And BM and SS will be back in the states from their year-long trip to the UK the end of this month.

But before we get to that: BIL and his wife came over to visit the new baby yesterday and we talked about some things regarding MIL (mostly, BIL's wife wanted to get a feel of how much we trust MIL with their children since they're going to start trying this month.)

We told them they have to set boundaries early and not like us--we fumbled and dropped the ball in regards to MIL because we thought she'd be less entitled or at least reasonable.

We warned about a few things:
1. Make sure she knows what she can and cannot give your kid. BD1 caught a cold one day and started a fever at MIL's house when she was about a year old. MIL gave her children's aspirin, which is DEADLY if she gets a reaction called Reyes Syndrome.
2. Make sure MIL knows what behaviors you'll allow and not allow because she taught BD1 how to suck her thumb (she lost the pacifier we gave her) and now it's crazy hard to break the habit as opposed to just throwing the pacifier away one weekend. BIL and his wife were HORRIFIED that MIL did that.
3. Make sure it's on your time and you don't try to accommodate her just because you want them to have "a relationship." I went overboard with that. I let her see BD1 any time she wanted and would drop her off even if it was super inconvenient to me. I even blew off my parents once or twice because MIL wanted BD1 for something. Never again.

Anyway they thanked us and we wished them luck and they had already the mindset before this that they weren't going to tell MIL when they get pregnant or the due date. Their choice. They've always been smarter than me.

Anyway, BIL's wife said she thinks MIL actually has depression because every time she goes to see her, MIL is always in her nightgown, no matter what time of day it is. I didn't know that because any time we've seen her, she's always immaculately dressed up, make-up and jewelry and everything in place.

And now I feel bad. I know depression can make people a little coocoo, and isolating myself from her obviously only made matters worse because I was the one person who put up with all of her shit for so long without cutting her off--BIL and his wife only interact with her on their time, as does DH. It's also weird because MIL has always been very active in the community with the Lion's Club, the local Convent, etc.

But she just has no concept of boundaries and I really, really need some boundaries right now.

--

Okay, onto BM and SS--BM took SS out of school for a year long thing in the UK for her job. SS is going to be 6 this year, but we think she plans on homeschooling him anyway so not a big deal. DH has no legal rights to him--full physical and legal to BM as per the CO. She didn't tell anyone (nor did she have to) that she was taking him to the UK. We only found out because MIL tried calling one day and reached GBM who told her the situation. Not a big deal, it's her legal right to do so.

They're returning just in time at month's end for SS's birthday. Which happens to be on BD2's what we call Man-Yue in Chinese ("full moon" or "full month"). It's a big celebration for my family and their friends (probably bigger than a birthday, and second only to the 100 day celebration. This one is morbid because it's a celebration that the child will most likely survive since it did for a month already. Some parents don't name the child until the full month celebration for that very reason.) but since DH's family is caucasian and thus have no idea why this is a big deal, we didn't invite them to BD1's, and won't invite them to BD2's--we don't even mention it. Just as well since my parents won't stand for MIL trying to shove SS in their faces like she did that first and only Christmas we had together.

MIL has always been funky during SS's birthday, doing some weird stuff to make sure DH knows he's missing it each and every year. (DH, at this point, doesn't give a shit--as harsh as that sounds, he never met the kid, and only pays CS and a little extra each month for daycare--yeah for a 6 year old--so he has no bond with him.)

I hate that every time around this month, it's always a big fiasco with MIL in the center of the vortex of drama with BM (who thinks the world should stop and everyone turn their heads to look at her and her golden child, including the father and his family who she forbid to be known or involved in his life.) I know this year it'll be some combination of trying to pull us away from doing the full month thing with my family for BD2 like doing so is a competition as to whose child is more important. This has literally happened for every one of BD1's firsts (birthday, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween, you name it--MIL will start waving SS around like, don't forget about him just because of BD1.)

Lady, 25% of DH's income every month ensures we will never forget about him, but by god, do you really have to do this in front of everyone at BD1's first birthday?

I never said anything, just smiled, nodded, and feigned interest, but was really dying inside. I pulled my big girl panties up and always told myself, BD1 won't remember, I will, but she won't and as long as she isn't affected by it, I won't make it into an issue or even bring it to light.

I'm dreading the next few months. I hate the holidays.