*First Blog post* (seriously ever)

I'm not sure if I'm using abbreviations correctly so please correct me if I use them wrong or there is a better abbreviation. But for the purposes of this story BM=BioMom DH=DearHusband SD=StepDaughter SS=StepSon BM-DH BioMomDearHusband... is there a different abbreviation for that?)

So I tried to make this as short as possible, but I failed. Please stop reading now if it isn't interesting to you. It's basically the back story on me.

I have been married to DH for 14 years, with him for 15. I knew he and his first wife in college through mutual friends. BM had an affair for 2 years with a guy she met on the internet and DH had no idea. (He works very long hours and had to work more to pay off the debts she kept racking up)

In comes Miss Clueless (me) and thinks I can be the best step mom ever! Oh the things I would change if I could go back and change them. But, I digress. BM was very good at controlling everything, including my new husband. However, very early on we decided that she wasn't going to control my and DH's household, which my husband was the custodial parent, by the way.

Early on BM did very good at "supporting" me in the eyes of our children but took us to court when BM-DH couldn't understand why she didn't have custody. I still do not think he knows about her affair(s?) so doesn't know why she just wanted out of the marriage, no matter what. So from the beginning BM-DH (the children's step dad) decided that I was getting in the way of them being "in charge". My first mistake was caring what they thought of me and what they made me look like to our children. I reacted to that when I should have just let it roll right off my back.

The Parenting Plan (?PP) was different when I first met DH but by the time we were married it was established as one week with each parent. (Summers and some holidays they were with us more) So basically, it's the closest to split-parenting that I have heard of, as far as court orders go. As stated above DH works some very long hours and sometimes is gone for 24 hours. That left me as the sole parent "on duty" when they were at our house. I put on my big girl panties and read 5 books on how to be a good step parent. I did the things in the books, I established that we had rules in our house that the "other house" didn't change our rules when the kids were with us. Basically the "Mom's house Dad's house" model was what we were striving for.

Sounds all perfect until we enroll them in the school where we live (DH is the custodial parent) but BM and BM-DH didn't like that so they took us to court. $15,000 later a judge actually looked at their lawyer and said he didn't know why this had even gone that far. But it was finally in the PP that the kids would be enrolled in the school with the father's address. Some other holidays and stuff were changed but the majority of it was the designation of school. The reason it was important to us was that I brought a wee one into the marriage who DH is the only father he has ever known and we felt it was right to have them all go to the same school. The "other family" didn't have any other children.

Even though BM & her DH make more than twice what we make, we didn't ask them for CS. MY DH didn't say anything about the $50,000 debt that he absorbed because at the time of the divorce she was a stay-at-home mom. (Which about $20,000 was from her gambling problem) We took care of all the medical (was supposed to be half) and almost all the stuff in HS, including all school fees, sports fees, phones, cars, car insurance, etc because we knew the other house was better off to afford college. It wasn't in the PP but it was just sort of an unspoken knowledge that BM started when the oldest SD started high school. This is when little messages were sent with the kids about us paying for certain college fees, what were we going to contribute, etc. WTF by the time the oldest was in high school ONE of them mades more than the two of us combined.

Ok, so , here is the crux of my blog. I went to 99% of every sporting event, band/choir concert, parent teacher conference, field trips, you name it. The doctor and dentist didn't even know who she was, had never met BM. Don't get me wrong, she is not an absent parent but it takes a lot of every day time to get from a stay-at-home Mom to an big wig manager. There were many events she couldn't make it to, but I was there! There were many events that DH couldn't make it, but I was there. There were events that BM-DH didn't feel he needed to go to? I was always there. I'm sure there was some confusion because I have the same last name as they do and BM has a different last name but many of my children's friends knew me well and a few of them knew BM. Many of their friends are still scared of BM-DH. Point is I WAS THERE!

The oldest SD didn't like me because she said I took her place (not her mom's but hers). The BM was gone so much that the oldest (8 when I met DH) felt she was part of the parenting team. I tried so hard to help her realize that she could do the same kid's stuff her friends were doing, but it was too late. It didn't matter what I did for that child, it wasn't good enough. The 2nd SD was completely ignored by the other house because the first SD was the "star" of the show. 2nd SD clung to me and even told me she was happy that there was finally someone like her. (she was 5 when she said that). SS was 4 and still wasn't talking because BM was on the computer so much and the sisters would talk for him.

I have a background in education and psychology. I used all my skills to make sure I showed my step children they were important to me. I did things with them that their BM didn't. I put so much into them that I almost got divorced many times and my own child suffered from not getting my attention. I didn't take care of me. I lost sight of who and why I was even there.

