured SS18 for his entire life and BM has never done it. He has paid, between medical support and child support, more than $300k for the child since they divorced 15 years ago. SS18 rejects his every attempt to see him and has lied about why. He last saw him in October. Why, exactly, should he be throwing money at SS18 when he's been PASed out and allowed to decide if he visits by his BM since he was 9-10? He has fulfilled his obligation. He doesn't feel comfortable spending extra money on SS18 beyond his obligation because there is no relationship and my DH, while not a perfect parent, has tried hard only to be rebuffed.

I don't argue with him. While I definitely benefitted as a young adult from my parents' ongoing support, I also never pulled the crap that I have seen this child/now young adult pull. Actions have consequences. People don't just go around paying things for you if you are ungrateful, spoiled, entitled snot who lies, steals, calls your parent names and otherwise is horrible to be around.

I'm sure my DH would be

I'm sure my DH would be willing to pay half of the cheaper policy we had on him years ago, that was less than $150. But continuing to pay $700 is just a non-starter. But BM would have to actually pay the bill herself (or SS), so that my DH is paying his money to them only. Otherwise they will stick him with the entire bill if he's in charge of it and always have an excuse why their half isn't being paid.

I think after next week (official graduation, although he completed all his credits by last semester) my husband will start holding the "all communication can go through SS now" line. They are so enmeshed that I truly believe that will make her flip her lid even more,

Thanks for the clarification.

Thanks for the clarification. System in europe is different so I wasn't sure how it worked. I noticed this though :-

'rejects his every attempt to see him and has lied about why' - but he still expects to have a brand new vehicle bought for him by someone he won't even talk to?? Wow thats entitlement in a nutshell.

How old is the SS?

18, a young adult.

Congrats to you!

We have one more month of CS to pay (June) and then we're done.

I drive a 2006 Honda. And

I drive a 2006 Honda. And most people would consider DH and I upper middle class. I have no qualms about driving it to the most exclusive country Club in town.

Only an idiot would forgo decent reliable transportation because it wasn’t cool enough. Oh and sometimes I even “stoop” to riding the bus.

He was offered almost exactly

He was offered almost exactly that very car (2007).

BM and SS need to move to a

BM and SS need to move to a town with transportation and jobs. Its ridiculous how she relies on your H for their livelihood, as their bread and butter. She needs to be independent and take care of her responsibilites. This shouldn't solely fall on your H to take care of him. SS is a young adult and if this enabling continues he will never get a job and take care of himself. I agree with your H and his perspective. I hope he stands his ground.

this

I know OP's DH paid extra in order for them not to end up homeless but it seems to have reinforced the BM's dependancy and entitlement issues and also the SS. Time for them both to grow up and move on.

Yes, I think it has

Yes, I think it has definitely allowed BM to continue being not responsible for her own needs and for her half of the responsibility for SS's needs over the years.

She was homeless once and we took in SS-then14. He was a holy terror. Destructive, stole, called his father by a mocking first name instead of "dad", lied, blamed my then-young adult kids for stealing money when it was him and was problematic from the beginning. I finally caught him as the thief with a nanny cam and my DH, who had always believed his little angel until then, had a rude awakening ON VIDEO. When he was punished with simply not being able to watch TV, he threw such a fit that it was like NOTHING any of my kids ever had pulled and their consequences had been much more severe. Turns out, the child had never been grounded before and the poor prince couldn't take it. Wailing and kicking things, screaming like a toddler. It was a sight to behold.

Upon not being able to watch TV he demanded his mother come and get him. And she did. They couch surfed with people for a while until she burned that bridge and then others. At the end of the day she burns every bridge offered to her (churches, jobs, personal relationships, doesn't matter) and so does her son.

I first met him around age 11. He was already spoiled and PASed out. My DH was lucky if he got to see him once a month at thatv point. We thought him living with us would be a good thing for him but it turns out, if BM isn't willing to enforce consequences for things like stealing there's not much you can do. If BM is willing to rescue him from not being able to watch his favorite TV show for a month, then he's pretty much untouchable.

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