I was reading a book called Facing Violence (because one of my businesses involves martial arts) which is a great book on common sense self defense--like following your instincts, case studies on how predators use certain human emotions such a guilt, pity, and sympathy to get close to someone and assault them, how manipulation works on the mind, etc. Great read and I recommend it to people all the time.

I was reading it for the help on the legal aspect of self defense, since as an instructor, it is also my responsibility to ensure that my students understand what self defense in terms of the law really means.

Anyway, there's a segment on the book going through the different depths of the human conscience, going from values to morals to beliefs and I thought I'd share this here because I think it applies a lot of the step situation, especially since often we don't understand why, despite all of the love and emotions and care we place into our DH's and stepkids, it gets thrown into our faces and we get betrayed over and over again.

I will say this book is great for toxic relationships too since that is a form of violence, albeit a mental one. Also, The Sociopath Next Door is a good accompaniment to it as well (good read on how to contain crazy).

So the part that struck me was the segment of Belief, and why, as the deepest rooted portion of our consciousness, is unlikely to be changed even in the face of overwhelming logic and common sense, and how it plays a huge part in confirmation bias, and group discrimination. That's why you'll see a group of people who believe in one political party (as an example) vehemently attack the other side for a wrong that occured, but either excuse or ignore an infraction by "their" side. Why, even if the other side comes up with something "good", people will choose to ignore it and instead focus on the bad.

That's why, if you're pro choice, giving even medical reasons to someone who is extremist pro-life will not change their minds.

It's why morals can be overridden by beliefs. ie. Killing is wrong, but I believe these people are my enemy and therefore I am justified in killing them. Or, treating others rudely is wrong, but because Stepparent is my enemy, I am justified in being rude and hurting them.

So often, regardless of how good you are and how well you treat your stepkids (or your DH's), if it's become their belief that you do not, they will choose to ignore all that you do, willfully blinded by their belief, and unfortunately, belief, unless through trauma, is unlikely to be changed. Your DH's, if they develop the belief that you dislike their kids, even if that's not true (I dislike their behavior and wish to change it), will choose to villify you.

We see so many instances of stepkids who BELIEVE their stepparents treat them badly, even though it's not the case. So they feel justified in attacking, because they think they are reciprocating for something that was done to them, even though, as I said before, it's not the case. And no amount of common sense, logic, or sit down communication will change that without something major happening in their lives. They will go through their entire lifetime believing they were the ones who were wronged.

A belief for them is: Stepparent took my parent away from me.

Therefore their reaction is to retaliate, even though others understand except in some extreme incidences, there is no "taking away", just change.

The book doesn't tell us how to change beliefs, because it's near impossible. But I think recognizing that it cannot be changed (or only in very, very rare instances) allows us to better protect ourselves from these attacks, if only getting rid of the hope that they will one day "see the light" and not opening yourself to be vulnerable to their attacks any longer. Along with that, recognizing our own "beliefs" is also recognizing our own weaknesses, which can help us better be open to new ideas and see things in different perspectives.

I think it also lessens the confusion of why (since humans are reciprocal creatures) we do so much and get so little back, and why then, it's okay to stop doing so much because essentially it would be fruitless.

In any case, I thought it was a good eye opener for me, and it has helped me in dealing with other people by recognizing their beliefs and not encroaching upon them. Also recognizing mine, and if I perceive it to be attacked, I can not react because I understand where the emotion is coming from, and why they are attacking it (because of their own belief.) It's about winning by not fighting.

Thought this might help some people who feel like it's so hopeless (because it often is) and understand motives, and no longer be confused about why normal, common sense doesn't seem to work in step situations, since so many facets of it are steeped in "belief."

This is all just IMHO.