I was not a saint by any means. But when 2nd SD hit her 12th grade her BM realized how much she had neglected her and all of a sudden I was the evil step mom to the one I endured so much crap for. I freaked out and was grasping for this girl to remember who I really am. It didn't work, she bought their line, hook, bait and sinker. I didn't help it by freaking out and looking like a maniac trying to show her how much I cared. My bad!

It's been 15 years since the beginning of this story. My oldest SD is married, 2nd SD is almost done with college, SS is half way through college and my son is a freshman in college. When each child turned 18 DH told each child of how their bio parents ended up getting a divorce. They had asked him for years and he said he would tell them when they were ready.

Starting probably very early on, all of my faults are something the other house jokes about at dinner. I have heard from 2nd SD's friends that it makes them feel uncomfortable because they know me better and are shocked that 2nd SD talks like that about me. Every little mistake I ever made is part of an imaginary punching bag also known as my heart. I don't get any communication for SD's but SS stays with us for about 1/2 the summer. He is very attached to his step brother and his Dad.

SO, how does someone who put all their heart stones in baskets that have been thrown away go on without those stones? I don't want them back (the stones that is). I am quite a bit at peace with accepting all the good things that have resulted in this situation. I was constantly questioned about things in the past that they only remember the way their mom has regurgitated it back to them. I have a very good memory and can tell you most of the funny stories they told of their stepdad. Even events that happened at our house BM has changed into me doing horrific and embarrassing things to my step children. I am not questioned about my memories anymore. I don't have to hear the sickening, over-compensating stories of their step father, who is, of course, the "life" of the party. I don't have to hear how I am the brunt of so many jokes.

Most would say, what does it matter now that they are grown up? I learned at the 1st SD's wedding that it really does change how I can function at these types of events. I tried to sit in a corner and stay out of sight so that I wouldn't give them any more of my life to be a joke to them...but so many people came to me. I don't have expectations of being the Nana that helps them out, I am not that person anymore and I don't want to be.

Bottom line, I can't believe that all the positive things and plain out difficult battles I fought FOR my step children mean nothing to them now. As I said above, I truly have some peace without combating "the other house" influence on them but I don't know where to put the "poor me" feeling of all the time I wasted on them. It's truly sad but I would change things if I could go back. I never missed anything for my child but I sure did put him on the back burner for my troubled 2nd SD. I caught a message from one SD to the other that SD2 should treat US like we are Aunt/Uncle (her Dad mind you) and my son like their cousin. That is how strong the other house influence is on having them distance themselves from us.

When I started this I wanted to know how to deal with BM making me out to be such a horrible person, but what I really don't know how to deal with is how my step children believe her. I know the bond between a mother and her children is very strong, but for MANY years I was a bonus mom to the 2nd SD and SS. I believe it is a situation of "make fun of me or be cut off", so I then talk myself into thinking it's a survival mechanism for them to forget what I did for them. I put way to much into hearts that are not connected the same way a biological child's heart is to their mom.

If there is one bit of advice I would give new step Mom's it would be to always remember that. Remember that no matter how strong of a bond you feel you have, you are not blood related. Even very strong bonds between step parent/child can never be as strong as blood. Even if the BM is out of the picture there is always the chance of them coming back in and the potential of "all is forgiven and forgotten". I'm merely saying to give what you can without crossing the line of complete heartbreak if your efforts are for nothing. I gave until I fell flat on my face. I neglected my husband and biological child to give to my step children. I wanted to prove to them that they were important to me.

If I could say anything to them (all adults) right now it would be "Can you prove to me that I am important to you?" I won't be holding my breath. It would come at a cost that I'm not willing to pay. I am so tired of hearing about their BM and BM-DH and how wonderful they are. I am making sure I take care of MY child and MY husband and MYself.

Sorry for the long story. After writing all of that I almost erased it but thought it might help someone realize they are not alone or might give someone a word of advice they might not otherwise have heard. You might agree or disagree with me but just know that there are 3 sides to every story and you wouldn't believe one of the other stories you would hear. It just doesn't seem possible for one small group to think I am so incredibly evil and so many other people who go out of their way to see me, talk to me, stay in contact with me think I'm someone special.

I started this story, and this membership on this site, trying to prove that I am NOT_a_stepmonster. I know deep down that I am not but couldn't face that some people that I put so much time, energy and love into think I am. My DH is so great, he's ever the optimist and feels like things will "get better."

Someday I will write a "what I would have done differently" post. I'm sure there are plenty on here but I might have some advice someone could use.